Anxiety & Ativan

I have written about both of these subjects before, Ativan a little less. Ativan is an anti-anxiety medication that I'm prescribed. Unfortunately, with the last month of depression, I've been taking more of it. And last night, I felt very anxious. So I began to wonder if my day just took a turn or if I'm becoming dependent on the Ativan. Tomorrow, I see my pdoc. It might be the appointment where I see my pdoc and my therapist together- or that might be next week, I can't remember. I also go to the cancer center about the blood clot in my lung six months ago. Don't know why, but that's the way of it. I am afraid of getting lost as its at the hospital, but I made it last time... I'm worried I've become dependent on Ativan, even though I can sleep without it. I took some last night because I was anxious, but I didn't know if that's because I was worried about something or because I hadn't taken it since I've been taking it a lot since I've been depressed and anxious this last month.

I took my 13-year-old to the orthodontist yesterday. First time. Big deal. No braces yet, but that comes in the next month. I was happy and not anxious then. That's probably because her dad is paying. I know that one of my triggers for anxiety is money. So far, he hasn't made a second appointment. I worry that he will just drop the ball. Her little brother will be next year. (The eldest doesn't need them.)

I'm also tired a lot. I don't know if that's diet related or depression. I could use a nap and I've only been up 3 hours.

So I have two appointments in one week. I hope we get something figured out. One is to talking about how best to use my appointments that my insurance pays for as I don't seem to have enough. And the worst time happens in the Fall- like my manic episode, and and episode hallucinating the year before- and we're nowhere near that yet! The other is just a regular appointment with pdoc, no doubt to see how my meds are and if they still need adjusting.

What I have written here used to be quite poetic, and sometimes I guess it still is, but when I write something like this it just seems very matter-of-fact. Wish they all could be musical as you read them. But they all have the tone of my mind-set at the time, and that's a very good thing!

Editing three days later to say that I didn't see my pdoc on Thursday. I mistakenly had an appointment written in my calendar, it seems. The appointment with both my pdoc and therapist is on Tuesday- three more days from now.