Irritable

People are irritating me to no end. They need to shut up. It's going to be a long time until bedtime when I can veg. out with tv. I'm being pestered by people I know and strangers alike. It's gonna be a long day. Cold. Taking my walk wouldn't last long. I have appointments for the kids the next two days. Then the weekend. Everybody needs to stay away from me.

It's several hours later and I'm relaxed in bed. Tv. Talking to a good friend. Yay.

More Hallucinations

Same as the other day. Sounds like someone put a phone down on the table while the other party was still talking. Sounds tinny. Almost whispery. Can't understand them, still.

I'm feeling manic again

I was walking and felt that floating-along feeling. I'm at a cafe. I'm paranoid. I'm talkative. I'm happy. My thoughts are jagged. This peanut-butter-chocolate cookie bar thing I just bought tastes SOOOOOOOO good! The flavors are nuanced and the peanut butter part is OMG so tasty! Oh WOW is it good! I just ate another piece. I'm happy. Time seems to have stopped. Its just the cafe and my friend and me. Yeah I'm taking my meds. Every night. The double dose and all. The dark outside is shimmering. The lights so bright and cool. The reflections happy and smiling. What it needs is a fireplace but alas there is none. In fact, I'm typing on my friend's laptop because my ipod touch is too darned slow! If I type too quickly for it, all the letters "hang" and then the browser crashes and I lose everything. Grr.

I just said, "That's not a crack monster; that's a glory hole!" to my friend. Then laughed. And I'll laugh again here: Hahahahahahaha!

Let's see. If I tell my dr. I'm manic again, she'll up my meds. Maybe sleep will help. No hallucinations yet. Night time is their favorite time, though. Right now its 9 p.m.

I still feel in another world. Its awesome! The night, the dark, the light and the suspension of reality. I'd LOVE to stay here! LOVE IT!

So what's to do is see if I sleep tonight. I bet I will, but I may need Ativan. I tried Benedryl the other night but I got really itchy and then woke up at 5 a.m.

However, my car is fixed and I'm so happy about that. There were two big holes in the exhaust and the car was very loud. Now that that is fixed and I fixed the brakes, my car is like a luxury sedan. So SMOOOOOTH.

What I need now is snow. Yeah, that's it. Big fat flakes falling down. But they aren't there! What's their problem?! I need to stand under them and eat them and see my breath. That won't happen for a few more months.

I still think my friend was denying that she said she'd meet me just to be mean to me. Only thing to do is just ignore her. Its still an issue of someone purposefully changed the rules on me just to fuck with my mind. Not nice. See why I say that there are really only a few people out there who truely love me no matter what?

I still have my sense of past and future. Was reading about that today. Without your sense of past, you have no sense of the future. Its like we're constantly referring to what we've done so that we can make the right choice as we move through life. I don't mean the big choices. I mean, how do I go to the kitchen to eat because I'm hungry and last time that happened... If you lose your short-term memory, you have to keep constant notes in a little notebook. Otherwise, you can't even walk to the bathroom to pee. This post, if anything, shows how the brain is pretty darned fragile. I know that! I feel like I know what the green wall tastes like. No not lime. Just green! What does green taste like? Well what does it look like? Not like blue or yellow, and yet... The old "try explaining it to a blind person" idea. That's what we are: I'm the bipolar person and you're the blind person. I hope this translates into something. I met someone once who was not creative at all. My daughter found a potato chip that was shaped exactly like... something. But she turned around to this stranger and said, "Look at this! It looks just like..." and he said, "Sorry, but I'm not the least bit creative." And he meant it. So much that goes on in our brains. So much....

"Do you believe in what you see? What is real?" This is a song that is playing over the speakers here at the coffee shop.

Comfortable Detatchment

I am at whole foods. The battery on my iPod is about to die.  I'm feeling shaky.  I had some yogurt in case it was blood sugar though I don't have a problem with that. The sun is going down.  The atmosphere with the Saturday shoppers and the lighting is making me more detached.  Where the world's rules cease to function. Its comfortable, ironically.  Except the vibrating feeling I still have.  It's almost an anxiety which makes me feel that my friends are put off by me somehow.  One of which said she would meet me at the book store and then didn't.  So I called her: she was across the street at another store and furthermore she never said shed meet me;  in fact, I was completely wrong!  Now, am I remembering something that never actually happened or is she being mean to me by changing her mind and then lying to me blatantly? 

