Feeling Sui Still and Mixed Mind

I had a fun date tonight but even throughout the date and even during the standup comedy act we saw I was having Sui thoughts. I sat and stared instead of laughed and when I did it was half-heartedly. Just when I told my therapist I was on the mend. How can I be half ok and half Sui? I'm just blah and having Sui thoughts all the time. My therapist did say to all this week to be seen if I needed to. I just don't get it. My insurance doesn't count ideation of pills for hospital admittance, but I've been taking more and more of them. I suppose I need to tell my therapist this, but like I said, my insurance seemed to discount these things last time. Then again, last time, I was able to avoid actually taking them. Now, I'm not. Mind, you, they aren't a LOT, but an increasing amount, yes. Scary thoughts. I can't get the thoughts that originate these thoughts to go away either. I'm holding on to watching a tv show to distract me and to the beautiful photos I took the other day- a talent of mine- and of course the beautiful children I have. I am of a mixed mind.