Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Bipolar Meme
These "Memes" have been going around the internet on all different topics. I made these on bipolar.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Psychiatric ER
(This is a very graphic post. Just FYI.)
Many of us have been to the regular emergency room, but fewer have been to the Psych ER (PER), otherwise known as Psychiatric Emergency Services (PES).
Of the handful of times that I've gone, most have been talking to me and LOTS of waiting! (LOTS!) I've seen people in there with security waiting in the wings. I've seen people locked into rooms with those double, vertical rectangular windows. I've seen people refuse to cooperate in the least with the staff. And that's all while I was waiting!
Mostly what they do is see if you're a danger to yourself (self harm or suicide) or to others. They do a triage like in normal ER- they take vitals and then ask you why you're there, and then they have a laundry list of questions that they ask EVERYone. If you are there because you plan on harming yourself, they give you a special ID band that beeps if you try to leave. They pat you down and do a wand test to see if you have any weapons. You give up anything that beeps AND your purse or coat and it gets locked up. Then you wait.
Eventually, you see the nurse and then the doctor, resident, and/or student. They ask you why you're there again and let you describe how you're feeling. They're looking for clues that will tell them whether or not you need to be admitted.
Only once did they think I aught to be admitted. I have hesitated to write this post because its very personal. Its hard to admit to myself, and thinking of friends reading this gets me nervous. There is still so much stigma about mental illness- and especially bipolar. Even a friend today said that he thinks bipolar is a bunk diagnosis because "everybody gets happy and sad". I kept my mouth shut, for fear he'd think less of me suddenly. The time I was going to be admitted started at LEAST earlier that same day. I was feeling very stressed. Very out-of-it. I had taken my youngest son out to Toys R Us and felt derealization taking hold. The colors were different and the hallways seemed bigger. In short, I felt like I was in a dream. I realized (ha!) that I was having derealization while still at the toy store, but figured I could ignore it. We went out for ice cream. We got home and my mother said something to me and I snapped. I screamed at her, swearing, couldn't control myself. Another family member jumped up and charged at me. I fell on the floor sobbing. (So not like me.) I was gasping and sobbing and curled up in a ball on the floor screaming that I was going to kill myself. My mother suggested I go to the hospital.
I called a good friend of mine to drive me to the hospital. He has done this every time I've been to PER/PES. He sits with me the whole time I'm there- which can be over 24 hours on busy nights- and chats and jokes with me. That night, we went in. I was triaged and talked with people. Apparently, they saw something in my answers that made them want to admit me. I said, "What's that mean- I go and sleep there and talk with people and take meds?" They confirmed this. I told them I didn't want to go. I didn't. I just was thinking that I didn't have my CPAP machine with me (helps my sleep apnea), and really, I just wasn't thinking clearly! I saw it as a question of "Would you like to?" And who would like to stay in the psych hospital? Nobody! So I said, no I wouldn't. They never MADE me stay. What they did do is call my friend in and asked him if he thought I was okay to go home and he said yes. But he wasn't there when the above happened.
So for now, I can't tell you what its like in the psych ward. In fact, another time I went in a week later, they said that getting a spot is very difficult. You'd think its like people that go to the ER get admitted and go upstairs, but in reality people from all over the state are flown in or ambulanced in and you might end up in another hospital in another city. In fact, its extremely likely that you will.
So for now, let's hope I can't update this with what its like to be in the ward, or to have my ankles and wrists in leather straps on a hospital bed, or any other number of things that happen in the psych. ward.
Its very important to go to the psych. ER if you are having suicidal thoughts or even ideation. What I know is that being in that state where you scream that you want to die is not the usual you. You are as scared and confused as the people around you. You may not truly wish to die. Its a terribly brain state and is pervasive and extremely difficult to self-remedy. In fact, I would say that the psych emergency room is the best place to go. Safety first. And friends and family are IMMEASURABLY helpful when you can't tell up from down or left from right.
Many of us have been to the regular emergency room, but fewer have been to the Psych ER (PER), otherwise known as Psychiatric Emergency Services (PES).
Of the handful of times that I've gone, most have been talking to me and LOTS of waiting! (LOTS!) I've seen people in there with security waiting in the wings. I've seen people locked into rooms with those double, vertical rectangular windows. I've seen people refuse to cooperate in the least with the staff. And that's all while I was waiting!
Mostly what they do is see if you're a danger to yourself (self harm or suicide) or to others. They do a triage like in normal ER- they take vitals and then ask you why you're there, and then they have a laundry list of questions that they ask EVERYone. If you are there because you plan on harming yourself, they give you a special ID band that beeps if you try to leave. They pat you down and do a wand test to see if you have any weapons. You give up anything that beeps AND your purse or coat and it gets locked up. Then you wait.
Eventually, you see the nurse and then the doctor, resident, and/or student. They ask you why you're there again and let you describe how you're feeling. They're looking for clues that will tell them whether or not you need to be admitted.
