Hospitalized again

So where to start. For a while I'd been sleeping more- long naps, sleeping in, etc. It got to where I was upset by almost everything. I called the after-hours help line at my psych's office several nights in a row. They kept telling me to read a book or watch a movie. Those only helped at first and only when I was doing them. I began to have what they call suicidal ideation- otherwise known as thinking about killing myself. Everywhere I turned seemed like a dead end in my life. As I talked to the after-hours help line, I paced my bedroom- back and forth, back and forth- and told them how I wasn't sure I wanted to kill myself but I didn't feel safe either. They suggested I hide my pills just in case. Well I didn't. Pills stayed where they were thank you very much! I picked up a bottle of low-dose Zyprexa and poured it into my hand wanting to take the pile in front of me. I put them back. I went into the hallway and did the same with Benedryl. I had already taken too much Benedryl a month or so ago actually and knew what that would be like, but I put them away like the Zyprexa too and picked up the phone to call the after-hours people yet again. This time, they decided that I should go in to the psych ER.

Once at the ER they green-banded me so I couldn't run away, took blood and pee and so began the long night as usual. I passed the time watching videos on my friend's computer in between talking to nurses and doctors. I told them that I'd quit my tiny dose of zyprexa a week or two ago and that I wanted to kill myself. I added that earlier in the day, on the way home from getting Wendy's for my daughter, a voice inside my head kept telling me mean things and to harm myself. It was like another me was inside my head but it wasn't me: it was someone else! They asked if I recognized the voice and I said no I didn't. Eventually, they found me a room at another hospital- this one was full- and I was transported via ambulance for the 45 minute ride. I was strapped to the bed with a 5-point harness which was good because it was a very bumpy ride.

Once we were at the new hospital, there was a bit of a wait before I went upstairs which was a bit annoying as I had to pee which distracted me from everything else that was going on. By the time I got my room, it was about 7 a.m. and I was beyond tired. They let me sleep, thank goodness, but they didn't let me have my cpap machine (helps my breathing at night). I could've gotten better sleep with it, but as it was, I slept pretty hard even without it most of the afternoon. While I was there, I made a couple of friends and days were spent seeing the dr, getting meds, getting my blood pressure taken, and reading my book. They really frowned on you being in your room alone too much, but I was very tired the whole time I was there. They said it was the depression and maybe so, but everybody that saw me said I was very slow and just looked exhausted. Even people on the phone said I sounded slow. We watched movies during out free time too. All I wanted was to sleep but I had to force myself to stay awake. They changed my medications too. They increased my Zyprexa from the 10 mg I had been taking (after stopping the 2.5) to 15 mg, decreased my lithium from 1000 down to 800 (I think), and added Zoloft which is an antidepressant. They also added Trazodone which is a sleeping pill. So far, I feel better but it does take some time to feel the effects of antidepressants- about 2 weeks. Trazodone, howeever, has made my sleep better even after 3 days: I sleep mostly through the night instead of waking up 3 or 4 times to pee. This makes me feel refreshed when I wake up! I'm happy about this.

I saw the doctor several times. She had plenty to type into her computer, but I didn't see what she wrote. I told her that I'd been hallucinating at the hospital. There I was, sitting in a group session, and whatever I was thinking of would suddenly turn real! I could see my thoughts! I only have one blurb that she wrote about me that that was in my discharge paper work. It says, "Reason for admit: increased depression, suicidal ideation driven by auditory hallucinations telling her to overdose on medications. Diagnosis: Bipolar 1 disorder with psychotic features versus schizo-affective disorder. AXIS II: Probable cluster B traits." I agree with all of this except the cluster B traits and axis 2. This is personality disorders and I do not believe that I have any.

After a week, I was finally discharged and sent home. Yesterday, I counted how many pills I take and its 20 a day. Some of those are repeats: that is, I take 3 lithium pills a day, so that's 3 pills but only one prescription. So I'm taking my medication as prescribed even though I still have a bone to pick with this weight gain. I'm hoping that as the Zoloft begins to work more and I get better sleep I'll feel even better.

This disease really is unpredictable sometimes. Its not the Fall (when I'd had my other hospitalizations) and I rarely get depressed. I'm trying to take things day-by-day as I ease back into regular life. Zyprexa seems to be squelching the hallucinations for now. Tomorrow is a new day and I look forward to it.

Crying. So Mixed Up.

