Fade Away

The last several days I think I've been depressed. All I've wanted to do is stay in bed- the majority of which I'm asleep. My dreams are vivid. When I'm awake, I post about wanting to die. So much so, that I scared the people on a bipolar bulletin board I belong to. I just wanted to fade away into nothing and never wake up. Then I'd describe the various ways that I could do that- mainly with various combinations of script and non-script pills.

I don't know if this is just a low following my mania, or if its unrelated. I'd love to be in bed right now. I sleep about 18 hours a day and don't get groggy after. I think I might put my pajamas back on. I can't be bothered to do laundry or get a shower. Its only 4:30 p.m. The title to my post on the board was "Black". That's how I felt. Like there is no color, only black. I wanted to take Ativan and Benedryl at the same time and maybe some burbon. Just to check out for a bit. Nothing permanant. No, I didn't call the psych ER. No, I didn't call my psych. Dr. I just am in a funk. I think posting on that board has kept me from doing any of these things because they'd post how concerned they were for me. Telling me I should call the psych ER. But I know that the psych ER might want me to come in and I can't do that because I have kids here I have to watch. I know. Doesn't make sense. Welcome to my brain.

No more hallucinations, except I did just think I saw the cat, again. He ran up the stairs and then wasn't there. Nothing like what happened on Saturday with the photograph of the girl and the coffee beans.

They can't put me on anti-depressants because they make me hypomanic and maybe manic. So I guess the only alternative is to up my zyprexa and who needs that?

I posted here because my friend G.V. said he hadn't seen any posts on my blog in a while so here is one. Sorry its a negative one.