Poem

Night falls.

Blankets all

Like Sui

Not tui

Just me

Oh whee

Oh why

I mean I die.

Maybe fifty Ativan

Or 30 rather than...

Plenty a nick

Yes I am sick

Loving to go

Feeling the nuances of life

Ironically so

Pdoc Leaving for Good - Having a baby too!

I just had my appointment with my therapist and my psych nurse practitioner. We discussed family therapy with my mom and how to get that set up. But mostly we discussed that my psych nurse practitioner is leaving. She's not just going on maternity leave in April, she's leaving and moving away! When my old therapist left, I cried. Not this time. Weird, since I've always liked her quite a lot. She's always been very good at what she does. Gotten me through many med changes and odd bipolar states. I will now get a resident for a few years. I have no idea what this person will be like, but I guess I'll just have to see. I hope they are good! Its the meds they will be messing with - and my brain! I also need to go get a new script for Zyprexa so I'm taking one pill twice a day instead of four pills a day. Oh darn.... I'm gonna miss her! She's having a baby in about six weeks and I wished her a happy labor and delivery and baby. She seemed a little taken aback when I talked about personal things, but I meant them, so why not? I just hope I get along with my next pdoc as well as I did with her. She is awesome. It occurred to me that she has to deliver this news to every single person who has been her patient and all of the reactions that comes with that. Not easy!

Anti-Psychotic Fatigue- How Long?/ Happy Chat /Six Weeks of Depression

It has been almost two weeks since my Zyprexa has been upped to 10 mg from 5. I'm still tired. Every day, I want go to bed at 5 p.m. and one day I did! I slept all night, too! My friend, who is a behavioral pharmacologist, said that to expect some tiredness from the Zyprexa even as I get used to it. It is designed to sedate you after all! The day I went to bed at 5 p.m. I slept a total of 19 hours that day! What am I- a cat? I know that oversleep contributes to weight gain from Zyprexa so I really try to watch what I eat and NOT sleep during the day. Some days, I just have to give in.

As a side note, I talked on the phone with an old friend last night. It was a fun conversation. I hadn't heard from him since 1998 or so. The circumstances of our talking again, unfortunately, weren't good, as his wife had died in childbirth and the baby is still less than a month old, born at 34 weeks gestation. Technically, he was my ex-husband's friend- a high-school friend, but we hung out when I was first married. He's got a lot going on right now, and I was glad to be a happy distraction with a fun conversation last night. It helped me, too, to be laughing, since the last six weeks or so have been very depressing for me. The last two on the higher Zypexa have been much better, thank goodness, but its still good to laugh! I looked back and I've been dealing with depression for six weeks now. Boy is this getting old! Its slowly getting better, though.

Dark Thoughts During the Day

There are two of me. The part that takes my kids to dr's appointments and takes photos and enjoys life. Then there's the part that is in love with researching how much of what type of drug it would take to overdose. Obviously, these are opposite poles of thinking. But even though the Zyprexa has helped a lot, the thoughts are still there; the volume is just turned down. I look up what happens if you take X amount of Benedryl, or I contemplate that too much Ativan puts you into a coma. But how much does not? Usually, these thoughts are at night, but its the middle afternoon right now. I will get through the rest of the afternoon. I have all those appointments tomorrow. That will be a touch point with my pdoc at least. I didn't expect to think these things. But we'll see how tomorrow goes. I'll update after that appointment. Meanwhile, I should find something good to read and the kids come home soon. God I hope bedtime goes well. Its always so triggering for me, even though I have a DVD to watch.

Anxiety & Ativan

I have written about both of these subjects before, Ativan a little less. Ativan is an anti-anxiety medication that I'm prescribed. Unfortunately, with the last month of depression, I've been taking more of it. And last night, I felt very anxious. So I began to wonder if my day just took a turn or if I'm becoming dependent on the Ativan. Tomorrow, I see my pdoc. It might be the appointment where I see my pdoc and my therapist together- or that might be next week, I can't remember. I also go to the cancer center about the blood clot in my lung six months ago. Don't know why, but that's the way of it. I am afraid of getting lost as its at the hospital, but I made it last time... I'm worried I've become dependent on Ativan, even though I can sleep without it. I took some last night because I was anxious, but I didn't know if that's because I was worried about something or because I hadn't taken it since I've been taking it a lot since I've been depressed and anxious this last month.

