Annual Recertification

 Today was my phone call from my case manager for my yearly whatever-it-is.  She asked me how much my symptoms have been bothering me lately and when the last time I have been hospitalized.  Then she looked it up and told me it was 2016.  She kept asking questions and the more she did the more I felt like I was defending my illness.  Like I had to PROVE that I haven't miraculously become healed since last year!  She asked how do I deal with my suicidal thoughts.  I told her I still have depression anxiety and mania.  Again, it felt like I was digging for symptoms and that I was almost lying- just because I felt I was taking an exam and in danger of failing with each new query.  She said my last hospitalization was 2016.  And I said that there have been times since then when my pdoc wanted to hospitalize me but. Didn't because she wanted to see if she could fix it herself!  This conversation lasted over an hour!  I felt I was on trial.  I remember doing this same interview last year in person with my old case manager and it seemed simple.  She asked about my money situation, was I on section 8, and food stamps, and SSI and such.  Felt humiliating!  Even though I depend on these things, just talking about them made me feel uneasy that they were going to be taken away!  So now I feel anxious.  I feel like things are better now that I've moved and she picked up on this and asked me if that were true and I said yes in the last few months things have gotten a little easier.  Still I'm left feeling like they won't accept me to receive services at the community mental heal services building anymore.  Last time I did this- last year- it was no big deal.  She asked who I go to when I'm feeling out of sorts and asked do I do crafts when I'm not feeling good and I said no I more listen to music.  And she pointed out that Im not in church choir anymore and I said its a matter of no in person rehearsals and all I have is zoom on my phone and I can't see/hear everyone I'm talking/singing with like that.  Plus Christopher got mad at me for not taking as many pictures as he does and that I have talent.  The truth is that I have no subjects.  No friends or family to take photos of what with covid.  Is that just an excuse?  Is this post just rambling?  Does it even make sense?