Catching Up

I haven't written that much this year. I have to borrow a computer to write still. Let's see what's been going on...

My Zyprexa got increased to 20 units per day with 5 in the A.M. and 15 at night just a few weeks ago. My psych. nurse/med. provider is trying to get ahead of things for November- when I usually have had an episode (mania)- by the increase. So far so good. I also have been able to apply some DBT skills which is a win for me because it not always easy to do. Right now, its Thanksgiving break from school for the kids and I was subsequently on "vacation brain" and missed not only DBT this afternoon but a meeting with my caseworker! Things are rescheduled though.

In bigger news, it seems that I will be getting my own place after twelve years at my mom's place. I feel excited but nervous. That's what the meeting with my case manager was about today. I have -now- just under two months to secure a place. I'm approved for a three-bedroom apartment or house. I feel like my lack of good credit will get in my way.

Speaking of big things, we are supposed to be going on a trip to California in three weeks. I feel like I shouldn't go but its been planned and the plane tickets are bought. Three of the days we are there, we are staying in the Disneyland hotel and going to the parks. That will be fun, but that's three out of a ten-day trip. I've only been there twice before and both of those were about five hours each on choir tours. Definitely not enough time to take it all in. I'm supposed to pay for the park tickets for me and the kids. It's down to the wire. We leave in three weeks.

On the subject of symptoms, I've been mostly symptom-free, but I do have a recurring weirdness happen. My internal voice starts arguing with itself! And its not nice, either. Its mean and swears a lot and both voices start arguing back and forth. I can't shut it off, either. This has happened despite the increase in Zyprexa. (I just left my med. provider at message about this while I was thinking about it.) However, the increase has made me very sleepy. And sleeping a lot makes me miss appointments and also gain weight. I'm not going to say how much I weigh, but its over a big milestone that I did not want to ever reach! This is the battle that I fight as no other med- as shown last year at this time when we tried a handful of other meds- than Zyprexa can fix. When I was hospitalize in April, I was put on Zoloft and that's still working, I think. The doctor at the hospital last Spring really thought I was depressed, I remember that.

Speaking of medications, more than one of my friends has told me that I take too many prescriptions. Its right around 20 these days. I wouldn't have a clue how to get off them and bad things happen if I'm off Zyprexa even a week. Add that to the other 3 or so psych meds I take and you can see what kind of brain Russian Roulette we'd be playing.

Hospitalized again

So where to start. For a while I'd been sleeping more- long naps, sleeping in, etc. It got to where I was upset by almost everything. I called the after-hours help line at my psych's office several nights in a row. They kept telling me to read a book or watch a movie. Those only helped at first and only when I was doing them. I began to have what they call suicidal ideation- otherwise known as thinking about killing myself. Everywhere I turned seemed like a dead end in my life. As I talked to the after-hours help line, I paced my bedroom- back and forth, back and forth- and told them how I wasn't sure I wanted to kill myself but I didn't feel safe either. They suggested I hide my pills just in case. Well I didn't. Pills stayed where they were thank you very much! I picked up a bottle of low-dose Zyprexa and poured it into my hand wanting to take the pile in front of me. I put them back. I went into the hallway and did the same with Benedryl. I had already taken too much Benedryl a month or so ago actually and knew what that would be like, but I put them away like the Zyprexa too and picked up the phone to call the after-hours people yet again. This time, they decided that I should go in to the psych ER.

Once at the ER they green-banded me so I couldn't run away, took blood and pee and so began the long night as usual. I passed the time watching videos on my friend's computer in between talking to nurses and doctors. I told them that I'd quit my tiny dose of zyprexa a week or two ago and that I wanted to kill myself. I added that earlier in the day, on the way home from getting Wendy's for my daughter, a voice inside my head kept telling me mean things and to harm myself. It was like another me was inside my head but it wasn't me: it was someone else! They asked if I recognized the voice and I said no I didn't. Eventually, they found me a room at another hospital- this one was full- and I was transported via ambulance for the 45 minute ride. I was strapped to the bed with a 5-point harness which was good because it was a very bumpy ride.

