So Much For Mania

I am sitting eating my second meal for the day: granola cereal. I took my eldest to his yearly dr checkup this morning. All is fine. We even went out to eat after. So why do I feel anxious? I have visions of not onĺy impaling myself but of downright just killing myself anyway I can. So much for mania. The music my son is playing is grating on my nerves. Where are the knives? I took a nap in Starbucks earlier. Time flew by. My eldest says he's lost weight since going off Risperdal. That's good. I'm never going off Zyprexa. Even by accident seems to create havoc.

Lately, I feel like I am no good at anything. That I'm lost in a loop of unproductivity. Look at how wonderful my sister's life is! And look at me. I suck. For as nice as I am to people, I still suck. Nobody seems to want me. Sometimes people say that I'm great, but I want to hear that more and from more people, I guess.

I'd like to publish what I've written here, but it seems such a long-shot.

I feel like my left-over migraine is part of this. I should take a pill for it just in case. I've tried a nap, coffee and food, now drugs. I should've gotten my blood drawn today, too, and I forgot again!

I want to hide away somewhere. There are too many things going on. I can't filter them out. Too much guitar. Too much YouTube. Too much someone on the phone. Too many complaining people. I must get out of here. But how? Fly? Fun? Or just walk? Noise overload!!!

It's now six hours later and I'm feeling like taking Benedryl and ativan at the same time. I can't stand this feeling scratching and knawing at my insides. Earlier, I heard a helecoptor go very close over the the house and I thought they were landing for me! It doesn't help that in amongst all this, the "Cylandrical Sex Seconds" person finally ended our relationship. That sounds so final, but I've said that how many times and its never over. I'm more "meh" about the relationship being over, but then I think about it and it has been whiddling down to almost nothing for over a year now. Back to the feeling, it just won't go away. A friend suggested that I call the psych ER but eh, I don't feel like it. So much for mania. Which it were back. This sucks.

I broke down and took ativan. I hope it helps me calm down. The knawing feeling sucks. Its like a creature is trying to knaw its way out of my body. If it doesn't work, I will try Benedryl. Few minutes later: tried Benedryl. Feeling better. Don't care if its not pollitically correct.