Wellbutrin Weekend

What a weekend. I'd started Wellbutrin for the first time on Friday morning. Saturday night, the kids were away, leaving the house to me. I went to bed and was wide awake. I put on Are You Being Served? and watched all night. I was wide awake and not tired in the least. I really like that show even though I've seen every episode a bazillion times. Every few seconds, I felt a little tingly itchy feeling. Scratch! ... Scratch! Scratch! It went on that way all night. I kept thinking my sheets had bedbugs or were filthy or both. (Formication.) Super imposed on this, someone came in and hit my bed really hard with their hands, when I wasn't paying attention. I heard it and felt it. This went on that way until 7 a.m. when I texted my ex-husband and said I wasn't going to make it to church. (We are in the choir together.) Insomnia is a side effect listed for Wellbutrin. I went to sleep around 11, thankfully, but it was 4:00 when I woke up. Great. Now I'd be up all night again.

Sunday evening, I washed my bedding, took a shower, put on fresh pajamas and tried to go to bed after some melatonin. I looked it up and the bug crawling sensation may be a version of akathisia. I thought that was uncontrolled muscle movements. I hate to tell my psych nurse practitioner because she might take me off the Wellbutrin. Last night, it didn't happen again, so I'm hopeful it was just a one-time thing. Today (Monday), too, I've been seeing hallucinations of animals- cats, dogs, lions. I have also felt very confused about things: what to do, what to do next... moment-to-moment things. I wanted to just shut down in a pod that would block out the world; and to this end, I felt overwhelmed by the paperwork that is due soon that I have to do. I did get it almost finished today. I just have to copy something, print something, and mail all of it.

Through it all, I've been listening to my new CD of Peter Schreier as a boy alto from the early 1950's. There are clips on Youtube and you can buy a copy of the CD on Amazon. That's kept me together this weekend- that and my kids. I took my eldest to Starbucks today and my youngest to Burger King yesterday. (I hadn't been there since I worked there in the early 90's!) It was his first time eating there. He said he enjoyed it so that was better than wasting the food.

Sunday into Monday, the all-night bug fest was closed. So was the bed slapping and insomnia.

Psych Nurse Prescribed Me Wellbutrin Today

The first time since going to the hospital, I was seated across from my psych nurse this morning. We talked about the hospital visit of course. I told her about my recent hallucinations- she was not impressed. The more we talked about me lately- unmotivated, sleeping all day, not much enthralls me, sex on Zoloft was a chore- the more she built her case that I'm depressed and we should try an anti-depressant. Not just any, but one unlike Zoloft (which I just went off) and Celexa, both of which have sent me into mania and have side effects in the past. We decided on Wellbutrin - which has a low incidence of sexual and other side effects. She asked me about any history of fainting; we decided there is none. I took my first dose around 11 taken in the morning. By one at lunch with friends, I felt a little dizzy. It passed though. I still feel overwhelmed by daily tasks. I'd rather sit in a sound pod and be surrounded by my favorite music for hours on end.

Hallucinating in Photographs

 Hallucinating in photographs This has happened before to me. A little bit ago, I was listening to some very nice soothing music. The person who uploaded it to Youtube added photos of the performers throughout. As I was listening to the 9-minute video, I watched the singers and their mouths moved. One boy's ear moved over. Its as if one boy was looking at me not just at the camera. When the whole choir showed up en mass, they all shuffled back and forth. Am I being creative, or are these hallucinations that others have too?

Disassociation at the Museums

It was Sunday yesterday. I had slept through church. Darn! My youngest son is new to the choir and supposed to be there at 8:45. We made it there just on time for a meeting he had with the other teens in the church.

It was a beautiful Fall day: Blue skies, lots of sun and a bit nippy. I headed out toward downtown, walking past the old landmarks until houses gave way to businesses. I called my dad. We were playing a bit of phone tag at first but I finally chatted with him for a few minutes about the long line at the grocery store he was in. Walking through downtown now, I darted past the other people on the street, ignoring them for the most part. I called my good girlfriend to catch up with her. Weren't we supposed to get together today? Maybe next week. Life's been hectic.

The phone beeped. "I think I have a text," I commented. Ending our conversation, I noticed a text from my youngest: The meeting was over. We talked for a bit until we saw each other down the street headed toward each other. What to do? We went to the record store which sells used LP's tapes and CD's. He found a few pieces of sheet music to play on the piano. The winner was Mozart, a composer he hasn't played much of.

We got hungry so got some snacks at the downtown drugstore. Sat on a wall to eat them and decided to go to the art museum. There is always a $10 donation but we had very little money so we walked past the see-through box full of raggedly-laid green. Walking along, I felt my feet weren't on the ground. I was floating above it. As we looked at each painting and statue, the details were so vibrant. My son and I discussed in detail just how each work was put together. The museum was quite live and so I began to sing quietly, reveling in my voice being lifted literally up- a tune from an album sung by girl tenor Ruby Helder. The world around me was like those paintings: I could feel I was inside them but mostly I was in an outside world looking in.

