Pennies in the Mailbox

Ever since I began to drive at 16, I have had a problem with directions- how to navigate from one place to another.  That's not to say that I CAN'T get myself from place to place, but I am MUCH more comfortable going about it after 10 or so previous attempts at the same route.  Without a gps (or VERY simple directions- like, as my late friend used to say, "Take the road to the exit...."-) my mind implodes.

 Once, at about 33, I drove to Georgia in one feld swoop- no GPS!  I had directions and my flip phone to call my friend in case I needed help.  I made it there and back just fine as it was basically a "straight shot" all the way.  (I was also very likely manic.)

Today I was invited to go out with a friend.  She wants to meet at her new place.  As she texted me the directions, my mind disintegrated from a nicely woven hat to a pile of tangled string on the floor.  I had asked for a ride from someone else and I got a half-yes- there, not back.  My friend can't drive me home because she intends on drinking. 

I figure I can take an Uber of Lyft home.  Its expensive but worth not having my brain stickily melted over my person.   I can't do this anytime we want to get together though- way more than a few dollars!

Its pretty much always been this way.  When I was in 2nd grade and 7 or 8 years old, I had taken a few pennies off my teacher's desk.  I felt guilty after a while and at recess decided to confess.  The first person I saw was an adult.  I told her of my dilemma, needing to give my teacher something.  "You can put it in her mailbox," the adult advised.  "Oh great!" I thought to myself, getting increasingly more anxious as the seconds ticked by - looking across an empty field to the long dirt road behind it.  "I don't know where she lives!"  (This was many years before email- even  Prodigy- existed.)

This is the same empty, lost feeling I get when going somewhere new for the first time now 40 years later!  (Thank goodness for Uber!  They have saved the day at least 3 times in my life so far- this being the third time.)  Even using a gps, I have a feeling of unrest- of trepidation, of an underlying anxiety as houses, street signs, and constrection barrels whip by.  Any second, I could- no, WILL get lost.  Will I pass my destination and then be in no man's land?  Mostly, it shows up out of the blue- several houses from the actual address.

As it turned out, my friend Karen offered to take me home- and she DID!- at 11:30 p.m.!

Thank goodness for stranger teachers at school, friends, moms, gps's, flip phones, and cell towers and satellites.  Without them, I'd truely be lost - perpetually in that feeling of disaster at any minute, still staring out across that field worried about "mailboxes".

Diet and Exercise

Just laying on my bed feeling refreshed and relaxed after a shower. I walked 4 miles straight today with N3 (minus 2 5 minute breaks). I got up at 630. Wonderful to be up and out in the cool morning air! (So much better than sleeping till noon. Meh).  Trying to walk every other dayat least.  Changed my diet to no high fructose corn syrup or partially hydrogenated fats and very little refined sugar.  More fruits and vegetables and whole grains.  I'm slower than 15 years ago when I lost weight before but I'm hoping that "slowly but surely" wins for me this time.   If I eventually fit into my old gi maybe I'll rejoin judo.

People in the Walls

I was laying in bed not having slept yet, staring at the wall.  There were people living in the walls and they were coming to get me!  As these beings made their presence known,  I pulled the covers over my head for safety.  (Yes, in my late 40's this really happened.)  I called my pdoc at some point- don't remember when or how that came about- but she must've changed my medication.  As my friend Caleb would say, "That's, like, her job 'n' shit".

The walls were thick with life- of the essence of beings that could harm me.  How I got out of this now escapes me and although paranoia has visited me since, it mustve made a huge impression on my pdoc/NP- the last time she mentioned it, she commented, "You were really out there".  She has said more than once that I am one of her most difficult patients to treat.  A strange award that, on some level, I kind of like- It makes being me more interesting.

Today I Feel

.pissed that the new system ate my post and I have to rewrite it. I feel pissed that we took pix after the graduation and I look twice as big as I should- totally unflattering dress, totally unflattering body in general. Even before the photos, we were in the 2nd balcony in the front and my mind wandered to climbing over the railing.... falling to my death- or at least mangled dismemberment. We went out to eat after and I ate too much. Everyone was looking at me saying what a fat cow I am. Especially the bikers outside looking into the brightly lit table we were sitting at by the window. I'd rather be off seroquel again. I hate this. Last time I felt this way, I was hospitalized. And its my fault. All of it.