Delusions & Paranoia

Everyone's heard a friend exclaim "You're delusional!" in the heat of an argument. Just like the world psychotic, "delusional" often gets misused by the general public. (Psychotic just means you are hallucinating, not that you are a serial killer!)

Delusions often go along with hallucinations, but they don't have to. In fact, delusions are often more dangerous than hallucinations! When you are in a delusional state, your sense of how the world is supposed to work is "off". Its not working correctly. Anything could happen, in your mind. Pink giraffes could go flying by and you wouldn't think twice. There have been times, when I thought people are out to get me- to kill me, no less! I was completely convinced of this and was taking preparations to protect myself- completely in the fight-or-flight mode.

One case was when I was out and about shopping. I don't remember if I'd actually bought anything that day, but it was a snowy, winter day. I'd pulled in to park my red van next to a big work van, complete with ladders on the top. I had a bit of trouble parking and thought I'd parked too closely to the them. When I came out of the store later, the van was gone. So I went on my way, stopping at Starbucks. Looking out the window, I saw the van again! It was inching past behind my van. I was sure they were reading my license plate and taking it down to sue me! So I got in my car and left again. I got to an intersection, and saw them again! This time, I knew they were after me. My heart was racing. I had to get away! I was going to be in huge trouble! I finally stopped my car and called my psychiatrist who called back fairly quickly. She assured me that nobody was after me. It took a bit of time to talk me down into believing her. I said, "Yes, but..." and "I know, but..." This is a true delusion: believing something in the face of facts to the contrary. Its still every bit as scary as if these things were true and it sometimes goes along with hallucinations-hearing or seeing things that aren't there-, which can be part of belief that something is after you, too. This is why delusions are often times paired with hallucinations, when patients are psychotic. As I said, above, psychotic does not mean that you are Norman Bates, but it does mean that your sense of reality is askew and you need some help. These things can happen while on anti-psychotics, but I don't know if they are prescribed specifically to combat them. I would think so. I also think that you can be delusional and paranoid at the same time- the fear builds and when the "rules of the world" are distorted, you can very easily think people are after you or going to kill you. It is a scary place to be, and one which I hope to not be again any time soon.

Light, Anti-Depressants and Mania

Its the time of year where I get manic. This may, in part, be due to the change in the quality of light. The angle of the sun changes, in addition to less light every day. I feel like the type of light changes. My psych doctor suggested a natural light box. I still think it might make me manic because it helps depressed people, but I'm going to give it a shot. My friend has one that he will give me. I don't know how to use it except to sit by it for a little bit every day. I think I'll just have it in my room and have it on next to me while I watch t.v. Last Fall, as I've said, I had a manic episode and my inpatient stay. Some of this, I think, had to do with the light.

As a side note, other things which make me manic are anti-depressants. The last time I was on one, I couldn't sit still for anything. I HAD to move and talk and walk in circles. My friend that I'd called who has a doctoral degree in behavioral pharmacology laughed at me as we talked on the phone. He did agree that it was the Celexa doing that to me. This is why I'm wondering if the light has an effect on the same part of the brain as an anti-depressant. I guess we shall see.

Five Hallucinations I Didn't Write About Yet

There are a few times I've hallucinated that I haven't written about. Mostly because I didn't have this blog when they happened, but also because I just missed writing it down. So here are a few that I'm writing about retrospectively. They probably won't be as colorful as they would've been had I written them at the time, but I'll try.

Maybe a year and a half ago, now, I was having a stressful day. I remember being in the car parked outside a friend's house, ready to leave, talking on the phone to my ex husband. I don't know what we were talking about, but it got me quite worked up. That night, I went home, and I actually felt "fine". I felt calm and okay. I had forgotten about the conversation and was minding my own business in my bedroom. The tv was off. The record player just sat there mute. The box to the cable tv, however, began to glow. The red and blue indicator lights were more like eyes looking back at me. All around me, I heard jazz music! Clear, detailed, music with many parts, including a muted trumpet. It was as if someone had turned on the radio. But the tv box could not and cannot play music. The record player was further away and it still was unplugged. I sat and just listened from about three feet away on my bed. I wanted to write the music down. If ONLY I was better at transcription! And yet, I knew in my mind that as real as this music was, it was my brain doing this. It was my BRAIN making the hallucination of detailed, beautiful jazz music OUTSIDE my head! I kept sitting and listening- staring at the box, which still stared back with its mismatched eyes. Soon, it began to talk to me. It said how horrible I was. It told me to "look at me!" and to "pay attention to me!" All commands and ALL very demanding and sinister. I ignored it, knowing it was just a box and it couldn't hurt me, even though it was talking to me. After a little while, I got bored of the box's demands, and got up. When I did, I saw the box melt, Dali-style, over the table it was on. I left the room and went downstairs. When I got back to my room, it had reset itself back to normal. No more demands, no more music, and no more melting.

