Poem

Night falls.

Blankets all

Like Sui

Not tui

Just me

Oh whee

Oh why

I mean I die.

Maybe fifty Ativan

Or 30 rather than...

Plenty a nick

Yes I am sick

Loving to go

Feeling the nuances of life

Ironically so

Pdoc Leaving for Good - Having a baby too!

I just had my appointment with my therapist and my psych nurse practitioner. We discussed family therapy with my mom and how to get that set up. But mostly we discussed that my psych nurse practitioner is leaving. She's not just going on maternity leave in April, she's leaving and moving away! When my old therapist left, I cried. Not this time. Weird, since I've always liked her quite a lot. She's always been very good at what she does. Gotten me through many med changes and odd bipolar states. I will now get a resident for a few years. I have no idea what this person will be like, but I guess I'll just have to see. I hope they are good! Its the meds they will be messing with - and my brain! I also need to go get a new script for Zyprexa so I'm taking one pill twice a day instead of four pills a day. Oh darn.... I'm gonna miss her! She's having a baby in about six weeks and I wished her a happy labor and delivery and baby. She seemed a little taken aback when I talked about personal things, but I meant them, so why not? I just hope I get along with my next pdoc as well as I did with her. She is awesome. It occurred to me that she has to deliver this news to every single person who has been her patient and all of the reactions that comes with that. Not easy!

Anti-Psychotic Fatigue- How Long?/ Happy Chat /Six Weeks of Depression

It has been almost two weeks since my Zyprexa has been upped to 10 mg from 5. I'm still tired. Every day, I want go to bed at 5 p.m. and one day I did! I slept all night, too! My friend, who is a behavioral pharmacologist, said that to expect some tiredness from the Zyprexa even as I get used to it. It is designed to sedate you after all! The day I went to bed at 5 p.m. I slept a total of 19 hours that day! What am I- a cat? I know that oversleep contributes to weight gain from Zyprexa so I really try to watch what I eat and NOT sleep during the day. Some days, I just have to give in.

As a side note, I talked on the phone with an old friend last night. It was a fun conversation. I hadn't heard from him since 1998 or so. The circumstances of our talking again, unfortunately, weren't good, as his wife had died in childbirth and the baby is still less than a month old, born at 34 weeks gestation. Technically, he was my ex-husband's friend- a high-school friend, but we hung out when I was first married. He's got a lot going on right now, and I was glad to be a happy distraction with a fun conversation last night. It helped me, too, to be laughing, since the last six weeks or so have been very depressing for me. The last two on the higher Zypexa have been much better, thank goodness, but its still good to laugh! I looked back and I've been dealing with depression for six weeks now. Boy is this getting old! Its slowly getting better, though.

Dark Thoughts During the Day

There are two of me. The part that takes my kids to dr's appointments and takes photos and enjoys life. Then there's the part that is in love with researching how much of what type of drug it would take to overdose. Obviously, these are opposite poles of thinking. But even though the Zyprexa has helped a lot, the thoughts are still there; the volume is just turned down. I look up what happens if you take X amount of Benedryl, or I contemplate that too much Ativan puts you into a coma. But how much does not? Usually, these thoughts are at night, but its the middle afternoon right now. I will get through the rest of the afternoon. I have all those appointments tomorrow. That will be a touch point with my pdoc at least. I didn't expect to think these things. But we'll see how tomorrow goes. I'll update after that appointment. Meanwhile, I should find something good to read and the kids come home soon. God I hope bedtime goes well. Its always so triggering for me, even though I have a DVD to watch.

Anxiety & Ativan

I have written about both of these subjects before, Ativan a little less. Ativan is an anti-anxiety medication that I'm prescribed. Unfortunately, with the last month of depression, I've been taking more of it. And last night, I felt very anxious. So I began to wonder if my day just took a turn or if I'm becoming dependent on the Ativan. Tomorrow, I see my pdoc. It might be the appointment where I see my pdoc and my therapist together- or that might be next week, I can't remember. I also go to the cancer center about the blood clot in my lung six months ago. Don't know why, but that's the way of it. I am afraid of getting lost as its at the hospital, but I made it last time... I'm worried I've become dependent on Ativan, even though I can sleep without it. I took some last night because I was anxious, but I didn't know if that's because I was worried about something or because I hadn't taken it since I've been taking it a lot since I've been depressed and anxious this last month.

I took my 13-year-old to the orthodontist yesterday. First time. Big deal. No braces yet, but that comes in the next month. I was happy and not anxious then. That's probably because her dad is paying. I know that one of my triggers for anxiety is money. So far, he hasn't made a second appointment. I worry that he will just drop the ball. Her little brother will be next year. (The eldest doesn't need them.)

I'm also tired a lot. I don't know if that's diet related or depression. I could use a nap and I've only been up 3 hours.

So I have two appointments in one week. I hope we get something figured out. One is to talking about how best to use my appointments that my insurance pays for as I don't seem to have enough. And the worst time happens in the Fall- like my manic episode, and and episode hallucinating the year before- and we're nowhere near that yet! The other is just a regular appointment with pdoc, no doubt to see how my meds are and if they still need adjusting.

What I have written here used to be quite poetic, and sometimes I guess it still is, but when I write something like this it just seems very matter-of-fact. Wish they all could be musical as you read them. But they all have the tone of my mind-set at the time, and that's a very good thing!

Editing three days later to say that I didn't see my pdoc on Thursday. I mistakenly had an appointment written in my calendar, it seems. The appointment with both my pdoc and therapist is on Tuesday- three more days from now.

Between the Lines

I've been posting nearly every day lately. But what goes on during the times when I don't post? I'd like to think that I'm well and everything is going just swimmingly. Honestly, that's not always the case. I do have times when I go out with friends that I don't type about because its not directly related to bipolar. The reason I post about "sex seconds" is because bipolar people have a tendency of wanting sex a lot and it doesn't always turn out well.

As you can see, some months I hardly post at all. I like this blog to be only about bipolar. But, what was I doing? Probably a lot like what I'm doing this month: taking one kid to the orthodontist, all three to the dentist, another one to a sleep-study and then to the place to get a bi-pap sleep machine as he has sleep apnea. I go grocery shopping about once a week. I try to take the kids out and take some photos.

And amidst all that, I'm dealing with all of the things I type to you here, like depression, suicidal ideation, and mania, etc. and I just might not be able to get to a computer. I should listen to more of the music I've amassed, too, over the years. I do hang out at Starbucks a lot with my friend- a lot to visit but a lot so I can borrow one of his laptops so I can type into this blog. There are computers at the psych. dr's building so I have updated from there, too.

So, silence is usually good, but it can be bad. I'll do my best to update you, either way.

Whirring Cylinders

There I lie, in the middle of the thing. Smack dab in the center of the merry-go-round. Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! My arms an legs pulled away from my body as I go spinning. Its impossible to see whats beyond but the same whir that was, has been and will be. My belly feels a slight, rhythmic dip. I am one with the earth. With this metal monster. Round and round and round I go. The seconds pass. I am comforted. The more I ride the more I feel okay. The more I melt into the rhythm. The more I no longer see exiting as an option. But its there. Its always there. For the ride will slow down eventually- if no one gives it another push.