My Last Manic Episode - My Theory

Been thinking that my last manic episode- April/May this year- may have been started by my best friend dying on April 2nd. It was a couple weeks later that I started haviing noticable symptoms of mania. From there it just got worse until I contacted my team and was drugged into submission with Seroquel.

Psychology Today: Robin Williams Bipolar

Not Depression But Bipolar- Robin Williams

Yup- we knew it: He was Bipolar!

(Text copied in case link dies.)

Not "Depression": Manic-Depression and Robin Williams

A deadly disease, whether we accept it or not

Posted Aug 13, 2014

Was it “depression” that killed Robin Williams, as most media reports say? Or depression mixed with alcohol and drugs.  But “depression” isn’t a diagnosis or a disease; like fever, it’s a set of symptoms that can happen in various diseases.

The disease was manic-depression, or bipolar illness, as some reportsacknowledge; depression occurred as part of that disease, and, in all likelihood, it led to Williams’ suicide. Alcohol and/or drugs may have precipitated the timing and the exact end, but the disease which afflicted him, over and over with repeated mood episodes, was manic-depression. 

article continues after advertisement

“Depression” is somewhat acceptable; manic-depression is still mostly taboo. Even mental health clinicians, including many on the PT site, downplay or denigrate it. 

But it exists; it provides great gifts; and it kills. 

The gifts: creativity in mania certainly helps comedians and actors;  the mind runs in a million different directions, and new and funny and smart ideas pour out.  Williams was a walking manic episode in many of his interviews and skits.  Sometimes a person can have mild to moderate manic symptoms all the time, as part of his or her personality, called “hyperthymic” temperament, the opposite of “dysthymic” temperament.  In keeping with the stigma and discrimination against bipolar illness, dysthymia is well-known and part of the DSM nosology; hyperthymia was never included in DSM systems, and is little known among mental health clinicians, much less the larger public.

Many persons with manic-depressive illness have hyperthymic temperament all the time – so they’re creative and productive and funny, and sometimes famous – and then they have repeated depressive episodes, usually lasting weeks to months, usually happening once a year or two – and, in about one in ten persons, leading to suicide.

So Robin Williams’ “depression” should be called what it was:  manic-depression. And we need to start taking this bipolar illness more seriously and respectfully, and acknowledging its existence, and treating it correctly –rather than misnaming it and mistreating it (as happens with “depression”, where antidepressants often worsen the bipolar illness, sometimes leading to suicide), or, worse, simply ignoring it. 

article continues after advertisement

Tragedy is sad if not preventable, but truly terrible when a cure exists, such as lithium, which is proven to prevent suicide in multiple gold-standard randomized studies.  And, more importantly, it is the ONLY medication proven to prevent suicide in randomized studies. 

The cure exists; the diagnosis can be made. The real tragedy is that we pretend the diagnosis doesn’t exist.  

Williams, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Amy Winehouse - and in the past, Kurt Cobain and others.  

The tragedies will never end –as with all medical tragedies, like the millions of women who died in childbirth for millennia – until scientific and medical professions take a disease seriously. Only then can it be identified - and cures given.  

An Unquiet Mind (By Kay Redfield Jamison)

I just finished it. My impressions: She is a remarkable writer- several $15 dollar words that I had to look up! That's unusual for me. She explained things that were in terms I could understand - maybe because Ive got "it", too? Her insistance of calling it "manic depressive illness"; she even goes on to explain why. To me, "manic depression" describes part of it- but there's so much MORE to it. Bipolar tells you there are at least two opposite ends of the disease but leaves room for all the little inbetween bits- such as delusions, hallucinations, and paranoia.  All in all, I loved the book. I have respect for her journey. Likely,  the best memoir I've read about bipolar. I am left with a feeling of hope and maybe I don't "need" to know what's "worse" than what I've already experienced in my life re bipolar.

Everybody Wants Me to Take My Meds

My liver doctor- even after he said my liver issues likely started with psych meds- told me to not stop taking my psych meds. That was last Wednesday. Today my mom told me to not stop them, too. Today he said I need a biopsy and I can be sedated if I want. I hope they don't use Ativan. I will need somebody to drive me. My mom even said I should take my meds because "we don't need that". Meh! I was upset today. I need a special diet and was told the diet clinic they want me to go to is $700 for 10 weeks!   The dr also told me that some of the tests say I have cihrrosis and some say I do not so I need a biopsy. All of this because I made the choice to take psych meds. Yup. They started this disaster. I wrote about this in my blog this past Spring of what COULD happen with references and yup! My liver doctor confirmed it this past Wednesday- psych meds cause obesity which causes metabolic syndrome which causes. fatty liver which causes cihrrosis. I found the metabolic syndrome diet online and it makes sense- hope to get rid of high blood pressure high cholesterol, pre-diabetes.... And everybody wants me to stay on the drugs that are destroying me! I spent part of today crying because I'm going to die an early death if I can't pull off a miracle here. And my doctors- primary and pdoc- just sat and watched it all happen.  I found a lot of info online about the metabolic diet- Its what they are teaching in that class.  I also left a message for my primary- maybe I can see a regular nutrition a few time- I know my insurance will cover that.

Maybe it's Too Late

I want to wean off Seroquel- im only on 150 as it is. Same goes for the 2.5 of Haldol and 3 of Rexulti. If I'm gonna die soon so be it but why add fuel to the fire? Maybe the damage has been done and its too late

Antipsychotics killing me!

I am so sick of this whole thing. I want off all psych drugs! They can treat me in the psych hospital but maintenance drugs? Nope. Im also sick of feeling inferior with my "bad brain". This is not who I was supposed to be! Sick! And I am more afraid of liver failure than I am of mania. But we are talking YEARS of cumulative damage!! The doctors tried not to scare me today but fatty liver has turned to some hardening! And they added STAT same DAY tests- ultrasound and another scan test. What's next? Cirrhosis- THAT'S what!

Bipolar is a physical illness- original study!

https://www.nature.com/articles/mp201773

Original Article!  (Click for full study.)

Abstract:  Despite decades of research, the pathophysiology of bipolar disorder (BD) is still not well understood. Structural brain differences have been associated with BD, but results from neuroimaging studies have been inconsistent. To address this, we performed the largest study to date of cortical gray matter thickness and surface area measures from brain magnetic resonance imaging scans of 6503 individuals including 1837 unrelated adults with BD and 2582 unrelated healthy controls for group differences while also examining the effects of commonly prescribed medications, age of illness onset, history of psychosis, mood state, age and sex differences on cortical regions. In BD, cortical gray matter was thinner in frontal, temporal and parietal regions of both brain hemispheres. BD had the strongest effects on left pars opercularis (Cohen’s d=−0.293; P=1.71 × 10−21), left fusiform gyrus (d=−0.288; P=8.25 × 10−21) and left rostral middle frontal cortex (d=−0.276; P=2.99 × 10−19). Longer duration of illness (after accounting for age at the time of scanning) was associated with reduced cortical thickness in frontal, medial parietal and occipital regions. We found that several commonly prescribed medications, including lithium, antiepileptic and antipsychotic treatment showed significant associations with cortical thickness and surface area, even after accounting for patients who received multiple medications. We found evidence of reduced cortical surface area associated with a history of psychosis but no associations with mood state at the time of scanning. Our analysis revealed previously undetected associations and provides an extensive analysis of potential confounding variables in neuroimaging studies of BD.