Went to movies with My youngest. Feel anxiety.  Feel restless.  I need to take my Ativan.  When I feel this way, I feel the need to get out of here.  I can't stand being in my body.  I feel very uncomfortable.  I need to hurry through whatever I'm doing.  I can't get my food eaten - it comes to a standstill because I can't possibly go that quickly.  I should take my Ativan but I'm at a restaurant and that means I need to drive.  I am already bouncing a lot.  It's a feeling like I need to run outside of myself.  I would've thought this feeling would be gone by now.  I still need to do an errand after this.  Kids have the day off hence why I'm going to the movies. Need to scream but when I take the Ativan I feel very slow and like I want to sleep for hours.  What a choice!!!  I start to take a drink of my diet Pepsi and I need to be done when I just started.  I have no patience!  It almost feels like mania but without the need to talk.  I'm just very uncomfortable.  My legs are shaking again.  What a choice!  I have to drive after this and getting a DUI would be very bad.  

I got home and my mother's idiot husband began giving me his holier-than-thou-fuck-you face.  I had visions of last time I went to the psych ER over something similar. He was yelling at my daughter that her room needs cleaned right this minute (because family is coming over tomorrow  for Thanksgiving).  The attitude, the indignant face.  The fact that he annoys me to no end!  Last time I was in the ER was because I fell into a puddle of sobbing.  I am not doing that now but I am having those feelings of wanting to kill.  The situation at least but I can't stand when people treat my children horribly and then dismiss me.  I hate it.  Plain and simple, I hate it. I am already not feeling well.  Thoughts are going downhill.  I managed to take my youngest out to eat after a movie but as you read above my sense of reality is askew.  Oh dear.  Is Ativan my cure-all?  Why couldn't the Saphris have worked?  I can clean my room as that seems to be-all around here.  Not that it's really that dirty.  One of my best friends seems to have shut his phone off all day.  I want to cry and scream.  I'm scared.  The back-up beeping of the truck a few doors down is stabbing bloody holes in my ear.

I called the psych ER and they talked with me.  I cried as I talked.  That's the first time in months that ive even remotely felt sad. I cant stand this. The ER woman Said to call my psych dr.  So now we're waiting for that.  Could be 2 or 3 hours.

I feel like I do t know what is coming next.  I'm crying.  I was crying on the phone to my psych dr.  She said I need to get through this feeling with Ativan.  Twice a day.  That and getting away from my mom's husband are the only ways to cope.  She said to go to the hospital of I have feelings of needing to kill people.  Right now I can't stand being in my own body.  I cried to my pdoc on the phone and I'm crying now. It's been so long since I've cried.  And I feel like my only choice is to take Ativan and hope I feel better.  That taking Ativan is my only choice and that means I can't do anything or go anywhere unless I'm with a friend who drives me.  I feel like I don't know what is coming next- I don't know my own mind.  And it will take a week for the Saphris to get out of my system.  My friend who usually is around isn't today.  I'm talking to him. Crying.  he's in another town.  Another friend is picking me up.   Yay!  I think it's time for Ativan.  Tired of crying. Hopefully no more to add but we'll see.  I could really use a hug.

The nurse at the ER and my pdoc both said that I should get out of the house.  So I go to walk out the door and get the evil eye from my mother as she stomps up the stairs.  I yelled up after her that my doctor ordered me to get out by myself.  I don't think it helped very much but damn it I need to take care of myself! Having visions of bloody wrists. Mine!  The bookstore has been good.  Mocha coffee with very little chocolate.  Side of ice water.

I rode the escalator up to the second level of Barnes and Noble.  I searched for books on bipolar.  The same usual suspects: Cheney and Jameson.  I walked to the balcony between the down and up escalators.  I looked over.  I heard a man's voice say, "Don't do that; that's dangerous.". Behind him was his 2-year-old son.  I left the area to look for the afford-mentioned books only to return to the circular glass-and-metal balcony again.  Looking down, I was mesmerized by the people who could not see me.  I saw my leg reaching up and over the glass wall, then, of me falling down down....  I remembered the bloody wrists and hands. Completely covered in blood from elbows to mid-fingers. The thought comforted me. I saw myself climbing over the balcony; it was as if I could not stop myself. I drew my leg up... My mind was now not mine.  And yet on Ativan my brain is askew.  Caught between insanity at home and the supposed need for the psych ER.  Ativan is keeping me together- at least I hope.  A friend online who is also bipolar suggested that I'm in a mixed episode.  I won't discount anything.  The lighting of the store is wintry and crisp.  The book shelves are all taking on a surreal form.  The world I am in which is a dream.  This is called derealization and I know it's not good but I am here nevertheless.  The only thing that can save me is Ativan.  Drug me so I can't move.  Well guess what? I can still move!  My thoughts are still here.  I just feel less anxious.

This internal feeling is unbearable! Tried to cut. Nothing sharp enough. I just want this feeling gone! The cutting can deliver me from this horridness! I want to take pills. Anything! I did the ice- held it in my hands. My hands hurt. Distraction. I still can't stand this feeling! Nobody at the per gets it. My pdoc thinks I need to just get through it with Ativan. I took the Ativan!!