The Thoughts Seem Better/ Losing Consciousness/Took pills anyway

I've watched the documentary below and that has been both triggering and calming at the same time. I am bipolar. We are all the same. Its comforting.

My thoughts seem better, too. They aren't as intrusive. In fact, I had a dream two night ago that I was outside in the summer (a clue that it wasn't real as its now Winter). Hot, hot out. I was standing next to my car ready to get in when I felt faint. The world slowed down. I felt my body fall in slow motion toward the black asphalt, down, down, down... Taking forever, like things do when you are very stressed out. I don't remember an impact, but I remember falling onto my purse. I lost consciousness. Maybe my brain wants to do this in general? But the thoughts are displaced by things like going to meetings for my daughter's school trip in a month. That *has* to be done.

Then again, I took some Ativan anyway. I was supposed to have given them away but I was sure I wouldn't need to. And last night I took three. Not a lot. Nothing dangerous. But more than prescribed. Enough to make me fall deliciously asleep. Maybe that's all this is about- more than prescribed. Or maybe I just am a little self-destructive. I was told to call psych ER if I started to search for knives, but my friend, S.S., says that's way too late, to her. If I'm finding knives, I'm "this close" to using one. My therapist thinks otherwise. My appointment is tomorrow. We'll see how tonight goes. I slept well last night.

Back to the documentary, I know only a few people read my blog, but its a really good video to see. I know its a lot to ask in addition to my blog, but it will help you understand. It cathartic in places!