Only once did they think I aught to be admitted. I have hesitated to write this post because its very personal. Its hard to admit to myself, and thinking of friends reading this gets me nervous. There is still so much stigma about mental illness- and especially bipolar. Even a friend today said that he thinks bipolar is a bunk diagnosis because "everybody gets happy and sad". I kept my mouth shut, for fear he'd think less of me suddenly. The time I was going to be admitted started at LEAST earlier that same day. I was feeling very stressed. Very out-of-it. I had taken my youngest son out to Toys R Us and felt derealization taking hold. The colors were different and the hallways seemed bigger. In short, I felt like I was in a dream. I realized (ha!) that I was having derealization while still at the toy store, but figured I could ignore it. We went out for ice cream. We got home and my mother said something to me and I snapped. I screamed at her, swearing, couldn't control myself. Another family member jumped up and charged at me. I fell on the floor sobbing. (So not like me.) I was gasping and sobbing and curled up in a ball on the floor screaming that I was going to kill myself. My mother suggested I go to the hospital.
I called a good friend of mine to drive me to the hospital. He has done this every time I've been to PER/PES. He sits with me the whole time I'm there- which can be over 24 hours on busy nights- and chats and jokes with me. That night, we went in. I was triaged and talked with people. Apparently, they saw something in my answers that made them want to admit me. I said, "What's that mean- I go and sleep there and talk with people and take meds?" They confirmed this. I told them I didn't want to go. I didn't. I just was thinking that I didn't have my CPAP machine with me (helps my sleep apnea), and really, I just wasn't thinking clearly! I saw it as a question of "Would you like to?" And who would like to stay in the psych hospital? Nobody! So I said, no I wouldn't. They never MADE me stay. What they did do is call my friend in and asked him if he thought I was okay to go home and he said yes. But he wasn't there when the above happened.
So for now, I can't tell you what its like in the psych ward. In fact, another time I went in a week later, they said that getting a spot is very difficult. You'd think its like people that go to the ER get admitted and go upstairs, but in reality people from all over the state are flown in or ambulanced in and you might end up in another hospital in another city. In fact, its extremely likely that you will.
So for now, let's hope I can't update this with what its like to be in the ward, or to have my ankles and wrists in leather straps on a hospital bed, or any other number of things that happen in the psych. ward.
Its very important to go to the psych. ER if you are having suicidal thoughts or even ideation. What I know is that being in that state where you scream that you want to die is not the usual you. You are as scared and confused as the people around you. You may not truly wish to die. Its a terribly brain state and is pervasive and extremely difficult to self-remedy. In fact, I would say that the psych emergency room is the best place to go. Safety first. And friends and family are IMMEASURABLY helpful when you can't tell up from down or left from right.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Depression & Bipolar Depression & Others
"I'm depressed." Everyone seems to say this, when they really should say, "I'm disappointed," or "I'm upset," or "I'm sad".
I don't get depression as often as I get hypo/mania. When it hits, I'm surprised. I suppose I shouldn't be: I was diagnosed with unipolar depression (a.k.a. "depression") that Zoloft and Paxil are advertised for) around 1997. At any rate, I was surprised this last time a few months ago. It seems like sadness, but I felt a pervasive anxiety and tiredness and my thoughts were all sad- I could only think sad things and probably even things that weren't necessarily that sad in reality seemed sad to me.
Sometimes I have felt sad on top of my thoughts being "normal". This is very strange. Crying and yet walking around thinking "Oh that DVD looks nice!" This particular episode only lasted an afternoon until I called my psychiatrist.
A similar episode happened when I just couldn't stop crying and had no idea why. My youngest son came into the room asking what was wrong and I really didn't know! Nevermind that I didn't know what to tell him, either. How do you tell your 8-year-old that you're crying like someone just died but there really is no reason?
Back about 10 years ago, I would have episodes of depression so bad that I was catatonic. I would lay in bed and stare straight out and not move- for hours. I suppose that was my way of "checking out". I'd sleep until 3 p.m., too, which was also a way of checking out; I'd prefer to be in the world of my dreams.
I also had postpartum depression all three times. I had antenatal (during pregnancy) depression, too, so this kind of melded together. My depression while pregnant was "situational"- there was a reason behind it, basically, and mine was high-risk pregnancies. I had problems with the pregnancies and had to be put on bedrest. Sitting around all day alone with "nothing to do" (because I'd already finished the internet!) is very depressing, especially when the world is just outside your window. The postpartum depression just seemed to start up pretty soon after the birth, though not right away. This is when I would cry, and some of it was due to having little to no sleep after my first child (15 minutes out of every 2 hours around the clock!) and some of it was just plain hormones. As I've already described, I had "horror movie hallucinations" after the last one was born. Somewhere after my middle child was born, I wasn't having depression at the time, but I hallucinated orange rectangles in the sky. I was sitting in the bathroom and looked out the window and clearly saw orange rectangles. I called my husband who said he saw nothing. The weird thing was that they were there when I looked outside and not when I looked inside. But I'm digressing into hallucinations, but I think these are related to post-partum depression- or at least they seemed to be at the time.
