Anxiety again- Hard Help and Warm Hugs

I'm feeling very anxious the last two days. I'm trying to use coping skills rather than depend on Ativan or Benedryl but its difficult. I will say that I have seen my new pdoc's office and it was okay. I see her again in January. I called the help line they gave me a number for and they've actually followed up and called to find out how I'm doing! I like that. So the rules have changed. I no longer call psych. ER unless something terrible happens, I suppose. If I just need a chat about anxiety or wanting to OD or the like I can call this number. I still think there is too much time between now and when I see someone again. I actually see my old pdoc on the 8th. I am looking forward to seeing if we can actually fix some of this stuff in my life!! I have been trying really hard to keep an even mood so that I don't have to be seen in the ER. This number I called is a nice interim place. Right now, I'm out with my friend, K, sitting at Starbucks. We're going to go out to eat here in a few minutes when he gets something done on his other computer. Part of me is afraid of going back to the place I was at in November. I'd rather go to the psych hospital. The other place is supposed to be more low-key, but there was nothing to do there. The hospital gives you a schedule of classes to go to. Lately, I feel so judged. I feel depressed and lost, basically. I am supposed to be enjoying my time with K so I shouldn't really dwell too much here. Dinner will help as I haven't eaten all day and its getting on in the afternoon. The people from the new place are supposed to call me later today. That will be nice. I need someone to talk to. Even my bulletin board I usually post on isn't helping very much. I feel judged there too. I need hard help and warm hugs.

After All That .... Away for a week

I want to say that I was not hospitalized. From the ER, I was sent to a sort of group home for mental health patients. There really wasn't much to do there except get away from the daily stressors of life. I wanted to go straight home at first, then I got used to it, and then I almost missed the people I was living with. Of course, looking back at the last several weeks that I've been posting its like night and day. Even a friend of mine with whom I talk every day (except while I've been away for some reason), kept exclaiming how "great!" I sounded on the phone today. He said I didn't stutter or have pauses in my speach like I used to. What was written in my chart is pretty clinical, I know, and somewhat scary when you read it that way. But it does match up with what I've written here myself, so a big picture can be seen. My diagosis code, by the way, at my psychiatrist yesterday, is still "pschizoaffective bipolar type". The house wasn't planned out activities like in the hospital but they did hand out medications on timed schedules. Everyone was friendy. Even the guy that was constantly talking to his imaginary friends. And I can say that!! (Though I don't talk back to my hallucinations.) I was allowed to go out a handful times in the week that I was there, a few to dr visits, and a few out with family or friends to get coffee. Those were nice, but having to be back soon, we a little depressing. Speaking of depressing, the longer I was there, the more I could feel my depression lifting. No more dark thoughts. No more suicidal thoughts. No more thoughts to just not exist anymore. I began to look forward to seeing my kids and to cherish the short time I had with them. My pdoc wanted me to go on prozac yesterday, but decided against it which is good because I've heard some bad things about it. I have run out of covered visits for the year and my dr wants me to see her in Decemeber even so, knowing that a visit would cost over $300. Even though I said its Christmas time and that's present money. Even so, she just wanted to see me and see how I am. I understand this and agree- IF I had the money. But I think I can make it a month until my insurance turns over on January 1st and then see her again. She said she can't "make me" come but she'd like me to come. Considering that money is one of my problem areas, I think I'll try to make it to January. I'm going to go back to church choir. That's a great choir and I haven't been in years. I'll have to go back to working out, too.

FILE: From my Medical File

10/01/13 Client reports she had a wish to not wake up yesterday, but that she usually doesn't feel like dying or harming herself. She explained her current thoughts as "the angels told me that I know everything now and I can bring my cat with me. I don't feel scared or alarmed. I'm fine. But I realize that I could get hurt."

10/08/13 Pt reports having very passive suicidal ideation this week but no intent.

11/21/13 Client reports that she overdosed on Ativan last night (5 pills) and feels that she will do it again soon.

11/21/13 Client presents with flat affect, ambivalent in her decision making process, paranoid and delusional (feels and thinks that people are aliens, oriented x3, denying and current AH/VH, attention intact during interview, insightand judgment marginal.