Once we were at the new hospital, there was a bit of a wait before I went upstairs which was a bit annoying as I had to pee which distracted me from everything else that was going on. By the time I got my room, it was about 7 a.m. and I was beyond tired. They let me sleep, thank goodness, but they didn't let me have my cpap machine (helps my breathing at night). I could've gotten better sleep with it, but as it was, I slept pretty hard even without it most of the afternoon. While I was there, I made a couple of friends and days were spent seeing the dr, getting meds, getting my blood pressure taken, and reading my book. They really frowned on you being in your room alone too much, but I was very tired the whole time I was there. They said it was the depression and maybe so, but everybody that saw me said I was very slow and just looked exhausted. Even people on the phone said I sounded slow. We watched movies during out free time too. All I wanted was to sleep but I had to force myself to stay awake. They changed my medications too. They increased my Zyprexa from the 10 mg I had been taking (after stopping the 2.5) to 15 mg, decreased my lithium from 1000 down to 800 (I think), and added Zoloft which is an antidepressant. They also added Trazodone which is a sleeping pill. So far, I feel better but it does take some time to feel the effects of antidepressants- about 2 weeks. Trazodone, howeever, has made my sleep better even after 3 days: I sleep mostly through the night instead of waking up 3 or 4 times to pee. This makes me feel refreshed when I wake up! I'm happy about this.

I saw the doctor several times. She had plenty to type into her computer, but I didn't see what she wrote. I told her that I'd been hallucinating at the hospital. There I was, sitting in a group session, and whatever I was thinking of would suddenly turn real! I could see my thoughts! I only have one blurb that she wrote about me that that was in my discharge paper work. It says, "Reason for admit: increased depression, suicidal ideation driven by auditory hallucinations telling her to overdose on medications. Diagnosis: Bipolar 1 disorder with psychotic features versus schizo-affective disorder. AXIS II: Probable cluster B traits." I agree with all of this except the cluster B traits and axis 2. This is personality disorders and I do not believe that I have any.

After a week, I was finally discharged and sent home. Yesterday, I counted how many pills I take and its 20 a day. Some of those are repeats: that is, I take 3 lithium pills a day, so that's 3 pills but only one prescription. So I'm taking my medication as prescribed even though I still have a bone to pick with this weight gain. I'm hoping that as the Zoloft begins to work more and I get better sleep I'll feel even better.

This disease really is unpredictable sometimes. Its not the Fall (when I'd had my other hospitalizations) and I rarely get depressed. I'm trying to take things day-by-day as I ease back into regular life. Zyprexa seems to be squelching the hallucinations for now. Tomorrow is a new day and I look forward to it.

sudden hallucinations

Today I kept seeing people in front of me that would suddenly show up and disappear. They were very real and they kept happening through the afternoon until they abruptly quit.

ps

Its been a while September. They did straighten out my meds in the hospital but I also tried a few other new ones. All of them had horrible side effects like being hyper aware of my breathing and some weird movement disorder that drove me batty. I tried at least 3 new antipsychotics intil my psych nurse put me back on Zyprexa. I also am on a med because my hands shake. So now I'm settled back on Zyprexa and that's where I'll have to stay. At first when I went back on it made me drowsy but I'm used to it now. The hospital stay was mainly to iron out my meds. I was completely off Zyprexa at that time and taking that other drug that made me feel like me insides were churning. Being aware of my breathing was the worst though. Even writing about it now is hard to do because I fear that "it will come back". I couldn't not pay attention to each breath and we do breathe a lot! I am glad that is behind me now.

Am I Only My Bipolar Symptoms?

Here I am sitting in Starbucks by the fire. Its been a while since I've written. My therapist has been gone for about six weeks and I've been relatively ok. We had a couple weeks off group last month but its going well now. However i have intrusive thoughts about overdosing on benedryl. Its almost a comforting, soothing thought. Then I go do fun things with my kids like buy a new King's Singers CD and all seems right with the world again: how could I have ever thought such a terrible thing? I haven't told anybody about it except my friend S. He's training to be a social worker so I don't want to stress out the friendship side of things while my story may be interesting clinically. We are old friends and he is one of the only people I can trust with any of my thoughts. Sometimes if feels -in the midst of an episode- that that's all I am: bipolar symptoms. Its not true of course. Just the other day I went to the art mseum with my 13-year-old and had a great time watching an existential film. I was going to say something to the leader of the group on Wednesday about my self-destructive thoughts but he left the room so quickly. It also occirred to me that maybe I've missed a few doses of my antipsychotic Zyprexa since I get it out of the bottle each night instead of the pill box for some odd reason. Well I think I will send this and try to write again soon.