I took my 13-year-old to the orthodontist yesterday. First time. Big deal. No braces yet, but that comes in the next month. I was happy and not anxious then. That's probably because her dad is paying. I know that one of my triggers for anxiety is money. So far, he hasn't made a second appointment. I worry that he will just drop the ball. Her little brother will be next year. (The eldest doesn't need them.)

I'm also tired a lot. I don't know if that's diet related or depression. I could use a nap and I've only been up 3 hours.

So I have two appointments in one week. I hope we get something figured out. One is to talking about how best to use my appointments that my insurance pays for as I don't seem to have enough. And the worst time happens in the Fall- like my manic episode, and and episode hallucinating the year before- and we're nowhere near that yet! The other is just a regular appointment with pdoc, no doubt to see how my meds are and if they still need adjusting.

What I have written here used to be quite poetic, and sometimes I guess it still is, but when I write something like this it just seems very matter-of-fact. Wish they all could be musical as you read them. But they all have the tone of my mind-set at the time, and that's a very good thing!

Editing three days later to say that I didn't see my pdoc on Thursday. I mistakenly had an appointment written in my calendar, it seems. The appointment with both my pdoc and therapist is on Tuesday- three more days from now.

Between the Lines

I've been posting nearly every day lately. But what goes on during the times when I don't post? I'd like to think that I'm well and everything is going just swimmingly. Honestly, that's not always the case. I do have times when I go out with friends that I don't type about because its not directly related to bipolar. The reason I post about "sex seconds" is because bipolar people have a tendency of wanting sex a lot and it doesn't always turn out well.

As you can see, some months I hardly post at all. I like this blog to be only about bipolar. But, what was I doing? Probably a lot like what I'm doing this month: taking one kid to the orthodontist, all three to the dentist, another one to a sleep-study and then to the place to get a bi-pap sleep machine as he has sleep apnea. I go grocery shopping about once a week. I try to take the kids out and take some photos.

And amidst all that, I'm dealing with all of the things I type to you here, like depression, suicidal ideation, and mania, etc. and I just might not be able to get to a computer. I should listen to more of the music I've amassed, too, over the years. I do hang out at Starbucks a lot with my friend- a lot to visit but a lot so I can borrow one of his laptops so I can type into this blog. There are computers at the psych. dr's building so I have updated from there, too.

So, silence is usually good, but it can be bad. I'll do my best to update you, either way.

Whirring Cylinders

There I lie, in the middle of the thing. Smack dab in the center of the merry-go-round. Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! My arms an legs pulled away from my body as I go spinning. Its impossible to see whats beyond but the same whir that was, has been and will be. My belly feels a slight, rhythmic dip. I am one with the earth. With this metal monster. Round and round and round I go. The seconds pass. I am comforted. The more I ride the more I feel okay. The more I melt into the rhythm. The more I no longer see exiting as an option. But its there. Its always there. For the ride will slow down eventually- if no one gives it another push.

Photography

Photography is one of my loves. Its something I like doing and feel good at. Its one thing my friends have pointed out to me when I've been depressed- like recently- for things I do that have worth. Since this is a blog, I can link to my photos. Sometimes I post individuals inside here, but I'll post a link to my sets. http://www.flickr.com/photos/moose72/sets Enjoy! I hope to add to the newest set, The Kids 2013, soon!

Migraines and Bipolar: Twin Beasts!

I get migraines. They are much more than bad headaches. It feels as if someone is squeezing your eye from the inside. Someone else is pressing a metal beam against the base of your skull. You can't stand light at all: you have become a vampire. Your head throbs, over and over again. You seek the dark; the light burns. Your stomach turns over with nausea again, and again. The back of your skull throbs again and again and again. You might throw up, but you don't. What a cruel trick! You lay in the dark and can't sleep. Eventually, you may vomit, which temporarily relieves the pain. Or, maybe not. Will this horrible pain ever end?

