Sideways

Usually I feel great but today I feel anxious and intrusive thoughts have entered my mind at the thought of losing my health insurance. Didn't I just go through this a few weeks ago with DHS? I can't not take my meds. After church today, my ex-husband teased me about "You'd better get all the tests you can before your health insurance goes away,". He was referring to Trump cancelling- or severely paring down, I suppose- Medicaid. I think he's going to do it to Medicare, too, if I'm not mistaken. This has made me anxious. I know! Go use my blessed blanket, right? The weighted magical blanket that's supposed to cure anxiety. Well, I just might! I just dealt with my insurance maybe being cancelled a few weeks ago, and now this rumor is flying around like wild fire. If I have to go without my meds, serious shit is going to hit the fan. I don't want to know what I'm like off meds, and I'm sure the people who know me don't either. I know how I am with breakthrough symptoms- like hallucinations- on meds, I don't know what my brain would do with no meds at all. Destabilize is all I can think of.

I was feeling great yesterday, because I got up early and got new tires on my car. Then I got new jewelry for my nose and my lip. Now today, I'm feeling depressed and guilty for doing that, even though the car needed tires badly. I didn't need new jewelry. So up down up sideways (anxiety) down.... Plus, last time I paid the rent, I went out and had a check made out for what I thought the rent was (what it had been previously) plus a guess on my water bill. (Included at the same time as the rent.) When I got to the complex office, they told me I don't owe rent this month. (Section 8 paid it all.) But I already had the check and made out to the complex. So I just gave it to them figuring they'd give me a credit like they did another time. Now I'm worried that, even though they gave me a receipt, they'll take that credit and say it never existed. Sideways thinking? See? I'm not always on top of everything. I'm going to panera with my younger son in a bit. Maybe that will calm me down.