Where to Go? My moods and Life

The last few days I've been feeling depressed about my life. Like a what-have-I-done-with-my-life. Where is it going? Every day is the same. Its never-ending and won't change. Its a rotten feeling. Its a negative feeling. Even some suicidal feelings. Then, some good feelings come in, like taking care of my kids. The juxtaposition of which are strange; they kind of cancel each other out, but at the same time they're still there. Yesterday, I went to my 11-year-old's piano recital. Watching him play was bliss! I've been trying to watch tv and hang out with my friends- the usual things I do to get my mind up a bit. But even these things feel rote and boring and a waste of my life. What really gets me is that my kids are getting older and when they get to be 18 then what? Will I still have no job? Will people still not want me? Or is the economy not wanting anybody? There's my photography, but I just don't know how to get it off the ground. I've read books, but it seems difficult. Maybe its my depressed brain telling me that. It needs to shut up. I see this gorgeous weather we've had lately of 80 degrees with sunshine and wind and while it is nice, it doesn't immediately change my mood. For some people, the weather does change their mood like that. Then again, what if I'm not depressed? I don't see my new pdoc until about three weeks from now. My appointments don't seem to be lining up with my moods these days. I wish I felt more up so I could get more done and feel a sense of accomplishment. I also seem to want to sleep a lot. Somewhat, maybe, to escape, but a lot because I'm tired. I do actually nap some days. I'm not today. Right now, I'm out at Starbucks with a friend. (He's the friend who takes me out to eat and to the psych ER or sometimes the regular ER. Good person!) I'm supposed to "activate", remember? I'm having some heartburn. Maybe my Prilosec isn't working. Or maybe I didn't fill the pill box correctly. The guy I write about regarding the merry-go-round said he's upset today and doesn't want to talk about it. Fine. I don't need anymore blah going on. Whatever it is, you'll tell me eventually. The friend who tells me how wonderful I am said we should plan a date to get together. That makes me happy. I could use a happy day with him. Haven't seen him since last June which was almost a year ago! That's too long! It would be at his place so I'd have to drive a few hours, but with a gps it shouldn't be too much of a problem. Its little things like visits with friends that make me happy. Looking forward to it!