They aren’t me

 I am not thinking things but the words come from elsewhere.  They are planted in my brain.  By what or whom I don’t know.  They say it’s my brain going haywire.  Maybe it’s stress.  But all I know is that I was not in control last night!  The voices were as random as could be.  Derogatory, mean, hateful, swearing, evil, sadistic psychotic voices and that is not me!  Nothing could be further from who I am.

File: Mania and hospitalization from 12/19/2013 & 11/26/13

12/19/2013

Client seen today at xxxx for first time and was previously followed at xxxx but due to intensive treatment needs, will be followed by XXX and client was initially confused about the change and confirmed understanding after writer's explanation. [pdoc]

She recently was hospitalized at UM 9C 10/1-10/10 for SI [suicidal ideation], mania, psychosis and had zyprexa increased to 10 mg during admission then was at XX 11/12 for SI, psychosis.

Today she denies AH/VH/IOR/paranoia, endorses stable mood without hypomania or mania, low anxiety and depression energy, & appetite normal no wight changes, sleeps 8 hours, memory is variable and low at times.

She has history of mania with psychosis - VH-sees animals. "cat disappearing." AH [audio hallucinations] "someone talking, music playing" referential delusion-"sun giving me messages, I could fly". Grandiose delusions-I was invincible, could walk into traffic and nothing would happen", elevated and irritable mood-"everything is wonderful", agitation- "moving a lot," occasional thoughts of wanting to stab herself "reported this was a chronic issue that did not increase her desire to commit suicide," or inflict self-harm.

Client is not sure why she had episode this fall or last fall because she notes medication adherence and also remarked the last year in November, she had another manic/psychotic period and thinks the fall may be a bad time for her. Per [hospital] admission note during her two weeks prior to hospitalization, client was posting multiple blogs [I just have this one blog.] and writing more, internal restlessness, almost jumping off balcony, increased pressure to talk and stay up past midnight on phone with friends, racing thoughts, low concentration, increased energy, appetite decreased, mildly decreased sleep....

11/26/13

CURRENT SIDE EFFECTS< ADHERENCE ISSUES AND PREVIOUS MEDICATION TRIALS

latuda trial - akathisia, w 20mg dose

fanapt - tachycardia w 4mg dose

depakote - weight gain, worked well

seroquel - itching

nortriptiline

abilify - akathisia

geodon - induced asthma attack

saphris - "internal hallucinations"

FILE: 2015 Psych ER Report

This is extremely triggering. Read at your own discretion.

This is a ONE page report on me in the psych ER. Sobering.

Does this blog reflect what is written here? Is it a matter of "my side"/"their side"? This is how the doctors at the psych ER saw me on two separate days (in one report). I could search this blog to find what I may have written at the time. By the way, I looked it up, "anhedonia" is lack of emotion. A bipolar person without emotion? I do remember being this way, I think, however. An odd state to be in for sure. For sure, these two entries in my psych. medical record is a sobering look at my illness.

10/28/2015

Suicide ideation with a plan: Consumer denies

Danger to Others Worksheet

Severe anxiety symptoms/agitation

Employment instability

Impulsivity

Lack of insight

Currently manic or depressed or psychotic

Relationship instability

Lack of social support

Static Risk Factors

Low socioeconomic status

Aggresive or destructive behaviors

None

4/20/2015

Dynamic Risk Factors

-Severe anhedonia

-Severe depression

-Hopelessness

-Suicide ideation or intent

-Suicide plan

Static Risk Factors

-Mood disorder

-Psychotic disorder

-History of suicide attempts

Agressive or Destructive Behavior

-Suicide Attempt

-Suicide ideation

4/20/15: Clt endorses SI w/plan to overdose on prescription and OTC medications. Clt reports two aborted suicide attempts earlier this evening, one in which she had 30 benedryl in her hand ready to take but decide4d not to and once she had 50 zyprexa in hand. Clt was unable to contract for safety with this writer when a crisis plan was attempted.

9/16/15: Clt endorses SI w/plan to jump from balcony or crash car. Clt reports that early today she was standing leaning over the balcony for "awhile" contemplating jumping. Clt mention s that she thought she may be able to fly and if not she was aware this would probably kill her and reports "I was ok with that as long as I didn't have to feel like this anymore".

Here is another page from my psych. medical file