Two years ago now, I was working at a factory as a temporary worker. The floor was a typical factory- big, dirty, and loud. You couldn't hear someone talk out there unless they were right up in your ear. This particular day, I had gone to the bathroom just off the floor. In there it was quiet as the offices that were adjacent were empty for the evening. Just as I was about to leave the small bathroom, I heard a woman's voice say something to me. Then there was a man's voice right after. I didn't need to look around: there obviously wasn't anyone there. I continued back to my station out on the floor and just as I got there, I heard another voice say something to me, this time a woman. Now I KNEW I was hallucinating, as I would DEFINITELY see someone talking to me to be able to hear them out there. They didn't scare me as they weren't saying anything derogatory, but I did take note. My feeling at the time was that I was over-worked.

The last time was also the most recent. I was at a doctor's appointment, but in an office I don't usually go to. As I waited to go in, I heard music playing. Just the usual muzak you hear quietly over the speakers in an office. I didn't think anything of it. It played the whole time I was there. When I left, to go to the pharmacy, something got to me that this wasn't quiet right, so I went back to the office. No music. I asked the office staff about it. No, they said, they didn't have any music playing, and in fact, the music system had been broken for quite some time! There was, however, someone at a back desk with a radio on low, but it was doubtful, they said, that I could hear it- and I couldn't. The music had been "louder" than that, anyway!

I had been sitting in a coffee shop with a good friend. The "bar" table was up against a wall of windows. As I sat and drank my mocha, I stared at the parking lot. In front of me was a yellow beetle- a fairly new car, at that. All at once, it began to slowly melt. First, its left side headlight, SQUOOSH! Then, it slowly sprung back to normal. Then other parts followed suit, almost slyly. Then it would sit there, staring, solid as anything withe the cold winter light reflecting off it. That was the end of that entertainment!

One I'd forgotten, is one I had before I was diagnosed as bipolar. I had been wandering around the block in my neighborhood. The world was hyper-real. All the colors were very vivid. The flowers were bright pink and purple. I felt detached from reality, like I was floating along. As a turned the corner, I saw a little girl walk up to a porch alone. I thought she was going to enter the house, but she had no time to. Nor did she have time to start walking down the sidewalk. She simply walked up to the door- and disappeared! (There was nobody else around. And I don't believe this was a "ghost".) I now know that this episode is called "derealization", but this was the episode that made me seek help from a doctor, as I recall. In fact, the first doctor I saw, was not mine, but someone else in that same office and he diagnosed me with premenstrual dysphoric disorder! (Otherwise known as "PMDD".) Even after I was referred to a psychiatrist's office, they were reluctant to diagnose me with bipolar for sure, for at least six months, I think. Over time, though, my symptoms have consistently shown that I'm bipolar 1 and that is what's in my record.

The Jumbled Boxed Car Line-Up

Last night I went to the store in my pajamas. No, I wasn't delirious, nor did I have a fever of 104 and was going out for an important script. I was getting some hot-oil treatment for my hair. For at least a week, I hadn't been able to brush my hair - at all. I'd just been putting it up in a pony tail when it was wet, because it was matted like dreadlocks but in balls. When I could brush it, it would fall out it great fistfulls. (In fact, it still does!) I used the oil on my hair, and lo and behold, I could brush my hair, and although it still fell out, it felt so much better.

The first psych drug I went on for bipolar was a pill called Depakote. It had a side effect of weight gain. I remember sitting there- the thin me- looking at the bottle as I took out my first pill and swallowed it, thinking about how my doctor had told me about this side effect. After a year or so, I switched to Lithium because of the weight I'd gained. I thought it was an even trade off. And of the most part, it has been. However, there have been other negative side effects to lithium.

A few days ago, I had been to my primary care doctor for a check up. She had done blood work that said my thyroid was low. That's not new news, but its just a lot lower than it had been. Why is my thyroid level low? Lithium! So I take the Lithium for my bipolar, and my thyroid gets low. What else does low thyroid do to you besides dry falling-out hair? It lowers your metabolism and raises your cholesterol! Guess what else my doctor said I need to do? Exercise! Well guess what doc, I'm ahead of you on that one, though now I'm wondering if I'm actually going to lose weight doing it. So THEN, she tells me, of course, that my triglycerides are too high. Yes, low thyroid does that, but guess what else is famous for doing that? Zyprexa! Zyprexa also changes your metabolism so that its very easy to save fat and very difficult to lose it. My doctor then suggested that I might have diabetes- because I'm so fat, of course. The test came back negative, though. It just feels like I'm falling apart.

So here we are with a line-up of box cars on a train. One drug has side effects and into another and so does another until you find yourself on a train that's speeding along where the cars are crashing into each other and threatening to fall off the tracks. Why not just stop the train and remove the engine?

It's That Time of Year. Why Can't My Psych. Dr. See This?