More later.  I forgot my password to this site so will have to log in later when I have more battery on my iPod.  Battery about to die.

  Home. Heat in car helped but still cold/anxious. Sun not down yet. People had better leave me alone. Or give me hugs. Can't decide which.

Ramped up/Anxious

I slept in a lot compared to yesterday when I was up at 5 a.m. So I made up the sleep. But I've had coffee and feel anxious. Hallucinations didn't come back. Usually coffee doesn't do this. Though I have had flashes of memories from being manic: flashes of being impatient and people being slow. Can't stand being where I am from moment to moment. Had lunch with Friday lunch group. All was well there. I want something to do tomorrow and yet I have no plans. Not seeing psych dr for 3 weeks or so. Can always call if things get worse, but the answer is usually increasing my Zyprexa. Welcome to Zombieland.

Hallucinating Right Now

I dunno if it's the tv but I hear people talking into my left ear! Right now. It's whispering or like someone talking to you on the phone but you have the handset away from your ear.

"You Should Stop Taking Your Meds"/"Everybody Is Biplolar" 2

Back in May or so, I wrote a post about my son's music teacher saying that everybody was bipolar. There is nothing that can compare to walking a mile in someone's shoes- maybe 2 or 3.

And on that light, I'd like to continue along a similar theme. I was out to lunch about a week ago with a small group of friends. We try to get together every week, but not everybody shows up every time.

I ended up across the table from one of two transgender people who are part of our group. A very lovely, gentle, funny woman. An engineer. I enjoy our conversations and her infectious laugh very much.

So I broached the subject of bipolar with her. "Do you remember about 5 or 6 weeks ago when Betty* nearly got run into in the parking lot?" [*Name is changed.] "Well," I continued," she and I were at odds because she was upset still and I wasn't sympathetic at all; I was manic, and didn't quite realize it yet." What she replied next floored me. "Why don't you wean off your meds?" Yes, she went on, they were the cause of my problems. Bipolar, to her, didn't exist. It was a "pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps approach. Well, from an engineer, I can see this. But what I WANTED to say- in my now-appropriately-medicated state- was, "Its not a character flaw!!!" I cannot JUST think myself out of a manic state. I wanted to explain to her just WHAT would happen if I weren't ON any meds, as this episode started while on quite a few. But would that logic even make sense to such a person?

Well, you say, what about Dialectical Behavior Therapy to learn to communicate with others better? I've never had that. I've had plenty of therapy, and I am going to go to DBT groups in the new year. But it stands to reason that you can't just think yourself out of the state that I was in a month ago. Go back in this blog and read my four-part series written *while* I was manic; too far gone, is too far gone. Bipolar has a way of hijacking your brain and that's that. No matter if my friend says, "You ARE you brain!" or not. Sometimes, little by little, you are too far gone. And that's what happened to me in September.

So, we're back to what "normal" people think bipolar is. Its clear that- outside of this blog- I am not very good at explaining what it is. I have about three friends who truly understand my being bipolar. (One has taken me to the psych ER several times.) People have their ideas of what it means to be bipolar and its very difficult to get them to change those. Just like how people think schizophrenic means "multiple personalities". It doesn't; that's disassociative disorder, or DID. So what can we do? Gentle explain ourselves, and when misunderstood, cut our losses? Or do we just drop it for another time when maybe, just maybe, this person might understand? We must ask, "How important is it for this person to truely understand this part of me?"

Sometimes lunch is just lunch, and chatting with a music teacher after school should stay on the topic of music. And for those few who understand me and love me even so, I am so glad you're in my life, and I'm grateful for our relationship.

Old Photos Make the Time Fly

Been feeling very good this week: relaxed and optimistic since seeing my new therapist on Tuesday. I put a bunch of old photos of my kids online yesterday. That felt good to have copies, but to also see all these old pix. But now I feel like where did all this time go? Have I wasted my kids' lives? I have tried to make them good! The pictures of course bring back memories and I want to go back there and not make the mistakes I have. Has bipolar done this? I so glad I've take pictures of them over the years! And that I've kept quotes of their funniest things they say. I think I'll try to put together another book this year for my dad for Christmas. If only I didn't have to borrow a laptop. Oh well.

Med Withdrawal/Medication Compliance

Just a quick post here to explain med compliance.

If you've read the previous several posts on mania, you'll know that in there I decided that I wanted to be the "real me" and not take my meds. This is known is "medication non-compliance". Its a hazard of bipolar.