There have been some studies that link bipolar with migraines. Now a new study found that a family history of bipolar disorder also increases the risk of having migraines. And other good news, Topomax, which I take for my bipolar, is good at preventing migraines! Since I also take blood thinners for a blood clot in my lungs last fall, probably indefinitely, I need whatever I can get to prevent migraines as there aren't too many pain relievers I can take outside of the hospital that aren't Tylenol. This leaves me suffering at home, or in the hospital on a high dose of Benedryl, which does help but something stronger would be preferable for the amount of pain I'm in.

Are these two beasts linked? It seems they are. My sister gets migraines, too, though she has never been diagnosed bipolar. I hope my children never get either one of these monsters. And that they are: Monsters!

Anti-Depressants and Bipolar

I've twice been prescribed anti-depressants while diagnosed bipolar. The second time was about a year ago. I was out at a restaurant with a friend when I began beating my fingers against the table; then, the fork and knife. I couldn't stop. Bang, bang, bang, rap rap rap, rap, rap, rappa, rappa, rappa, rappa, rappa, rappa... over and over and over and over and over... After several minutes of this, my friend suggested I call my doctor. Instead, I called my friend who researches brain drugs- he's a behavioral pharmacologist. Technically, a doctor. He suggested that my Celexa had made me hypomanic. But the whole time we were talking, he was laughing at my rate of speech and my quick wit. I admit it was a very fun conversation.

The other time- first really-, I wasn't yet diagnosed bipolar but again was out on Celexa. I had driven myself to Wendy's but when I got there I had no idea how I had gotten there. In fact, I had no idea what they did there. I could read the menu but the words made no sense at all. I looked down one hallway, then back again, and had zero idea where I was or how I got there or what those words meant. I called my psych dr. (different than the one I have now) and she said, "You shouldn't have been driving!" I don't remember how I got home. I probably stayed out long enough for the dose to wear off a bit so that I could drive. The sensation was of absolute LACK of emotion. I have NEVER felt this since. Just complete lack of happy, sadness, irritation, joy, etc. It was as if my emotional brain had been switched off. It was freeing, in a way, but in retrospect it was dangerous.

Some people are bipolar and get along with antidepressants. I don't. When I'm depressed, now, they up my anti-psychotic, Zyprexa.

Friend, Kids, Forgetful, New Med Dose, Photos

I see my therapist next on Monday. Today is Wednesday. Today is day two of the increased Zyprexa. I slept until 1:30 this afternoon! I was up earlier, but I just turned the tv on and fell back asleep. I looked back, and its been a month of this depression! My dear friend from Germany saw my picture of my son that I took a couple days ago at his piano lesson and told me how lucky I am to have my children. How sweet! I really do think he's wonderful- both my friend and my son. All three of my kids, actually. It would be lovely to have my friend come to visit me and the kids. We've known each other for 10 years!

While I was on the phone with my pdoc, I was talking and she had to talk over me, saying my name over and over a few times. Wonder what she was thinking. Was I talking too much? Not making sense?

I also left my scarf at Starbucks but obviously found it again. Hmm. That has nothing to do with anything except that I'm a little forgetful.

I do feel much better. The intrusive thoughts are all but gone. My new goal is to lose weight and try to get my cholesterol lowered. Been there done that. Unfortunately, one of the meds I'm on- Zyprexa, of course- is creating the higher lipids and appetite.

I need to go take more pictures of my other two kids soon.

Irony of Medication & Upped Zyprexa & Talked to Pdoc

My psych. dr (pdoc) finally called yesterday afternooon around 4:30. She said my choices were to go into the hospital, the psych ER, or up my Zyprexa. I chose upping my Zyprexa. That means I'm up to four 2.5 pills a day for a total of 10 mg. I took the extra pill this morning and so far I'm not extra sleepy. My hands feel numb, though, -buzzy- and yesterday, before the additional dose, my hands were shaking quite noticably. In fact, my 13-year-old daughter mentioned it. (This is likely due to the Topomax, not the Zyprexa.) At any rate, I told my dr. all about what I've been typing to you here. I guess it was good to be honest. I don't know what she thought- if it was all clinical. I would suppose it was.

