Chained Body Free Mind

I finished the internet. Yup. All of it. My friend finally showed up here at Starbucks. Yay. I hope we go out for dinner later. I got a chai. I'm thinking this guy across from me has a German accent and must be German and likely good in bed.

I'm all dressed up and no place to go. I want to grab the guy here.

Run around. But the zyprexa has chained my body -where my mind goes is another story!

And of course, I'm hungry! I haven't eaten since 11. lol now its nearly 4 so...

To detach

a lit match

tightly wound

a fresh wound

Missing skin

Rub it in

eat poison

feel it work

slowly fade

Zyprexa Hunger & Cylindrical Seconds Still

Very simply, since my Zyprexa has been essentially tripled, my hunger has increased a lot. I'm trying to not go crazy when I eat, but its not easy to just plain not eat. I must do something about this... I wonder what the mechanism inside Zyprexa is that does this! The thoughts are quieted- that is, except that they've been replaced now with "eat, eat, eat!" I suppose going back to the gym is a must, even though that, too, will make me hungry! I hadn't eaten all day, but then had some chicken stir fry frozen dinner, and then a bowl of cereal. Seems like breakfast and lunch at once! I can't just jump on my bike since my blood is too thin this week and falling off would be bad. Well, anytime, they don't want me on a real bike, really.

The cylindrical sex seconds continue on ad infinitum, though sometimes with more or less emotion which is odd. That is the only thing that has changed with them. Sometimes I get more or less attached emotionally. Sometimes I am contented, and sometimes ramped up emotionally, and sometimes just happy as a clam.

Check-up with Psychiatrist

I just got out of an followup appointment with my psychiatrist. She does NOT think I've been in a mixed state because she says I have NOT had all the criteria for manic at the same time as all the criteria for depressed; she says I've been more on the depressed side. That the fact that I went out and spent a lot of money on getting my nails done a couple days ago was just trying to make myself feel better from being depressed, rather than manic spending. She's not changing my medications, but she did write some refills for 3 or 4 that are out. I can have my pill bottles back, too. She thinks I'm getting better from the higher Zyprexa dose and I agree. The thoughts are getting quieter and less and less. I suppose I haven't felt really manic like I did last summer. If you read those, this is not that! So diagnosis is "bipolar depression and getting better" I guess. I can't see the official diagnosis code anymore since its all electronic as of late.

Do I Matter?

I'm feeling ramped up and anxious. I don't know why really. I'm sitting in Starbucks with my friend. I've been out to the library earlier and have those DVDs to look forward too but jut the talk her about the purpose of life gee I have none except my kids and maybe my photography. I get depressed thinking of how I haven't made much of my life and there is no retirement and I can't keep a job longer than a few months before I get mysteriously fired. I see pdoc tomorrow . I think Zyprexa is helping day to day, but overall I still feel blah. Do I even matter?

Once I thought I knew what the thread the binds my life together was... turned out to be a manic delusion but it felt good at the time. lol

I guess I am still day-to-day now. I have flashes of feeling good and okay, but the negative depressed side of this is still there. And the irritability is too. I see my pdoc and I'm holding onto that- tomorrow afternoon.

The other day, I was thinking about how my life has and is going nowhere except in circles and I got very sad about it. Its been the same circle. That is, except my kids and my photography. I need to do more photography. Haven't gone out in a while. And more photography of my kids.

Times like these I start seeing things in slow motion. Fragments of life. Small pieces next to each other. Moment by moment and yes second by second I can't only make it. Sometimes not even knowing what I am experiencing as each feeling is a jumble or flat and unrecognizable as such.

Visit with Therapist- "Mixed Episode"

I just came out of my post-ER appointment with my therapist. We talked about why I seem to scare off friends when I'm manic or in a mixed episode, and why I can't seem to keep a job. What do I do or don't do? Do I expect too much from them? I'm I asking too much of a burdon of them when I'm in an episode? I'm still not sure of these, but we did figure that I should blog here and post on bulletin boards to help.

One thing she did say is that she agrees with the PsychER staff that I've been in a mixed episode: Manic and depressed at the same time. She said I've been depressed and irritable at the same time, having dark thoughts, yet scaring away friends with my insistance and dark writing here in my blog. We talked about how to get rid of the intrusive thoughts about taking pills and that I have two minds: the one that says to take the pills and the one that says, "but then you'll end up in the ER with charcoal down your throat". Its the second one that has been a savior.

I am not, however, completely, out of the woods, as I did have some brandy to drink last night and all that did was mess up my blood thinner levels and make me feel hot. Its just that, as I told her, I feel this internal restless feeling- this aweful knawing feeling inside that my brain calls out to anything like Ativan or Benedryl or alcohol to calm me. I end up on my bed as if it were a lift raft, keeping me away from the pills and alcohol, watching tv, desperately trying to keep my attention on "All Creatures Great and Small".

I see my therapist in a week and a few days, again, and my psych. dr. on Monday. (Today is Friday.) I think I can make it over the weekend again WITHOUT submitting to the calls of these drugs. Monday. Monday. I can make it until Monday! I did it last week, I can do it again. I got my pill box refilled today, so I have meds to last me. Ken took the rest of my scripts back home with him. We also talked about drinking hot tea to fool my brain into thinking I've had something to eat, when I get hungry late at night from the higher dose of Zyprexa. I sure hope that helps. The feeling of your brain saying, "Eat... eat... eat..." is so hard to ignore!

Found a New Musical Love (Okay, an old one!)

This piece has long been a love of mine- Miserere. Just in time for Holy Week, when it is traditionally sung. I found this version today. Its such a soothing piece! The top solo is sung by an adult male- soprano, obviously. The sound is very much like a boy, but not quite. Fascinating!

Allegri Miserere - Patrick Husson, Soprano

Let Go from Psych ER - Mixed Episode?

They let me go. Turns out, my insurance wouldn't cover a hospital stay; I guess they weren't absolutely sure I'd kill myself. I have an extra appointment with my therapist in two days and then another with my pdoc on Monday. I kept getting asked all sorts of questions as to what the trigger could have been but I really don't know. I felt like they were thinking I made it all up! They kept asking what I do with my life; I suppose they were trying to see if I were occupying myself enough not to have these intrusive thoughts? HOWEVER... one thing a nurse said that DID make sense is that maybe I've been having a mixed episode. That would explain the irritability and the feeling that I have to take lots of Ativan to calm myself down- to kill this internal restless, persistent, niggling, insistent feeling!; having a manic episode and a depressed episode at the same time! I hadn't thought of that! But after she said it, I said, "Yes! That explains it. And know this makes me feel better already." However, they wrote on my discharge sheet, "Unspecified mood disorder!" Unspecified, my ass! They know full well that I have bipolar 1! I didn't sleep well last night because I didn't have my CPAP; I just didn't go ask for it, I guess, so I'm sure I had issues with apnea. As a result, I'm very tired right now at almost 4 p.m. even though the number of hours I slept last night should have been sufficient.

Can I stay safe tonight? Well I just bought two big bottles of Tylenol- but for general aches and pains for future use. I think I'm ok. The thoughts seem to be much quieted if not gone. After some more sleep, I think things can only get better. My friends are around doing what they do best- being around just to talk with me about life. I still have the DVDs I took out of the library to watch. I have my kids to love; some days, really, what else do I need?