When I had been off them 3 or 4, days, I began to feel like I had a headache and this internal... well BLAH. I felt terrible. Its hard to explain.

So because of this, I went back on my meds carefully with my doctor's supervision. I felt much better after a few days, and after a week, I am back to my normal dose on both Lithium and Zyprexa.

Interestingly, I still had the THOUGHTS of mania that I'd been having, but they were damped down- like Dolby Noise Reduction did to tapes in the 80s. Almost 2 weeks later, they are still there- the paranoia and anxiety- but not as often and not as much.

It feels as if I'm addicted to these meds because, as I've written, even WITH them things in my brain can go very wrong. I didn't really notice a change in my symptoms of the drugs, actually, though by that point I may have been too far gone to really be able to tell the difference.

The first day I went back on the Zyprexa, I was out at Starbucks with a friend. It was raining. I was so sedated -that's how they work you see- that I sat in a comfy chair and stared out the window across from me at a canvas umbrella outside; the rain rolled down drop by drop, and every few seconds two or three little drops would join into one. I was mesmerized by this! All day, I was ready to sleep and in fact fell asleep in my friend's car and again at the bookstore. Funny thing was that employee joked with my friend about what boring company he was!

The Road to Mania Part 4/Mania I has it

9-24-12

I'm back from my T. She said the last two weeks- wanting sex with friends, can't be bothered to eat, need to run everywhere, losing friends left and right, etc.- I've been manic. There's a first. Usually its "hypo". Meds seem to be okay, though today I'm all about tactile. How stuff feels- wind, metal, cement. I thought about flying off a balcony to feel the nothingness between me and the floor two stories below. I played "screamo" rock in the car and felt the vibrations all around me as I drove on the way over here- watched the images in the rearview mirror distort all around. I'm waiting to hear from Pdoc about med changes. Talked about when to go to PER. Not yet I guess. I'm still not clear on that. People are asking how I am. I'm still not me. I love this and I hate it. And I am a slave to the meds. An addict. My brain NEEDS the meds.

I'm just sitting at starbucks now. Want a nap but can't be bothered. Too awake. Naps suck anyway. Your body clock gets messed up. That is, unless you're sick with strep or something and then they're cool. You just sleep all day and all night and not give a ****.

Yes. I try not to sleep in the day. But at least I'm a bit more relaxed. I don't think mania necessarily means hyper- its just means over-the-top and your perceptions are very askew.

Oh and of course my old T used up a ton of my appointments talking about 'Him" and now I'm short on appointments for the rest of the year! It happens every freakin year!

My new t is good. Old t annoyed me.

9-26-12

Link to description of bipolar states.

The Road to Mania Part 3

Continued...

9-14-12

I just took my nightly brisk walk and am relaxed.

My youngest just put his head in my belly and said "it's like a Tempurpedic" lol

9-15-12

I went out with "him" and his daughter taking pix. Was nice. Odd though. I still know him very well and he knows it. His daughter and I still get along very well. My head hurts but I feel fine. Calm.

Oh yes I did sleep last night.

Yeah it was just odd being with "him" but his daughter was cool. He was just extra pensive about his morals. Lol I had told him his morals are low. Lmao. Busy for saying what you think!

Yeah I've had confused emotions about him so it's nothing new. I care for him enough not to kill him and not enough to go to prison over

My head hurts. I had a migraine, I took Tylenol and now it's back. Can't take normal migraine meds on Coumadin. Ugh.

Tried coffee and tylenol. A dr told me that that would help once. Still in pain. I hope going to sleep will cure it. What a day.

9-16-12

I went to the ER. They gave me an anti nausea and a mega dose of benedryl. Odly enough it worked! But that much benedryl made me really loopy. I slept a while there but odd to sleep without cpap. Home now. Referral to neurologist. Geeze I have a lot of drs visits lately. I think the benedryl killed the bouncies. At least for now. Goodnight!

Took the double Zyprexa when I got home. Zzzz.....

Now what do I do? My sleep is backwards.

It's because I was up all night and then took Zyprexa which made me extra sleepy.

9-17-12

Now I feel up and lots of thoughts but tired. UGH! Supposed to see a neurologist about migraines. Maybe they'll scan my brain for bp stuff. lol

I was just looking on craigslist for jobs. Reading what they want, doesn't seem I have enough focus right now to do any of that. Though I was doing okay taking photos. Would love to apprentice photography.

Continued in part 4...

The Road to Mania Part 2

Continued...

