Anti-Depressants and Bipolar

Anti-depressants are well-known. There are commercials for them on television. You think, "I'm depressed, we'll reverse those chemicals with an anti-depressant and everything will be wonderful". But with bipolar, its not so straight-forward.

I've been on anti-depressants several times in my life. Sometimes, they've helped, like during my three pregnancies. (Zoloft.) (Before I was diagnosed bipolar.) Sometimes, I've had strange, almost scary side effects from them. I say "side effects" but really they were effects of my bipolar brain having a drug which lets in more feel-good chemicals than normal.

Take this case in point. I had been prescribed an anti-depressant by my psychiatrist. This was before I was diagnosed bipolar. I had been having hallucinations- seeing horrible scenes playing out of spines being ripped out of children's bodies, and blood splattered all over against the walls- at my son's preschool. I walked in a semi-daze. I had called my psychiatrist because of this and she'd prescribed an antidepressant called Celexa. A few days later, I found myself at Wendy's. I stared at the menu board. The words meant nothing to me. I kept reading. I could make out what they sounded like, but it was as if it were in another language. "What do they DO here?!" I wondered to myself. I looked around, then back again. I looked down a long hallway. How had I gotten here? I had no memory at all. I had no emotions. A total lack of happiness or sadness, or fear, or curiosity. Let me repeat that to you: I had zero emotion. It was both freeing and odd at the same time. I just did not care for anything one way or the other. It dawned on me that maybe I should call my psychiatrist. Her response was an immediate, "You DROVE!? You're not supposed to drive!" After this, my memory is fuzzy, but I eventually drove myself home. I don't even think I ate anything.

My next fore into antidepressants was several years later. I had been diagnosed bipolar for a few years. I was seeing a new psychiatrist. I was in a depression for quite a while, so we decided to try Celexa again. (Again for me, first time as far as this psychiatrist knew.) It was going okay, until some time into taking it, I was at a restaurant with a friend. I picked up my knife and fork and began to bank them over and over and over again on the table- quickly! I couldn't stop! My friend watched this for a bit and finally said, "I think you should call your doctor." I did. I'm not sure if I left a message. The next thing I remember is calling my friend who is a Behavioral Pharmacologist- he has a PhD in researching brain drugs. I was talking rapidly, joking and being silly. He laughed at me and we had quite a nice conversation, but he, too, said I should call my doctor. I finally did. I was taken off Celexa- again.