The Clasps

This morning, I woke up because both my straps on the facemask of my CPAP were undone, making massive leaks back and forth as I tried to adjust them in my sleep. I noticed the straps were undone. Suddenly, I took off the mask- the part that was supposed to attach was gone! I got out of bed and shook out the sheets and comforter. I carefully lifted the pillows. Getting more frantic I tried the straps again- I looked under the bed, under the matress, back in the sheets and under the pillow. It was gone! I gave up. I got back in bed and looked online for a few. Sometime later, I realized- there WERE no parts missing. But why wouldn't the straps hook up? I quit.

Different Hospitals

Each hospital stay Ive had has had its own flavor- especially since some were different hospitals. I sometimes had no idea where I was or what was going on- that was the trip out of the county and when I was depressed. I didn't even realize I was depressed. I also narrowly avoided hospitalization when manic back in April/May.

Last Time I was Manic

Last time I was manic, I stayed up all night watching the same movie over and over- every night for a week!I drove recklessly. I wrote posts in my blog every day for weeks- sometimes 2x per day. I planned to combine all these posts into a non-fiction work focusing on how Zyprexa will kill you. I had a good outline already written with references. I thought God was telling me the meaning of the universe and that everything was connected in one big entity- I compared this to singing gregorian chant. I went to see my case manager and almost immediately after I walked in she said "You're manic!" I stopped for a moment- "No Im not..." My pdoc put me on a very heavy dose of seroquel. It made me sleep deeply. She told me later that had the seroquel not worked, I wouldve been hospitalized. I also was trying things I normally would not have with my sex partner- I was insatiable.

Article on what its like to be manic

Here is a great article on what a manic episode is like:

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/manic-episode/

See my posts from April through May for posts while I was manic. 

Regular Schedules

Saw my case manager this morning. She said to get on a regular sleep schedule and stick with it- to sleep 8 hours. She also said to take Seroquel earlier in the evening. She seemed to think everything else with me is hunky dorey-brainwise, anyway. Just need to exercise more.  I think if I can pull this off, I might just get things accomplished! I have to lose more weight because of my fatty liver.  My CM said it IS more difficult to lose weight on psych meds.  As I've said before, its the antipychotics- Zyprexa, Seroquel, etc that give one metabolic syndrome where its nearly impossible to lose weight.  This MUST change!  I think the typical APs are better in this instance.  God! I need a nap!  I love getting up at 6 a.m. when the sun's already up, but my body complains after a while.  

Pennies in the Mailbox

Ever since I began to drive at 16, I have had a problem with directions- how to navigate from one place to another.  That's not to say that I CAN'T get myself from place to place, but I am MUCH more comfortable going about it after 10 or so previous attempts at the same route.  Without a gps (or VERY simple directions- like, as my late friend used to say, "Take the road to the exit...."-) my mind implodes.

 Once, at about 33, I drove to Georgia in one feld swoop- no GPS!  I had directions and my flip phone to call my friend in case I needed help.  I made it there and back just fine as it was basically a "straight shot" all the way.  (I was also very likely manic.)

Today I was invited to go out with a friend.  She wants to meet at her new place.  As she texted me the directions, my mind disintegrated from a nicely woven hat to a pile of tangled string on the floor.  I had asked for a ride from someone else and I got a half-yes- there, not back.  My friend can't drive me home because she intends on drinking. 

I figure I can take an Uber of Lyft home.  Its expensive but worth not having my brain stickily melted over my person.   I can't do this anytime we want to get together though- way more than a few dollars!

Its pretty much always been this way.  When I was in 2nd grade and 7 or 8 years old, I had taken a few pennies off my teacher's desk.  I felt guilty after a while and at recess decided to confess.  The first person I saw was an adult.  I told her of my dilemma, needing to give my teacher something.  "You can put it in her mailbox," the adult advised.  "Oh great!" I thought to myself, getting increasingly more anxious as the seconds ticked by - looking across an empty field to the long dirt road behind it.  "I don't know where she lives!"  (This was many years before email- even  Prodigy- existed.)

This is the same empty, lost feeling I get when going somewhere new for the first time now 40 years later!  (Thank goodness for Uber!  They have saved the day at least 3 times in my life so far- this being the third time.)  Even using a gps, I have a feeling of unrest- of trepidation, of an underlying anxiety as houses, street signs, and constrection barrels whip by.  Any second, I could- no, WILL get lost.  Will I pass my destination and then be in no man's land?  Mostly, it shows up out of the blue- several houses from the actual address.

As it turned out, my friend Karen offered to take me home- and she DID!- at 11:30 p.m.!

Thank goodness for stranger teachers at school, friends, moms, gps's, flip phones, and cell towers and satellites.  Without them, I'd truely be lost - perpetually in that feeling of disaster at any minute, still staring out across that field worried about "mailboxes".

Diet and Exercise

Just laying on my bed feeling refreshed and relaxed after a shower. I walked 4 miles straight today with N3 (minus 2 5 minute breaks). I got up at 630. Wonderful to be up and out in the cool morning air! (So much better than sleeping till noon. Meh).  Trying to walk every other dayat least.  Changed my diet to no high fructose corn syrup or partially hydrogenated fats and very little refined sugar.  More fruits and vegetables and whole grains.  I'm slower than 15 years ago when I lost weight before but I'm hoping that "slowly but surely" wins for me this time.   If I eventually fit into my old gi maybe I'll rejoin judo.