9-12-12

I dunno if it will help. :/ I dunno if I didn't make this all up.

Still up. If I turn off the tv I'll just be restless. T always said that having tv on keeps you up. Staring at the dark is boring!

Texting about buying a tank for my son.

So just a med adjustment ??? I took my meds tonight...

Awake. Headache.

Yes the water was pleasureful.

I'm still researching the tanks. It would cost me at least 100$ to set it up plus the fish. I'd need sand too.

I think I might stay up all night. My head hurts but is getting better. Watching tv.

I actually slept. Going back. Feel good except I woke up holding my cpap mask. Oops

9-13-12

Irritated at idiot. Saw regular dr about ER. That was stupid. Asked me stupid questions and wasted my time. Stupid asshole.

I can't decide whether or not to call pdoc.

I am tired but I can't stop going. Irritated by fork scraping noise in the next room....

Tomorrow is Friday.

Heart pounding. Need to buy food for cat. Maybe I can takey youngest out to do that in an hour or so.

I got the cat food. He is good for a month now. Vi bought the rest of that type of food. Lol. What was that saying? Lol Everybody irritates me. The people at the store were in my way and too slow. I want there to be one person in the store- and that one person to serve me.

I can't be bothered to finish even a piece of cheese. Lol

Mixed usually feels like I need to jump outta my skin. I'm really racing right now. Surprised I can wait for this iPods slow typing.

Ok gotta move. Sitting here isn't working.

Went on another walk. I might crash...

I was reading online. Sounds like mania.

My head hurts and my body is exhausted although my mind still races. I'm in my room in bed with the tv on.Still in my room. Head hurts.

I sent my notes of how I've been feeling to my friend. He said I'm manic.

Someone else blocked me in fb because I made an anatomical comparison. Shows you that people take things too personally. I have a headache and I'm still up. No friends left except on here. Another friend gone....

Geeze another friend gone...Now I'm crying

He says I worry too much. I only started worrying tonight.

Feel better from the conversation but my head still hurts. I'll see what pdoc has to say- if she calls back before 5.

9-14-12

Up early.

I called. The person on the phone said shed mark it a high priority. The nurse called me. Waiting on pdoc to call.

Hungry! Maybe I should do something about that.

Still waiting! Out at lunch. No sympathy or patience for anyone. Bouncy bouncy.... I am thinking I'm no different . So I don't need meds. I want to be a natural me. I was ok before. I was. I'm sitting n talking to friends ok.

I feel ok now.

I think I can do this.

Nothing bothers me. This is great.

Stuff smells off though. Yuck. Could barely eat lunch.

She hasn't called back.

Three hours left for her to call back.

I feel fine. Going to the movies soon.

She called. Doesn't think it's mania. Wants me to double Zyprexa for the weekend. Ugh. I will be a zombie.

I think I've made a mistake in telling her. I feel fine. Nobody close to me has said anything.

Continued in Part 3... CONTINUED in part 3....

The Road to Mania Part 1

The following are posts from when I was recently manic.(Starting Sept. 11, 2012.) This should give you a better idea of how it feels. Every new paragraph is a new post. Date changes are denoted in italics. In the last post, there is a link that nicely describes the various states of bipolar. About a week an a half after this blog ends, I was upped on my medications. They did stop working and then I quite taking them. One more post on that to follow.

09-11-2012

Heading toward out of control

My brain wants to leave. I still "pass" for well. I just am easily triggered by emotions, sights and sounds. I want to leave. My T says I shouldn't but I can't help it. I am losing my friends and yet making more ones. I'll at ease, and ramped up yet all things are nuanced. Oh help. Let me melt into the wonderful song that is life.

I want to run. Cry. Dash through the spaces between my thoughts, like a grove of intangible trees. Nothing is real except the me I see in me that wants to be free.

I have no idea.

I want to fly untouched over everything that is bad or good inside or out. My grove is barely there, ensconced only by the love of my children. The running goes faster and flying is all I have left. Untouched. Just me. I don't recognize myself. I am a new me. I am alone. The world is now gone. I am so much me that I am now gone too. All gone. And the nothingness is all nothingness is all nothingness.

Dark, I don't feel right. I just don't. Dunno what to do. I don't think my blood thinners affect my lithium or Zyprexa.

Was paranoid this morning too.

I was feeling that people were out to get me. That they're after me or to do bad things to me.

I called the pharmacy. No interactions between warfarin and lithium or Zyprexa. Hmmm.

