Bipolar Terms

Even though I just said bipolar is often lumped as a list of terms, I'm going to put a few here so you know what I mean when I use them.

Bipolar gets its name from the two ends- or poles- of the emotional spectrum. It used to be called "manic depression", since the "really happy part" is mania, and the "really sad part" is depression. While correct, just thinking of bipolar this way is simplistic.

Bipolar even has two types: 1 and 2. I'll get into more detail later, but for now, its easy to think of bipolar 1 as the "classic" bipolar, with the very high highs and the low lows. Bipolar 2 doesn't get the high highs; they get the hypomania that I mentioned in my first post- its all the hyper, fun, racing, taking-chances, money-spending-without-a-care part of mania, before it all goes very UN-fun! Bipolar 2 seems to have more depressed episodes and its depression is often described as more severe than unipolar (regular) depression. What is certain: Both types of bipolar are equally as serious. Those with bipolar 2 are often told that since they don't get the mania or the hallucinations of bipolar 1, they aren't as bad off. This is not so!

What's in the middle between mania and depression? I'd like to think "remission!" Unfortunately, sometimes we can get what is called a "mixed state" where both mania and depression happen at the same time. This is one of the most dangerous states, as you can have the suicidal thoughts from depression PLUS the energy from the mania or hypomania to carry those thoughts out. What does it feel like? Its extreme agitation. Not restless, but rather like an electric buzzing inside where you don't HAVE to move (as in hypomania) but you can't stand to be in your own body! You are simultaneously in depression- negative thinking, sucicidality, crying- and this extremely intense agitation. In total, it feels HORRIBLE!

A rarely discussed state is one where you are thinking in one emotion and feeling another. For example, I once went to the bookstore and was walking around looking at movies and books feeling perfectly calm and rational, yet I could NOT stop crying for the life of me and had absolutely no idea where it came from! Yes, I know! When you're thinking sad thoughts, you cry. Not necessarily!

This is a BIT like a disassociative state. That's where you feel like you're outside your body. It can happen to anybody during times of stress and feels like you're not part of your body anymore Derealization is a bit like disassociating, but it feels like you are in a dream- that the world around you is not real, basically. I once walked around town in one or both of these states. I was in a movie, or a more like a lucid dream (where you know you're dreaming, if you've had one). Or maybe more like a tv show where the person is dead but nobody else can hear or see them. Could they see me? I'm sure. But it FELT as if they couldn't. That same day, I thought I could fly and almost attempted to climb over a balcony to do so. THIS, is a delusion. THIS is mania.

Mania only happens with bipolar 1. I have rarely exprienced it- I take my meds, but "breakthroughs" do happen!- but its basically like hypomania, but without the fun. During mania, people often to harmful things. Its not just drinking too much, its not just sleeping around, it can be screaming, scary hallucinations... its all of the "up" of hypomania but that's where it stops- its as if it all goes very BAD. That's the only way I can describe it right now. Hearing voices? Yup! I've had times when I'm in a room alone in the house. A voice says, "Hey!" Silence. I go back to doing what I was doing. "Hellooooo!" Silence. I ignore it. This can go on for several minutes. Sometimes the voices say more than just hello. Once, my tv reciever box started playing music and talking to me. It was commanding me to look at it and do various other things. The voice was tinny and it sounded like a radio that wasn't quite tuned in. (Common, I've heard.) I listened to what it had to say and texted my friend just exactly what that was. It was mostly commanding and deragatory- both of which I hear are more in the spectrum of schizophrenia, but both bipolar and schizophrenia are on the same "line", so they say- but I knew what was happening so I wasn't afraid. I was amazed, actually! That my brain could be doing all this! The voice and radio and music sounded absolutely as if they were in the room with me! (Unlike when you think of a song you like and "hear it" in your head.) Yes, I take antipsychotics now. But they are EVIL drugs! The side effects are HORRID. And not every drug works the same way for everybody, so there is a LOT of trial and error and a LOT of "non-compliance" among we bipolars. (That means we don't do what we're told- like take our meds! But YOU try them.) Geodon (means "down to Earth" hahahahaha!) made me feel like I had an atomic bomb inside me... or like a CT scan; both feel like a ton of radiation!) Others- like Zyprexa- make you gain a LOT of weight. It increases appetite and stores more fat that your body normally would, PLUS makes you very sleepy. Not nice! I've been on several other antipsychotics, like Risperdal, but that "only" made me lactate. So you see the choice we have to make: Have my brain function "normally" and feel crappy, or feel a bit up or a bit down- until REALLY "up" or REALLY "down" sends us to the Psychiatric Emergency Room.