Then this morning, my primary doctor's office called. Yesterday, I had had my yearly check-up. They checked various things, including my cholesterol, which of course, is very high, due, in part, to the Zyprexa. Zyprexa is known to raise triglyceries very high. Not to mention make you want to eat more! Of course, the answer to this was, "exercise and eat better". Hrumph! Suppose I have rather slacked off at the gym. But, I am here at the dr's to get two prescriptions- vitamin D and Fish Oil- to help with this, so that's at least something. I just picked them up and had to tell the pharmacist that I'm allergic to fish! My doctor should know this. Sheesh.

Hopefully, the dark thoughts will be pushed away by the higher Zyprexa dose. I told my psych. dr. on the phone yesterday that they had become harder and harder to push away. Maybe zyprexa will just numb all my thoughts. Ironic to ask for that maybe, but sometimes we have to take what we can get.

Jobs & Auditions: Getting Fired and Bipolar

I was just watching the Stephen Fry documentary on Bipolar, The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive, and at the very end, they interviewed a woman in her 20's who they said just never is going to get very far in life. I feel that is me. People tend to think that whatever job you have, that is YOU. That's your self-worth. If you don't do enough good or you don't make a lot of money, you may as well be a waste of a person.

People with bipolar often cannot hold down jobs. Obviously, being manic or depressed makes it difficult to perform a job. I can't tell you the number of jobs I've lost "for no reason". One, just recently, I worked my first day. I was on time. I worked HARD. And, still, I got told, "sorry it didn't work out" and had to pester this person for six weeks to get a paycheck for minimum wage. What did I do? In the job before that, I was working at a factory for three weeks or a month. Again, I was on time every day, and on my last time was sick. I thought it was the heat. It could've been my bipolar. I know for a fact that I was hallucinating- hearing voices- a few days before this, but I "soldiered on". I told my boss I wasn't feeling well. They wouldn't let me drive home. I had a friend come and get me. Still, they fired me. When I was 20 years younger, I left a job at lunch after the boss wanted to fire me "for no reason"; I just walked off during lunch and never came back. (Before diagnosis.) Still again, I had a job a few years before the one I hallucinated at where the boss tried telling me, "You're not fired but you can't come back". I ran into a former fellow-employee a year ago or so, and she said this boss tried the same thing with another girl who took her to court and won! Wish I'd thought of that.

All of that to say that I have trouble keeping jobs. I don't know what people see in me- if its the bipolar, or if I'm just a weakling that's easy pickin's. I just know that I find it hard to get and keep a job. Its really difficult on me. I feel bad about myself because of it. That's when people remind me that I'm good at photography and I should make a job out of that. Yes, I should. But I haven't. This isn't to say I haven't had jobs in my life. Its just that lately this is getting worse. I start out well, and, like the last one-day job, I think I did a great job, and I get told, "Sorry it didn't work out. Thanks for your trial day!" TRIAL!? I had a "TRIAL?!" Wow. I thought I actually did some honest WORK!

This wasn't a job, but I auditioned for music school back about 10 months ago now. I got a rejection letter. I was crushed because I've never been rejected musically. Ever. It sucks because they may have decided they didn't want me based on my age, or they didn't like my interview answer, or they hated my outfit. Any number of things that had nothing to do with my talent. I thought I gave a great audition- singing, theory and piano! But I tried to contact them about what I could do better next time and I was shut out. ZERO communication where there had previous be some.

So is it my bipolar that is turning people off? Am I too "up"? Am I too happy? Too self-assured? Too "ready-to-go"? That's the only thing I can think I had in common between the jobs and the audition. I was ready to go and asking what I could do next., That's what you'd think people would want. But I really don't know. I seem to go in ready to work and do a great job and still I get let go. It also seems as if the other employees don't like me personally and tell the boss and then I'm let go. Like its a personality contest. That's happened twice now. Both at the "sorry-it-didn't-work-out" job and at another one at a pet shop that lasted a day, also. Whatever it is, I think it must have to do something with bipolar. My friends like to tell me that "It's them not you" which is comforting, but one day I am going to have to be able to get a job and not have these weird things happen!

