In the Psych Hospital Again

It's that time of year- Fall- and here I am yet again. As I posted before, I knew my brain was going bad several days ago. I felt aggitated. I couldn't hold still. My insides were all stirred up. I had to go to the grocery store about three days ago to get cat litter. I knew that going to Meijer (the store) might trigger me, but I set the thought aside. I ended up at the same balcony that I was at last year when I got admitted to this hospital. I wanted to jump. (Last year, I wanted to fly off.) I wanted to do anything to get rid of this horrible feeling inside me. I nearly climbed over the railing- seeing my legs climb on after the other over-, but I was on the phone with my good friend, Caleb who told me that I indeed could NOT fly, that I would die if I tried.  I didn't trust myself. I had thoughts of stopping this feeling any way I could. Thoughts of stabbing myself. Internally, I felt like I'd had about 100 cups of coffee, like I wanted to jump up and down, scream and scream and scream. I paced and paced and ground my teeth and breathed quickly. I forced myself off the balcony. I bought the cat litter and made myself drive home. On the way home, I had thoughts of driving into oncoming traffic. When I got home, I went outside and called the psych. ER. The woman on the phone said I should be evaluated at any psych ER, not necessarily that one. I went to that one anyway. After many hours in the psych ER, they decided to admit me to their hospital. I was very lucky to get a spot there, as there aren't often rooms at this hospital. Since I got here, the plan has been to change my medication again. We talked about just to which medication, but I've been on so many that its nearly impossible, so we decided to go off Zyprexa completely and stay on the med that's causing me the problems (Latuda) and add something to take away these feelings- known as "akathesia"- called Inderal. I've been here since early Monday morning- about 4:30 a.m. I'm not sure how many days I will be here. Oh but this morning they came in my room at about 5:00 saying to "get up" and "get a shower" and I was going for "ECT". That's electric convulsive therapy. That's where they shock your brain. I've never had it before. Its for depression that won't respond to drugs. I actually was in the bathroom about to turn the shower on when someone else came in and said that they had the wrong person so I wasn't getting ECT. Could've been a closer call, true, but still they got the wrong person! We've made plans for treatment which include watching how I do on the Inderal (it lowers your blood pressure). I am feeling a bit drowsy since going on the Inderal though they assure me that they gave me a very low dose so maybe its not the drug. More when I know more.