The Trio

Its dark. If I were manic, I'd relish the way the light plays off the metal objects at night. But I'm not. I don't know if I'm officially depressed or just really hating life right now. I did go out to lunch with the Friday lunch group. Then I took my eldest to his therapist. That lasted much longer than usual, since we were a bit early and he let someone else take his spot citing an "emergency". So all-in-all we were there over two hours for an hour appointment. However, we figured we'd make it up and go to Red Robin for dinner. But there, there was even more waiting. Not bad, though, about 20 minutes.

Every day I wake up and immediately want to go back to sleep. Lots of days, I do. I go to bed early, too, some nights. Like last night, I got to bed at 8-something. That was nice. The kids went to bed early, too. If I didn't have to get up and do things like appointments and picking the kids up from school, I don't know how long I would sleep.

Yes, I have thoughts of self-harm. I want to take anti-anxiety pills (Ativan), anti-allergy pills (Benedryl) and alcohol (Burbon) and fall dreamily asleep. Yup. If I can't type it here, where can I type it? So far, I have resisted the idea, mostly by the insistance of friends - both in real life and online. Why haven't I called psych ER? Its so complicated going there. And the negative feelings often happen at night, though not exclusively.

So here it is, night again. What to do, what to do? Wait out the long weekend? I do have plans tomorrow with a friend so that should keep me distracted. I can't believe it was a whole week ago that he and I ate at that Asian restaurant where my food was so spicey! OUCH! At the moment, I have laundry going and will have to wait another hour or so before that is done.

So this may be depression. I'm not sure. I at least can get out of the house. I'm not catatonic watching the wall. I'm not crying. However, ever since eating the hot Asian food last week, my eyes tend to water without provocation. People notice and point it out, asking, "Is something wrong?" Odd to have a tear or two running down your cheek and have to say no, but nope, nothing is wrong. In fact, I don't feel sad as much as I feel incredibly anxious- that bad things are going to happen. I can't distract myself enough. I suppose I could call my pdoc on Monday, but I should have called today! Darn it. There's always Psych ER to call if things get worse.Like if that trio becomes more of a good idea to me.

I'm wondering if this isn't a mixed episode now. The anxiety is awful.