Dark Thoughts During the Day

There are two of me. The part that takes my kids to dr's appointments and takes photos and enjoys life. Then there's the part that is in love with researching how much of what type of drug it would take to overdose. Obviously, these are opposite poles of thinking. But even though the Zyprexa has helped a lot, the thoughts are still there; the volume is just turned down. I look up what happens if you take X amount of Benedryl, or I contemplate that too much Ativan puts you into a coma. But how much does not? Usually, these thoughts are at night, but its the middle afternoon right now. I will get through the rest of the afternoon. I have all those appointments tomorrow. That will be a touch point with my pdoc at least. I didn't expect to think these things. But we'll see how tomorrow goes. I'll update after that appointment. Meanwhile, I should find something good to read and the kids come home soon. God I hope bedtime goes well. Its always so triggering for me, even though I have a DVD to watch.