Last week I was feeling like everybody was too slow. I told my pdoc and she didn't think much of it.

I took a walk around the block a million times. Feel a little better

Yes I walked fast. :-)

Should I call my dr? Or is this just a bit of poetry?

The guy I was talking to a for a week on eharmony talked to me on Skype today. Then he decided it was too far to drive. Oh well.

Lol bipolar eharmony. I met a guy who is bipolar in Facebook. We went out a couple times. I dunno if I need the responsibility of a bipolar guy.

Paranoia no psychosis. The poety is just where my mind is- not the fact that I wrote it. So I am trying to mark where it may be going. I feel better after posting here.

I'm wondering if I should call the pdoc. I guess I'll see how tomorrow goes. I still feel paranoid that my mother is in a mode to destroy us. She is evil and I want to kill her so she can't be evil anymore. But oh no if I say that that will go in my file so best to keep it to myself.

Watching tv. Crossing fingers that this all just goes away.

9-12-12

So far so good. Just getting ready for the day.

At Starbucks. Waiting for a friend. Haven't called pdoc. Was gonna get my nails done but decided not to.

Don't feel better. Just reading things online> Just barely keeping myself from running around and I still NEED to talk and go and even if someone talks back I can't stand to wait for them to finish. When I walk its like I'm floating along. My feet don't even touch the floor. This computer is tethering me to the chair but I'm bouncing to music. Need need need need to SING! Don't wanna call pdoc. Don't wanna take more zyprexa. Don't wanna don't wanna. I'm not seeing things or hearing things and I've taken all my meds. I am WOUND UP WILD! I want hugs from everybody and to dance dance dance. If I keep taking my meds its all okay. Its all okay. It only my fault if I quit taking them. But I won't. I won't. They aren't working but I won't quit. I won't.

Its okay. I'm normal now.

THis is just part of my personality. You can't do surgery and remove part of me!

Ding dong merrily on high! YIppee skippy. Now reply to my post all ye minions!

hahahaha.....

Biscuits biscuits pick up truck. Say anything, you're in luck. Dumb dumb Dobby down. There's no need to ever frown. Yippity skipity let's go blue. Gets having a great day to you. Round and round the dong-dings go. Up on high- to and fro. I'm a dash, I'm a frown, won't you turn me upside down?

Mania? True mania?

Starbucks was good. I talked with my friend and used his laptop.

So I don't wanna call pdoc. I don't wanna do what I should. I keep fighting myself . Even my daughter commented. On something I said.

Ok I'm not manic. Just kidding. Yeah that's it. See? I'm standing still. Now dammit that I don't have anybody to have sex with ! Wonder what tomorrow brings.

What's not affectionate?

I don't follOw your point. Sex can be affectionate. I just have nobody to have it with.

I looked up hypomania and mania and it said the difference is psychosis of which I've had paranoia that my mom was plotting against me. She really is. They both do. They hate me and want me to attempt to kill them so I have to go to prison.

Blue I agree with you. I miss sex. Not only do I want it but I miss what I had.

Can only call per/pes at this point. They only care if I'm safe. Not the little details like creative writing and the ability to Bounce like tigger. Yeah I think they're after me but last time I told pes that they were and that my way to defend myself was to harpoon one of them, well they didn't take kindly and wrote it in my chart. Then my T told me I shouldn't have said anything!

It's not the mania. They just start listing everything they hate about me and my kids and then they are mean. In defense I can only want to rid myself of them and they know this so they are meaner and meaner on purpose and nobody on this planet can help me.

See? So am I paranoid or just defensive? Or is any of it true at all? I could be delusional.

Took another walk. Was ok. I might be able to sleep. I hope so because I have a drs appointment tomorrow about the ER visit and a blood draw.

Was snippy at someone. Yelled at them for trying to demand I do things- in a passive aggressive way. I will tear your head off.

Swimming far away, swimming through emotions - each distinct yet one piece... The jello that is my mind... All smooth. It is the only consistency in this world. Just miles of jello and me, moving and floating through life. I loves me and I am near suffocation . l. I can breathe on my own now, in this new womb, this love, I swim in its cool embrace ... All mania and sorrow combined and wrapping me in bliss.

Yes. Always need love. Some people are horrible at love. They don't understand bipolar so they run away when all I need when I'm feeling horrible in an episode is love. Jello womb love.

Yes. I see my regular dr tomorrow. Should I bring this up to pdoc or wait?

Continue to part 2... Continued in next post....