After N had had his fill, we walked back toward the shops and turned down the road that the natural history museum lives. They were building a new home for it right next door - mirrored glass and wood. It won't open until 2018. Inside, it was a special day where various experts laid out displays on tables including opossum and skunk. Each was vibrantly soft or scratchy. I felt them from one side of the table to the other. Who else knew how a skunk feels? All of this strangeness only added to my surreal feeling- every hair meeting my hands and singing to me. People were everywhere which only heightened my feeling that they were in a different dimension on top of mine- a film playing out on a translucent form.

We finally walked back to the car as it was almost five o'clock. We made a stop to fill my tires and then went on to Panera to meet a friend to eat and chat. My medications are still messed up so I called an after-hours nurse to discuss this. She suggested I totally redo the box! I also texted my day to my friend S. He's such a warm listening ear and friend. I don't know of anyone else whom I can tell my troubles to that won't judge me or run away no matter what.

Case Manager Just Asked if I Am Suicidal

I just talked with my case manager on the phone. I just saw her two days ago. She said I called my nurse and said I am feeling sui again. I totally don't remember this!! I remember talking to the nurse to say I was feeling impulsive. I said my meds have been messed up. I TRY to fill the boxes correctly but when I open each compartment they are just wrong with double pills or missing pills. I have paperwork to fill out- tons of it for section 8 renewal and the apartment complex wants something similar but my case manager is going to help me. Right now I am waiting for a person to show up to go through my apartment and inspect it. At least I got it clean. My eldest son and two of his friends came over and deep cleaned! So I was acting suicidal and don't even remember that. Brain gone bad. Why? You can get your meds put in blister packs at some pharmacies. I might try that.

I've got a copy of all my psych records

As part of my disability case, a copy of my psych records was sent to my lawyer. Interestingly, they also sent me a copy. I randomly pulled a page out. It was the trip to the psych ER where I thought everybody were aliens and they could read my mind. The doctor"s dictation of talking to me is interesting. I wonder if the whole file is that interesting. Is my blog that way too? I guess I seem crazy in my file. Oh well. Better for my disability case. We just added my notes from my last hospital stay to my SSDI file. I hope it helps!

Been almost a Year/ Suicide Attempt/ Hospitalization

Its been almost a year since I last posted! I guess everything's been going well?

I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago. Everything seemed fine. Then, I began having symptoms: bouncing around, twirling in circles, increased interest in sex, sleeping only an hour or two every night for about 5 days straight. I told my psychiatrist about my symptoms and she agreed with me that I sounded manic. She increased my Zyprexa and lithium and decreased my Zoloft. A few days went by and the med increase didn't seem to be helping.

Sunday came around and I was hanging out with my eldest son having coffee at Starbucks. For some reason I was having intrusive thoughts. I've had them many times before but always was able to ignore them or redirect my thinking. I began to visualize taking many Benedryl pills. The thought was inviting. It was calling to me. I went home. The first thing I did was get out the bottle of Benedryl. The bottle was half full, swimming with tablets. I turned the top over and filled it with all the little pink invitations.

"One... two... three... four..." I kept count. No thought other than I MUST take them. "Twenty-eight... twenty-nine... thirty." The top was empty. I felt fine. I had called the after-hours help line a few days before to talk. They'd said to call any time. I called. I told the man who answered that I'd just taken the pills. "Hang up and call 911," he said calmly. In a few minutes, the police, ambulance and firetruck were outside my door. The police knocked and came in. Asked me questions. They wanted to put me in the police car but the female officer said there was no air conditioning. The other officer asked if my kids were home and I said my youngest was upstairs. He knocked on my son's door and asked him if he was going to be okay at home alone as they were taking me to the hospital.

We went to the closest hospital in the ambulance as the one I usually go to would've added another 15 minutes to the trip. I stayed in the ER for quite a while. They didn't want me to get out of bed. I had to use a "bedside commode" with people watching. In another room, I sat on the side of a hospital bed. When I stood up, the room started spinning and my head swirled. The feeling overtook me and I suddenly realized, "I'm going to faint!" I sat back down on the bed quickly and felt better.

After not too long, I was admitted to the 4th floor. I was given an IV of fluids that was set on "fastest" in order to flush the drug from my system. I had a heart monitor with lots of wires stuck to my chest. My symptoms began to get worse. My mouth was dry (a sign of a Benedryl overdose). I was starting to not be able to talk. I'd think of something to say, my mouth would start the sentence and half way through I'd forget what I was going to say as my mouth dragged itself through molasses. A friend came to visit but I fell asleep during our conversation. I still had to use the commode. I was a "fall risk". After about 8 bags of fluid, they finally unhooked me and I was sent to the psych floor.

Since this was a new hospital to me, I was unfamiliar with how this psych floor worked. The first day, I slept for hours, trying to make up for the 5 days I hadn't slept. I saw the psychiatrist and nurses. I was brought meds twice a day and fed three times a day. I talked with the other patients about tattoos and jail. I started going to groups and after 2 days they were talking about sending me home already.

Since I've been home, I've felt misunderstood, kind of confused and tired. I also am a bit confused about my meds. However, since I last wrote, I did get my own place and that has been very nice. Oh and one more important thing: I was not depressed when I took the pills. I was manic. I know its counter-intuative but there it is. I have lost one friend over this episode: he said I was lying when I told him why I took the pills. I don't need that type of friend! However, I have also realized who my true friends are. And that has meant the world to me. When you're detoxing off ODing and your friend says sweetly, "I love you'" it gives you the strength to keep going.