Back from psych hospital

 I just got home from being inpatient at a mental health facility.  All we did was watch tv and Netflix and color.  Sometimes a music therapist would come in and play the guitar and sing.  Other times we gave song selections and the person running the group would pull them up on Spotify with their phone and a Bluetooth speaker.  We got meds at 9, 5, and 9.  There were a couple exciting episodes where one patient snuck out of the psych ward and almost made it outside but he got caught by security.  We had to wear “beacons” around our ankles and every 15 minutes someone who worked there would do rounds with a special tablet the read a signal from each beacon.  Last night my schizophrenic room mate was shouting and swearing and talking about “your son”.  Most of what she said was nonsensical and she was always writing nonsensical stuff on a big envelope and she would talk to nobody.  She got put in “the quiet room”- a special room with a thick metal door with a window and a stout bolt.  We never talked with each other except for her telling me she has schizophrenia.  The food wasn’t all that great but every day they would bring us a surprise breakfast and then we could chose between four choices for lunch and dinner.  At least once a day they would take our blood pressure and temperature.  When we weren’t having groups, we would watch TV.  In fact most of our time was spent in front of the boob tube.  We’d talk amongst ourselves.  One of the patients had a tooth break in half.  He got ambesol for the pain yet he still ate.  In fact he and this other guy who talked really fast and who was in a wheel chair always ordered double portions at each meal.  They would wake me up at 6:00 to give me one of my meds but otherwise we had to go to a little window down the hall where one of the employees would give us our medications in a tiny cup and with a styrofoam cup of water.  We did this three times a day.  It seemed like all we were doing was watch tv and eat.  They’d bring us snacks twice a day too.  In fact two nights ago someone came up with a portable freezer on wheels and let us choose what kind of ice cream we wanted.  I chose strawberry shortcake on a stick.  We did lots of art projects and colored a lot.  We also had groups about stress management amongst other topic.  I only saw the doctor assigned to me once via telehealth once and another doctor in person.  

Now that I’m home, Ariel, my calico cat, is so glad to have me home!  She is laying on my lap sleeping and purring.  I had had her and all her stuff at my mom’s house.  She is such a nice cat- even my mom’s neighbor who was feeding her twice a day while my mom was on vacation and when I was in the hospital said so.

I was put on Cogentin for akathisia.  Seems to work well but it’s given me a terrible dry mouth. Aside from drinking lots of water, I used this mouth wash that’s specifically for dry mouth.  It’s supposed to last up to four hours but it hasn’t.  I was also put on Loxapine but unlike the cogentin they didn’t send me home with any.  I called my psych nurse practitioner and left a message with the staff so she can write me a new script for it.  Unfortunately,  it’s the weekend so she probably won’t see the note until Monday so I’ll have to tough it out.  I was taken off the Caplyta because it was giving me akathisia.  

Loxapine and Caplyta and Command Hallucinations

The voices came back two nights ago telling me to kill my friend. Luckily he knows I am not the voices and would never do that! Saw my Pdoc today.  Very good appointment I told her about the breakthrough auditory hallucinations.  She called them “command hallucinations”.  When I look up command hallucinations I see it associated with schizophrenia but not bipolar.  Could that be part of my schizoaffective disorder?  She doubled my Ativan from .5 at bedtime to .5 morning and bedtime.  She also doubled my propranolol for my unwanted movements.   She has Loxapine in her back pocket in case the hallucinations don’t go away stating that I’ve only been on Caplyta two weeks and it takes about a month to take full effect.

Ambulances?

Now hearing ambulance sirens that also sound far away. 

Zombies

All of the sudden I’m hearing zombies do screamo songs.  It sounds like it’s kinda far away but I can still hear it. 

Knives

 I just put all the knives in a bag to take to my mom’s later but not before turning one inward on myself and feeling the sharp point press into my skin.

Talked with case manager

My case manager called.  She wants me to give the knives to my mom.  She told me to talk back to the voices and say things like “No.  I’m not going to do that”.  She thinks I should go to my mom’s.  I dunno if she works tonight or not.  I told her that the voices tell me to harm myself and others and she said that’s what concerns her. 

They aren’t me

 I am not thinking things but the words come from elsewhere.  They are planted in my brain.  By what or whom I don’t know.  They say it’s my brain going haywire.  Maybe it’s stress.  But all I know is that I was not in control last night!  The voices were as random as could be.  Derogatory, mean, hateful, swearing, evil, sadistic psychotic voices and that is not me!  Nothing could be further from who I am.