So its that time of year. Fall. That means mania may be around the corner. My pdoc suggested I get a light box. (I have heard they are very expensive. Even if not, I have read that they can trigger mania in some bipolar people.) The last time I saw her, she was pretty dismissive of what I thought I needed. She seemed to list off things and not take my feelings into consideration. She ticked off things onto her notepad and it wasn't so much of a conversation as a pat-answer back-and-forth. I did ask her about disability for a letter for my lawyer and she just gave me the run-around and said there is a committee for that and that she cannot write a letter as its against what is good for me: i.e. to get me better. What a bunch of hoooie! I understand wanting to not write me off as sick forever, but if I have issues with working I have issues with working. That doesn't mean that I'm a dead-beat.

Meanwhile, I am down to my last two or so appointments left for the year and I'd really like to see my therapist, but who knows what October and November will bring. Last year, I was hospitalized in November for a week. My pdoc said that was from the Saphris and I agree that that didn't help, but I think it was the last straw- a big last straw. The year before, I had had hallucinations and some other odd sensations at work in October or November, too. Simply telling me to sit under a light feels like writing me off.

I will be bipolar forever. Why can't my pdoc see this? One needs to only read my entries from November 2012 to see the way my brain works and that this is not conducive to work.

Moving On to Happy Days Ahead

Here I am sitting at Starbucks with one of my best friends. He's letting me use his second laptop so I figured I'd take advantage and make a blog post as doing so on my phone is really difficult. The iced coffee I'm drinking is making me a little bit buzzed.

I've joined a dating site in the last week. I've been on two dates. Both were failures. Neither one called me after. I figured so much the better. If there's something they can't deal with about me after an hour or two, then buh-bye. I'm not changing who I am! I'll be polite and cheerful on a first date, but I won't be someone I'm not.

Meanwhile, I have found a new friend! He and I met online through a mutual acquaintance. When we talk, its the circuits lighting up and both of us saying, "Me, too!" and "I really like you!" and he told me he looks forward to seeing my signed-in light on when get gets online. What a way to warm my heart! He's about my age. Its so nice. He calls me "Honey Bunny" and "LUV YOU!" He lives in Georgia, though, but we want to find a way to at least meet. So fun to meet a kindred spirit. He has his issues and I have mine but none of that seems to matter. In fact, we've traded blog addresses and I don't think any less of him and vise versa.

I've gone back to the gym. I know I started back in January and then I slacked off. I've gone back and need to try to keep going. I want to lose weight for this supposed Disney World trip we're going on. I just want to feel better for it. Not to mention all the pictures!

I've also had to file for bankruptcy. Its really depressing! I got a job, too, and had to decline it. How sad! But that's what my lawyer said to do. I wish it were all over already, but there's still so much paperwork to do and its going to take four months anyway. Yes, I know that bipolar people are known to have financial difficulties but I really made a mess. I just cannot WAIT until this is over with. At least I bit the bullet and got it started. The lawyer thinks I have a good case. It won't be easy, but then again, it doesn't seem to be the most complicated case, either, considering all the check boxes I DON'T have to do. The subject has made me feel anxious, but I think the lawyer is nice, so that's something. I can't believe I've made such a mess!

Fall is coming up. That means my kids' birthdays, but it also means that seems to be when I have my worst mood issues. Granted, last year (in November), it seems to have been because of the Saphris setting things off and then my going to the psych. hospital. I am supposed to be saving my appointments for just such a possible occasion, but we shall see. I have one in less than a week, at any rate. I need to talk with her re: my lawyer, too. I have been pretty stable lately, but this bankruptcy thing has made me pretty anxious. My lawyer said it will be better to go forward than to not, but who knows if he just wants the money, you know?

So I feel pretty darned stable, just anxious about this whole bankruptcy thing. I just want it over with. I know that means that I need to get on with finding and filling out paperwork. There WILL be happy days ahead! Meantime, my friends are with me. Letting those go who are not meant to be.

Speaking of, my merry-go-round has stopped. He stopped it. Just less than a week ago. Its over. He just doesn't love me. So I am wasting my time loving him. In fact, he got off the merry-go-round mid-ride and stopped it. C'est fini. I should be much more sad, but as you have read here, this has been coming for nearly a year, sad song and all.

Into the Wind

I've been pretty stable, I think, lately. Haven't updated because of this. I got a new med provider. I started getting pretty bad shaking of my hands, though, maybe from Topomax which I've been on since I was in the hospital in November. It comes and goes. (Or more likely Lithium.) Happens when I am holding something- lots of times that's food. As we move into Fall, I need to be careful to watch how I am feeling, as this is when I have had my manic episodes.

So I am back to this post again. Its changed, however. While there is still some of the wistfulness that went along with the original post, there is a crumbling happening. Paper-like pieces falling, bit, by bit, until one day, you sit down to see the both of you, tattered remains of what you once were- of what you once thought you were- and of what you keep trying to be. The merry-go-round I've mention several times before has stopped, basically. It still turns a bit now and then, but mostly, we're sitting on it looking at each other, holding on, even though there is no need. "I dream gently of time. This is what my heart wants, my heart that is sad without love." A gentle sadness, that will eventually float away with the paper-like pieces, into the wind, and into time.