D'oh (Anxiety)

My son went to his piano recital with his dad step mom and Grandpa this afternoon..... Oh. Yeah. I just spent an hour freaking out that my son wasn't home yet. Totally convinced myself that their car crashed on the freeway. Picturing dead bodies. My youngest son! Nobody was answering their phones. I thought of hospitals they could be at. Would anyone call me? I have no prn at all even though my heart was racing my face was flushed my thoughts racing.... And then it dawned on me: they're at play practice. D'oh

Sleep

Woke up at 4 am to smoke alarm chirping. Tried sleeping through, tried taking battery out, gave up and left. By five I was at Starbucks. I read and posted. Then off to church. Getting sleepy now. Decided to not go to my son's recital. Sad. Walked to pizza with daughter. Drove to get batteries. Tired brain thought it would be ok to crash. It seemed dream-like. I'm still not tired now. I try to nap. I get maybe half an hour and now can't at all. Wonder if I can tonight. Washed laundry. How long will this day go? There's been longer ones. Wonder if the hallucinations of yesterday will come back.

Tactile & Turning

Just went to get a DVD off the bottom shelf. When my hand touched I said to my daughter "there are only books down here on the bottom shelf", my fingers feeling individual pages thick and thin. She said she thought I was going crazy. I felt again: hard plastic.

Organ Music

We have an electric organ. It's in my bedroom. I thought I heard my 15 year old playing it. Clear as a bell. Multiple parts, petals and all. Except when I leave the room I was in he was nowhere to be found! I'd thought he'd come home Frome school and begun playing in the distance. My daughter said no, he wasn't even home. And he still isn't. This was much more clear than the music in the shower earlier. But just as interesting and ornate.

Singing in the Shower

The penultimate best part to working out: the shower. There I was with loud individual noises coming at me just like the were earlier this morning at Starbucks. But now... Now they were music. Beautiful music that I'd never heard before. Music that I couldn't write down for it was too fleeting but music which sang to me almost like a greeting. When I got out of the shower I had different theories about what it could've been- maybe the TV, maybe I heard the TV wrong, maybe hallucinations. But one thing I know is I heard a singer and accompiast.

A Helper

Yesterday, I had to fill my bi-weekly pill boxes. I don't quite know why- maybe he heard me discussing that I didn't want to fill the boxes- bit my youngest, 15, sat down on the floor with me and read the labels of each one filling along side me, asking questions as he needed to. He was so helpful both in filling the boxes but mostly in taking a load of my mind.

Hallucinations Paranoia & Fun Conversations

I attempted to pay the bills but don't have them all yet. I'm feeling anxious about that. I had coffee with my 19 y/o and a great conversation about Thomas the Tank Engine of all things! And all through the visit with my son I was hallucinating various animals- mostly gray animals but very real. Andfriend of mine asked me to go with him to the mall to walk around for exercise but I said no. I've been getting strange calls lately and listened to two of t he voicemails. They were creepy and weird. Then I decided that they were after me. So I opened the door to go out but went right back in again, figuring that someone was monitoring my phone. I shut the bluetooth off just in case. So I'm sitting at home not cleaning and watching my new movie- Florence Foster Jenkins- yet again.

Good News: Going Down

Saw my psych nurse practitioner this morning. She thought my reactions (in "Sliding Toward Psychosis") were not paranoia, but normal. She didn't say anything about the audio hallucinations except to make note of them. Rexulti is staying at 3 mg for now and good news- zyprexa is down to 5!! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! I think I may be at this dose for a while, but its better than staying at 7.5 or having it put up. I thought for sure after the paranoia and hallucinations, she'd want to increase the Zyprexa, but nope. She said my reactions to a few situations I relayed were natural.

Sliding Toward Psychosis?

The following from my medical chart makes me sad. Apparently, they found these meetings more serious than I did. I remember being matter-of-fact. Could it get worse at some point? I saw everybody as aliens at the grocery store. That seems like only yesterday. And I completely remember how I felt. Will that happen again then? They said I was manic- severely. Was I? They never told me that. I have this report as part of my disability case: I was given a copy of my records. I'm sure this isn't everything they wrote, but its a glimps. I felt myself thinking someone was after me at the grocery store this afternoon, actually. I told myself, "No, no they're not" but I still hurried away from that person. Last weekend, I was walking toward my car in a parking structure when three people walked quickly behind me and my daughter, catching up with each pace. Into the structure they went after me. I thought for sure they were plotting to kidnap my child. When we got up to my car, they got into theirs- right next to mine. When does a person slide from thinking people are after them to severely psychotic?

10/28/2015

F31.2:Bipolar disorder, current episode manic severe with psychotic features (Active as of 10/16/2015)

F29: Unspecified psychosis not due to a substance or known physiological condition (Active as of 11/21/2013)

F31.9: Bipolar disorder, unspecified (Active as of 10/29/2014)

F39: Unspecified mood [affective] disorder (Rule Out as of 11/21/2013)

11/21/13: Client reports paranoid thinking with delusions. (Thinking people are aliens and endorsing a hx of beliefs that she can fly and that she will not die for long if she kills herself.) Client reports a hx of auditory and visual hallucinations, but none at the moment. Client reports anxiety related to personal relationships. Client reports that she tried to overdose to kill herself last night with plans to do so again.

10/08/13: Pt presents as preoccupied, possibly responding to internal stimuli, hears voices telling her to stab herself, reports some improvement in psychotic symptoms.

10/01/13: Client presents "ramped up" with thoughts of jumping into traffic or "flying off of her balcony" w/o specific intent of suicide. She is calm in presentation but she reports that she has felt increasingly "ramped up" over the last 2 weeks. She spoke with her psychiatrist this morning and she recommended she present to PES.

Client is a 41yo caucasian female. Client presents with flat affect, ambivalent in her decision making process, paranoid and delusional (Thinking people are aliens and endorsing a hx of beliefs that she can fly and that she will not die for long if she kills herself.) Oriented x3, denying any current ah/vh, attention intact during interview, insight and judgment arginal. Lithium levels reflect taking meds as prescribed. Negative for benzo's despite reports of overdosing on Ativan last night.Client reports paranoid thinking with delusions. (Thinking people are aliens and endorsing a hx of auditory and visual hallucinations but none at the moment. Client reports anxiety related to personal relationships. Client reports that she tried to overdose to kill herself last night with plans to do so again. Client has access to significant amounts of psychotropic medications including Ativan. Client denies any hx of substance abuse. Client receives MH services from XXXXXXX. Client was psychiatrically hospitalized in November 2012. Client was diverted from hospitalization in February 2013. Client was psychiatrically hospitalized in October 2013 for presenting manic and expressing beliefs that she could fly. Client reports to live with three children, her mother, and her mother's boyfriend. Client reports that her mother is both supportive and a stressor at the same time. Client reports that she has a friend that she feels is supportive, but also believed that he was an alien.Client reports to comply with medication tx usually, which was confirmed by labs, and reports to attend appts as scheduled.