Missed Zyprexa / thoughts worse

The intrusive thoughts are particularly bad tonight. Same thing- 5 mg of Ativan and a knife. My friends are all scared. But I can't call psych ER. I can't stay up all night again. I guess that's my only choice this being the weekend and all. I also discovered while filling my pill box that I've missed a third and maybe two thirds of my Zyprexa this week. Mis-filled the box it seems.

Overdosing on Ativan - Still Suicidal

I'm supposed to be having my visit with my therapist right now, but someone called this morning and cancelled. Its not rescheduled for a week and a few days! I'm actually in the building, but that's because I needed two prescriptions refilled and to get some bloodwork done.

I went out for Friday lunch this afternoon. That was okay. I felt fine. Food was good. People were their usual selves. But I still cannot get these suicidal thoughts out of my head. They are still of overdosing on Ativan. (And some of stabbing myself, though those are fewer.) I still have not hidden them from myself. I haven't taken any in a few days, either. But at the moment, I was walking to the car, and thought I'd stop and write this post before I went home. I'd like to just get back into bed, actually. All around me here at this desk in the Depression Center are pamphlets about suicide and hotline numbers. There must be 10 of them if there's one. Ironic, I guess. I think I may just be obsessed with the idea- suicidal ideation- rather than want to do it. Then again, I keep taking more and more Ativan which means I want to check out in some way. My friends on my bipolar board are worried. My regular friends, I don't generally tell these things to, except the few that will read this post. Maybe I am not suicidal but merely obessed with the idea of it.

Anger in Mania or Depression

It happened again. A few weeks ago, I got angry. They say anger goes with mania or depression. But when I get angry I start screaming and swearing. I am not myself in any sense of the word. Sometimes, I get so worn out by it, that I flop down exhausted. Something must trigger it. I'm not sure what that is, though there is a sense of something from 30 years ago. I've heard of other bipolar people talking of this anger- of this rage- in mania or depression. I just break down, screaming and swearing, and last time- as wrote- I ended up walking down the middle of the snow-laden street in the dark in my pajamas without a coat. One time, it was so bad, I went to the ER. Of course, now I am almost afraid to go to the ER for both the lack of sleep and the waste of time if the insurance won't pay. What a mess. And why write all of this? Just was on my mind. Its a part of bipolar. Some people get so angry that they get arrested. Thank goodness that hasn't been me. But the intrusive thoughts sure do play. Oh boy, do they. Even years ago- maybe 8 or so- I saw the kids at my son's kindergarten's spines and skulls being ripped out of their bodies. Intrusive thoughts. "Horror movie hallucinations", some call them. They just play. That's one thing writing helps- its a PLACE for these thoughts to go, so they might have a home. Doesn't mean they won't be re-read, but once they're here, they really won't want to leave.

The Thoughts Seem Better/ Losing Consciousness/Took pills anyway

I've watched the documentary below and that has been both triggering and calming at the same time. I am bipolar. We are all the same. Its comforting.

My thoughts seem better, too. They aren't as intrusive. In fact, I had a dream two night ago that I was outside in the summer (a clue that it wasn't real as its now Winter). Hot, hot out. I was standing next to my car ready to get in when I felt faint. The world slowed down. I felt my body fall in slow motion toward the black asphalt, down, down, down... Taking forever, like things do when you are very stressed out. I don't remember an impact, but I remember falling onto my purse. I lost consciousness. Maybe my brain wants to do this in general? But the thoughts are displaced by things like going to meetings for my daughter's school trip in a month. That *has* to be done.

Then again, I took some Ativan anyway. I was supposed to have given them away but I was sure I wouldn't need to. And last night I took three. Not a lot. Nothing dangerous. But more than prescribed. Enough to make me fall deliciously asleep. Maybe that's all this is about- more than prescribed. Or maybe I just am a little self-destructive. I was told to call psych ER if I started to search for knives, but my friend, S.S., says that's way too late, to her. If I'm finding knives, I'm "this close" to using one. My therapist thinks otherwise. My appointment is tomorrow. We'll see how tonight goes. I slept well last night.