298.9 Unspecified psychosis (Active as of 11/21/2013

296.80 Bipolar Disorder NOS (Rule out as of 11/21/2013

296.90 Mood Disorder NOS (Rule out as of 11/21/2013

Diagnostic Summary: 11/21/13 Client reports paranoid thinking along with delusions. (Thinking people are aliens and endorsing a hx of beliefs that she can fly and that she will not die for long if she kills herself.) Client reports a hx of auditory and visual hallucinations, but none at the moment. Client reports anxiety related to personal relationships. Client reports that she tried to overdose to kill herself last night with plans to do so again.

10/03/13: Pt presents as preoccupied, possibly resonding to internal stimuli, hears voices telling her to stab herself, reports some improvement in psychotic symptoms.

10/011/13: Client presents "ramped up" with thoughts of jumping into traffic or "flying off her balcony" w/o specific intent of suicide. She is calm in presentation but she reports that she has felt increasingly "ramped up" over the last two weeks. She spoke with her psychiatrist this morning and she recommended she present to PES.

Narrative:

Pre screen request was made by PES due to client experiencing anxiety, paranoia, difficulty concentrating and ongoing thoughts of killing herself. Client also reported that she overdosed on Ativan last night.

Client is a 41yo caucasian female. Client presents with flat affect, ambivalent in her decision making process, paranoid and delusional (Thinking people are aliens and endorsing a hx of beliefs that she can fly and that she will not die for long if she kills herself.) Oriented x3, denying any current ah/vh, attention intact during interview, insight and judgment arginal. Lithium levels reflect taking meds as prescribed. Negative for benzo's despite reports of overdosing on Ativan last night.Client reports paranoid thinking with delusions. (Thinking people are aliens and endorsing a hx of auditory and visual hallucinations but none at the moment. Client reports anxiety related to personal relationships. Client reports that she tried to overdose to kill herself last night with plans to do so again. Client has access to significant amounts of psychotropic medications including Ativan. Client denies any hx of substance abuse. Client receives MH services from XXXXXXX. Client was psychiatrically hospitalized in November 2012. Client was diverted from hospitalization in February 2013. Client was psychiatrically hospitalized in October 2013 for presenting manic and expressing beliefs that she could fly. Client reports to live with three children, her mother, and her mother's boyfriend. Client reports that her mother is both supportive and a stressor at the same time. Client reports that she has a friend that she feels is supportive, but also believed that he was an alien.Client reports to comply with medication tx usually, which was confirmed by labs, and reports to attend appts as scheduled.

Here is another file from my medical history.

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Anxiety Bad

The anxiety is still here.............When we leave here, we get me back to my car, then i drive home and then its night again. Me and night and my room- again....... hate this! Maybe its just going to be there forever??? I feel like my life ammounts to nothing and never will. Day after day after day.....round and round and round. People are after me. After me. Coming to get me. From every direction. They are going to get me. I must hide. I must run. But where?How? They will be tapping at my window like the aliens did that day many years ago on the windows at the balcony. Tap... tap... tap... Maybe everybody is an alien and I just can't tell. Even my friend that took me out to dinner. He's the worst of all because I can't tell.I want to go to bed but I can't stand the thought of being in my bedroom. There is nothing comforting about the night - about the dark. I hate it.

The Trio

Its dark. If I were manic, I'd relish the way the light plays off the metal objects at night. But I'm not. I don't know if I'm officially depressed or just really hating life right now. I did go out to lunch with the Friday lunch group. Then I took my eldest to his therapist. That lasted much longer than usual, since we were a bit early and he let someone else take his spot citing an "emergency". So all-in-all we were there over two hours for an hour appointment. However, we figured we'd make it up and go to Red Robin for dinner. But there, there was even more waiting. Not bad, though, about 20 minutes.

Every day I wake up and immediately want to go back to sleep. Lots of days, I do. I go to bed early, too, some nights. Like last night, I got to bed at 8-something. That was nice. The kids went to bed early, too. If I didn't have to get up and do things like appointments and picking the kids up from school, I don't know how long I would sleep.

Yes, I have thoughts of self-harm. I want to take anti-anxiety pills (Ativan), anti-allergy pills (Benedryl) and alcohol (Burbon) and fall dreamily asleep. Yup. If I can't type it here, where can I type it? So far, I have resisted the idea, mostly by the insistance of friends - both in real life and online. Why haven't I called psych ER? Its so complicated going there. And the negative feelings often happen at night, though not exclusively.

