Hyper-Aware: Hypo Mania & Mania

This morning, I had some coffee and then went to the gym. About half an hour into my workout, I felt dizzy so I quit and got my shower. I then had a protein bar. I felt better. I think I didn't eat enough before working out. Now, I'm at Starbucks and had a chocolate banana smoothie with protein powder and two shots of espresso. I got cold, so I went out to the car for a sweatshirt. As I walked, I felt the familiar feeling of gliding across the ground: almost as if I wasn't touching the ground at all. I was near flying! Moving through space quickly, gliding, sliding. It felt good! I am aware of every part of my body- hyper-aware of my arms, my legs, my feet, how my clothes are laying against my body... Am I hypo manic? Is it from the coffee? I don't know that it can hit me that quickly. I'm used to drinking coffee, too. I guess I will see if it wears off in an hour or so. Yesterday, I got my hair cut along with my youngest son's. I then bought some shampoo and conditioner and leave-in conditioner, took my son out to lunch, paid my phone bill, and various other things. Is this hypo manic spending? (I rarely get my hair cut, but hey, it does look nice!)

So its always at this point that I ask myself, "Can't I just pretend everything is normal?" Yes, I can. I can still sit here, looking normal, talking to people, typing into this laptop. I suppose its after a while that I cross into mania that I can no longer pass for "normal". Last year when I was manic, I had no more control. I had no filter left, and just said what was on my mind, getting many friends angry with me. I had to run around to get rid of the excess energy I had. I had the gliding feeling, yes. And, no, I haven't been using that daylight lamp that my friend gave me because its broken. It never worked in the first place. So much for that. Plan B.

Its a buzzing feeling- inside my head mostly. Physically, inside my head. The thing about hypo mania is that it feels good. Mania doesn't. Mania is more of an anxiety on top of extreme restlessness on top of not being able to think straight anymore. Its a pressured feeling: I HAVE to run, I HAVE to have sex, I HAVE to keep talking non-stop, even if it doesn't make any sense. Mania is out-of-control! Mania is the rules of the world not only don't apply to you anymore, but they are just GONE! With both, your senses become hyper-aware, but more so with mania. Its like a movie where they try to show what an acid trip is like, but here, its every sense that is involved, not just sight. Last time I was manic, I remember running my fingers along the mortar between bricks inside the doctor's office building, and finding it simply exquisite. Something as simple as running a fork along your lip can be almost sexual. Your senses are all turned up to full volume. At the same time, sitting in a restaurant full of people can be torture, as you can no longer filter out the background noise: every single conversation comes through loud and clear, baring down, drilling into your head, pushing against your body, and not a one of them cares that you want to jump out of your skin because of them and will shut up!

Speaking of the gym, I think working out has been helping my mood. I feel good after- clean and happy. I'm hoping that I'll lose some of this Zyprexa/thyroid weight, too.