Back to the documentary, I know only a few people read my blog, but its a really good video to see. I know its a lot to ask in addition to my blog, but it will help you understand. It cathartic in places!

Documentary on Bipolar by Stephen Fry

Stephen Fry, of Fry and Laurie, made a documentary on bipolar, a few years ago. It's pretty all-inclusive. He interviews many people, including Carrie Fisher and Steven Spielberg. It's a great overview and in-depth look at the same time of bipolar disorder. It's worth the two 1-hour segments. Get comfy and enjoy!

part 1

part 2

Great & Bipolar / Talked to my Therapist

My appointment is switched to Friday for an hour instead of half an hour. She wants the Ativan out of reach. She says if the intrusive thoughts get so bad that I start looking for weapons, THEN call psych ER. Otherwise, ride it out two or three more days until my appointment. She said I might be scaring my friends by posting here, but this is where I get my feelings out. My friends know they can always talk to me, too.

I got a nice message from a friend, essentially saying I am great even while bipolar- in fact, I'm great AND bipolar! It made my day. He said he wouldn't want me any other way. I said that I hate my brain and he replied, "don't hate it... i like how you are with it. some friends just can't take the difference."

And speaking of relationships, the one I thought I'd ended, keeps texting me and just now keeps trying to be cute and ask sweet questions about how my day is going and I just replied that "our relationship sucks and is great simultaneously". Ha! When will he get a clue?! Pretty soon, it will just be gone. He keeps fishing for me to still be around. If I'm not for any length of time, he reels me in again. Round and round we go. The game continues. I'd rather be told how great I am! I really should go see THAT friend!! He's having a hard time at work, so he likely won't want to get together soon, but you never know. I should ask anyway. I haven't seen him since June and its now March! Oh - other friend (the one I thought ended) replied about how our relationship sux but is good at the same time: "I know". That's a huge step! But... Merry-go-round. Songs sung. Etc. Etc... I'd rather be great and bipolar.

Dark dark thoughts - I'll make it

The thoughts are still here. I push them away only to have them return. Now its thoughts over and over of stabbing or of being stabbed- me, just me. I see my therapist in two days. I made an extra appointment. I should be able to deal with these thoughts better. For now, all I can do is distract myself and look at my children and laugh with them. These are the things I keep coming back to. Not friends or me really. Just them. They call them intrusive thoughts and they are. I suppose my coping skills are not what they could be but they are obviously good enough. My appointment is only 30 minutes so i will have to be succinct. Last night, a good personal friend of mine wanted me to go to psych ER because I was scaring him but I made it. I'll make it tonight, too. Then it's my appointment.

....Mixed Thoughts Continued

Everyday I go through the same thing and it gets worse at night. My friends are noticing that something is wrong. I take the Ativan because I want to overdose but can't just take 10. Figure ill work up to it. I have been wanting to of on any pills for months. And the want has been stronger this week than ever. Psych ER won't help. Hospital won't take me. Just keep taking pills.... T wanted to see me this week. Suppose ill call. I'd get drunk if I could. Never been a drinker. I know I'm annoying lately.

Feeling Sui Still and Mixed Mind

I had a fun date tonight but even throughout the date and even during the standup comedy act we saw I was having Sui thoughts. I sat and stared instead of laughed and when I did it was half-heartedly. Just when I told my therapist I was on the mend. How can I be half ok and half Sui? I'm just blah and having Sui thoughts all the time. My therapist did say to all this week to be seen if I needed to. I just don't get it. My insurance doesn't count ideation of pills for hospital admittance, but I've been taking more and more of them. I suppose I need to tell my therapist this, but like I said, my insurance seemed to discount these things last time. Then again, last time, I was able to avoid actually taking them. Now, I'm not. Mind, you, they aren't a LOT, but an increasing amount, yes. Scary thoughts. I can't get the thoughts that originate these thoughts to go away either. I'm holding on to watching a tv show to distract me and to the beautiful photos I took the other day- a talent of mine- and of course the beautiful children I have. I am of a mixed mind.

My youngst son, yesterday

It was nice to take some photos again! And to spend time with him on a 'snow day'.