Ativan & Anxiety & Memory

Last night, and several nights before, I'd been feeling anxious. Racing thoughts. Bad thoughts about things being after me. Mostly, I feel guilty. Very guilty about failing at life. I try to distract myself by watching "Nova" on tv, or reading, or doing the coloring, but sometimes all of that is only a Bandaid. Last night, I took Ativan and that seemed another layer of Bandaid, but it did help. The problem is that I'm going to run out of that one of these days and I'm sure my therapist or pdoc will think I'm dependent on them even though I CAN sleep without taking any. I just hate the anxiety lately. The thoughts swirling. I would've taken a walk last night but it was night time. I haven't been able to take my daughter out for photography. She just doesn't want me to take her picture, even though I think that would be very soothing. I like the photos I've taken of her over the years. I'd have to make an album of only her to link here, but at any rate, they are nice. She is very expressive!

I'm afraid I'm going to lose things. Not only my keys and phone, but my photos that Ive already taken. I would feel SOOOO bad if they disappeared! I have them saved online, but that's not the point! My phone, my ipod, my keys, and things I've written down, important papers for the kids about school... all I feel I might lose... my purse... I feel they will walk away at any moment. That I can't keep track of where they are. I am constantly making mental notes, but doing that weakens them somehow?!

So I end up posting on a bipolar bulletin board that I frequent talking about how anxious I feel and they suggest yoga or pottery or the like. I am at Starbucks right now with my friend being one-year-olds on laptops: We play NEXT to each other, not WITH each other. After this, I go home and meet the kids after school.

My memory is a little bit better, but maybe only because I have been forcing myself to make mental notes: "Keys are in your coat pocket; cell phone is on the table next to you". Still, sometimes, I'll have a thought and go to write it down and lose it before its written down.

Speaking of bad thoughts at night, the Zyprexa has taken care of the intrusive thoughts, and this is why my pdoc doesn't want to lower the dose of Zyprexa. It has made me gain a few pounds, and I'm trying to watch what I eat.