So here it is, night again. What to do, what to do? Wait out the long weekend? I do have plans tomorrow with a friend so that should keep me distracted. I can't believe it was a whole week ago that he and I ate at that Asian restaurant where my food was so spicey! OUCH! At the moment, I have laundry going and will have to wait another hour or so before that is done.

So this may be depression. I'm not sure. I at least can get out of the house. I'm not catatonic watching the wall. I'm not crying. However, ever since eating the hot Asian food last week, my eyes tend to water without provocation. People notice and point it out, asking, "Is something wrong?" Odd to have a tear or two running down your cheek and have to say no, but nope, nothing is wrong. In fact, I don't feel sad as much as I feel incredibly anxious- that bad things are going to happen. I can't distract myself enough. I suppose I could call my pdoc on Monday, but I should have called today! Darn it. There's always Psych ER to call if things get worse.Like if that trio becomes more of a good idea to me.

I'm wondering if this isn't a mixed episode now. The anxiety is awful.

Fade Away

The last several days I think I've been depressed. All I've wanted to do is stay in bed- the majority of which I'm asleep. My dreams are vivid. When I'm awake, I post about wanting to die. So much so, that I scared the people on a bipolar bulletin board I belong to. I just wanted to fade away into nothing and never wake up. Then I'd describe the various ways that I could do that- mainly with various combinations of script and non-script pills.

I don't know if this is just a low following my mania, or if its unrelated. I'd love to be in bed right now. I sleep about 18 hours a day and don't get groggy after. I think I might put my pajamas back on. I can't be bothered to do laundry or get a shower. Its only 4:30 p.m. The title to my post on the board was "Black". That's how I felt. Like there is no color, only black. I wanted to take Ativan and Benedryl at the same time and maybe some burbon. Just to check out for a bit. Nothing permanant. No, I didn't call the psych ER. No, I didn't call my psych. Dr. I just am in a funk. I think posting on that board has kept me from doing any of these things because they'd post how concerned they were for me. Telling me I should call the psych ER. But I know that the psych ER might want me to come in and I can't do that because I have kids here I have to watch. I know. Doesn't make sense. Welcome to my brain.

No more hallucinations, except I did just think I saw the cat, again. He ran up the stairs and then wasn't there. Nothing like what happened on Saturday with the photograph of the girl and the coffee beans.

They can't put me on anti-depressants because they make me hypomanic and maybe manic. So I guess the only alternative is to up my zyprexa and who needs that?

I posted here because my friend G.V. said he hadn't seen any posts on my blog in a while so here is one. Sorry its a negative one.

Starbucks & Stuttering

Met someone that shows up at Starbucks nearly every time I do. He said his name is Kenwa. Interesting name. Wonder if the three of us- me, my friend and this person- will talk more now. I feel on edge. Bored really. I don't have my earphones so videos are out of the question.The boards here are slow because its Saturday. Sometimes, I really hate myself. I hate bipolar. I hate just being. What a curse. It ate my brain. Munch.I am out with my friend but I still feel a bit weird. But this is just anxiety I think. My friend is talking about nuclear fallout. Nice. My favorite subject. He did buy me a coffee though. I wonder if we'll go out to eat later. Its only 3 right now. What do i care about nuclear fallout? A bomb could go off a mile from here and what would I care?

I was just looking at a photo on the wall of a woman. She is life-size. She's holding a basket of coffee beans. She has a fake smile on. The more I looked at her, the more she changed. Her face became a mean face. It became the face of the devil! She didn't want me looking at her! I continued, however. Her face changed from mean to happy to mean again. Her basket changed and moved too. Was she nice or was she evil? I still can't tell. Her expression changed from one to the other. Her eyes, too, changed from nice to menacing. Her lips curled up into a pucker of disdain for me.

I've also noticed, as of late, that I stutter. I can't get a word started, or if I do, it get stuck for quite a few seconds before it comes out. Its not just that I can't get the words out, but a mix between that and not knowing what word might come out! They really do get stuck! Its especially frontal consonants like "P"s and "D"s. I'm not sure if its one of my medications doing that or if its something else. I would guess that I'm trying to get words out so quickly that I'm stumbling, but it really feels more like they get stuck mid-syllable and take a few seconds to become un-stuck.I'll have to remember this for next time I talk with my psychiatrist.