Maybe Mixed?

I want to lay down and listen to emotional music. Not just sad music, but "thick" full of large chords and singers whose spinning voices break through the barrier of time.

I also feel like I want nothing. I am sad. I have no money. We are running out of food. My disability decision, though it was said that its likely I'll get it, isn't here yet. I'm feeling down.

I want to write some sad- yea poignant!- choral music. It would get all these up and down emotions I have going at the same time.

I feel just this side of sad, the mania keeping me from crying or from becoming too overwhelmed. I have kept the manic side of the CD I just got playing for most of the day to keep me from dropping down into the depressed side of things.

I still see some hallucinations. Just flashes now, not as distinct as they were. I know I haven't had more than I'm supposed to.

I'm feeling depressed and like my life is out-of-control and for the first time all I could do hope that it will all be okay.

Part of that depressed feeling is a feeling of dread and bliss at the same time. Lots of energy but bad and sad thoughts. This is where they say a Mixed Episode can go bad because you have the low mood to contemplate suicide and the energy of mania to carry it out.

I changed the background and look of the blog today, by the way. I wanted a change. I find this pleasing, even though its a little rainy. Think of it as a nice Spring rain.