Rambling Thoughts About Early Bipolar

 Re-reading "Madness" by Marya Hornbacher.  I'm about 1/4 of the way through.  Seems that her episodes are a lot worse than most people's- but hers started in early childhood- about age 4.  I don't remember having any bipolar symptoms before age 16- EXCEPT for hearing voices at night.  Might be those hypnogogic hallucinations - I heard my sister calling my name.  Or at least, I thought it was my sister.  I would go into fits of rage screaming at the top of my lungs toward adults when I was 15 -17.  People assumed I was just being a teenager.  Maybe I was.  I know I had depression symptoms at age 20   I'd run away and hide- I once left work during out lunch break  and drove down the street to the mall and just sat there in the middle of the mall eating my lunch among the people who were walking by.  I was glad nobody knew where I was. I felt safe that way.  I've also hidden under the bathroom sink trying to be all by myself where nobody could find me.  I did this as a kid, too.  I hid behind a book case in preschool.  They found me and tried to coax me out.  At age 8, I hid under/behind the winter coats in our classroom in 2nd grade.  I felt safe in there.  Which of these are bipolar type things and which are merely age-appropriate coping techniques I don't know.  I certainly never had DBT back then.  Now, I don't feel the need to hide, but it reminds me of my mom's dog that hides in a small closet or the downstairs bathroom -no windows in either.  The depressions stayed with me especially during pregnancy and post-partum.  I'd go catatonic sometimes.  Staring blankly at the wall for ages at a time, staying in my room for hours.  By 30 I was singing along with music in my earphones, riding my bike blasting away at the top of my lungs!  I don't recall being as intense as Marya Hornbacher as a kid.  I've always thought of myself as rather mild-mannered.  My friend Caleb says I am afraid of conflict.  Probably stems from having grown up in an alcoholic household.  I thought everything was great when I was growing up, but it wasn't.  Took me years to figure this out.  So it's a mish mosh of experiences.  I have always been extremely creative, seeing "little worlds" and details in everything- a keen insight into the world.  Intense curiosity.  I consider my early childhood to be pretty normal.  It's when I went through puberty that things started to change- part hormones part bipolar.