Fewer Meds! (Trip to See Friend)

I am now off Trazodone.  I am down to 50mg* for the Seroquel; I will stick with that for a week or two then try going without.  I DID sleep last night with this combinaton: No trazodone, 5 mg Haldol, and 50 mg Seroquel.  I'm amazed!  One must be tired enough to do this, I'm thinking.  Is my brain ironing itself out?  It seems to be.  (*Seroquel works as a sleep med at low doses.  For comparison, when I first started Seroquel, it was at 450/500 mg!)

I got my desktop computer to work, so I can type more easily and quickly.  I am also planning a trip to see a long-time friend (22 years).  That should be fun.  My only issue with navigating the airport.  But we are working on having someone that works at the airport go with me so I don't get lost.  (Drain Bammage.)

Withdrawal from trazodone

Imm shaking. My whole body. It wonnt stop. Its been doing this off and on since i changed my meds. But now i cant settle at all to sleep. I stopped trazodone cold turkey. Im wondering if thats it. So i took a dose to see. Waiting for it to kick in. Pdoc thought my hand shaking was due to haldol so she cut that in half. I suppose i need to call tomorrow. Hoping i can sleep tonight. I didnt know trazodone had withdrawal symptoms. Im still on seroquel 100. Stopping that cold turkey kept me wide awake! And yes pdoc told me to do that too! Ifeel better now.  The trazodone has kicked in.  I'd been off it for a week.  Aaahhh! Sleep!

Cacophony

I was just watching a show on youtube about scizophrenia. I could relate to quite a bit of what they described. But the one that struck me the mostwas the description of being in a crowded place - like a restaurant or concert venue- and not being able to filter it out; all the voices and klinking of utensils come at once and yet individually all screaming at me iin their own language. A cacophony of sound. It is overwhelming.

News! Not just bipolar

Today has been a good day.  I got up early and got a shower and took off for my med review with my nurse practitioner (aka "pdoc").  She lowered seroquel to whatever I want.  That is, I can break the 200's into 100's.  My haldol is reduced from 10 mg to 5.  Apparently, halfol is in short supply so they mostly have 5's. 

I'm sitting in Starbucks right now with a woman whom I met here several months ago.  She has lots of work to do because she's in school to be an occupational therapist.  I admire that she can keep the deluge of information organized in her brain.  Another friend is meeting us here in a little bit. 

I have been told by people that I should type more about my daily life rather than all the times I have serious issues: it makes it seem like I'm always in crisis which isn't true at all.  I have stable times- like now. 

Also, according to being weighed this morning I have lost weight!  That's great!  Really makes me happy since I felt stuck recently. 

I would really like to publish this blog as a book but Im not sure how I'd go about it.  There are nearly 450 posts! 

Lost

I had to find my way home after church because i parked in a lot with lots of construction. Google maps took me a crazy way home but I figured it out. N3 is at church- theyre having an out day- coffee shop, movie, lunch. So I have to go back to church to pick him up later. Only one person- the priest- asked me how I am. I havent been to choir in ages. I just said , "I have bipolar disorder..." And left it at that. I dont even know what my deal is. I just dont want to do anything. Id rather sleep. But once Im up i still dont want to be whereever I am. Right now Im at my mom's house and nobody knows Im here. I like nobody knowing where I am. I used to do that in my 20s- take off from work and "get lost". It was thrilling to me.

Want Hospitalization

I know im depressed now. I just cant do this. Today i came home to paperwork on my door from the landlord. I have two other sets to do. Im so overwhelmed!!! And now N3 missed piano AND play practice by refusing to go! Hes going to be fired from the play Im sure. This is the last week of rehearsals too.  hes just laying in bed and wont say more than one syllable words. Im at my wit's end!! My case manager said shed help me with the paperwork but so far she hasnt called me back. I want to go IP but that would probably make everything worse. I mean look at my ******* signature- all those episose close together! Im at a breaking point.



Most recent episodes:

Paranoia
(September, 2018)

Manic
(July\August, 2018)

Hypomanic
(July, 2018)

Psychotic
(June, 2018)

Manic
(September, 2016)

Schizoaffective Disorder - Finally

Just saw pdoc. We talked about a lot. But the upshot is she says Im hallucinating and paranoid outside a manic episode so she's decided I'm actually sza! Ive often thought this but she was so firmly determined that I was bp w\ psychosis I just dropped the subject. I know labels don't really matter but I feel like a puzzle piece that just fits better with sza than bipolar- even though they are close cousins. I have so often read descriptions of sza and thought "That's me!" but this is the second time someone has validated this.  It feels good!