This last time I had depression (which I say isn't as often for me), I felt tired and slow and thinking increasingly negative and almost suicidal thoughts. (Save that for another post.) It went on for at least 3 weeks before I told my psych. dr. who prescribed Celexa. Antidepressants can have a paradoxical effect on bipolar people and "ramp them up". I'd been on it less than a week. I started bouncing and talking quickly and generally getting faster and faster until one day I was out with a friend and he said I really aught to call my doctor. We were sitting at a table at a restaurant and my legs were bouncy and my hands were figgity. I had a straw in one hand and was flicking it as fast as I could against the table, each end tapping in turns. My fingers were flicking against the table, too. I called my friend who thought I was very funny, but also said I should call my doctor. Even talking with him in the breezeway of the doors, I couldn't stop pacing, talking very quickly, or bouncing. I just HAD to move, or I'd feel uncomfortable. I COULD stop, yes, but not for very long and only when I put my mind to it. This is hypomania and one of the worst times I've been this "bouncy".
The other- more famous, I guess- part of bipolar depression is suicidal ideation. For me, this seems to be more situational. That is, some event will trigger intense emotions that I can't find a way out of and I'll feel I want to kill myself. (Separate post on this.) The ideation just means that you are thinking a lot about wanting to kill yourself, but you haven't tried it or made concrete plans to do it.
In my next post, I will post about suicidal thoughts, actions, and going to the psych. ER.
I don't get depression as often as I get hypo/mania. When it hits, I'm surprised. I suppose I shouldn't be: I was diagnosed with unipolar depression (a.k.a. "depression") that Zoloft and Paxil are advertised for) around 1997. At any rate, I was surprised this last time a few months ago. It seems like sadness, but I felt a pervasive anxiety and tiredness and my thoughts were all sad- I could only think sad things and probably even things that weren't necessarily that sad in reality seemed sad to me.
Sometimes I have felt sad on top of my thoughts being "normal". This is very strange. Crying and yet walking around thinking "Oh that DVD looks nice!" This particular episode only lasted an afternoon until I called my psychiatrist.
A similar episode happened when I just couldn't stop crying and had no idea why. My youngest son came into the room asking what was wrong and I really didn't know! Nevermind that I didn't know what to tell him, either. How do you tell your 8-year-old that you're crying like someone just died but there really is no reason?
Back about 10 years ago, I would have episodes of depression so bad that I was catatonic. I would lay in bed and stare straight out and not move- for hours. I suppose that was my way of "checking out". I'd sleep until 3 p.m., too, which was also a way of checking out; I'd prefer to be in the world of my dreams.
I also had postpartum depression all three times. I had antenatal (during pregnancy) depression, too, so this kind of melded together. My depression while pregnant was "situational"- there was a reason behind it, basically, and mine was high-risk pregnancies. I had problems with the pregnancies and had to be put on bedrest. Sitting around all day alone with "nothing to do" (because I'd already finished the internet!) is very depressing, especially when the world is just outside your window. The postpartum depression just seemed to start up pretty soon after the birth, though not right away. This is when I would cry, and some of it was due to having little to no sleep after my first child (15 minutes out of every 2 hours around the clock!) and some of it was just plain hormones. As I've already described, I had "horror movie hallucinations" after the last one was born. Somewhere after my middle child was born, I wasn't having depression at the time, but I hallucinated orange rectangles in the sky. I was sitting in the bathroom and looked out the window and clearly saw orange rectangles. I called my husband who said he saw nothing. The weird thing was that they were there when I looked outside and not when I looked inside. But I'm digressing into hallucinations, but I think these are related to post-partum depression- or at least they seemed to be at the time.
This last time I had depression (which I say isn't as often for me), I felt tired and slow and thinking increasingly negative and almost suicidal thoughts. (Save that for another post.) It went on for at least 3 weeks before I told my psych. dr. who prescribed Celexa. Antidepressants can have a paradoxical effect on bipolar people and "ramp them up". I'd been on it less than a week. I started bouncing and talking quickly and generally getting faster and faster until one day I was out with a friend and he said I really aught to call my doctor. We were sitting at a table at a restaurant and my legs were bouncy and my hands were figgity. I had a straw in one hand and was flicking it as fast as I could against the table, each end tapping in turns. My fingers were flicking against the table, too. I called my friend who thought I was very funny, but also said I should call my doctor. Even talking with him in the breezeway of the doors, I couldn't stop pacing, talking very quickly, or bouncing. I just HAD to move, or I'd feel uncomfortable. I COULD stop, yes, but not for very long and only when I put my mind to it. This is hypomania and one of the worst times I've been this "bouncy".
The other- more famous, I guess- part of bipolar depression is suicidal ideation. For me, this seems to be more situational. That is, some event will trigger intense emotions that I can't find a way out of and I'll feel I want to kill myself. (Separate post on this.) The ideation just means that you are thinking a lot about wanting to kill yourself, but you haven't tried it or made concrete plans to do it.
In my next post, I will post about suicidal thoughts, actions, and going to the psych. ER.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
"Horror Movie Hallucinations"
There is a second type of hallucination which one psychiatrist dubbed, "Horror Movie Hallucinations". These are visions that aren't actual hallucinations in the sense of seeing or hearing things that other people can't, or more precisely, that you think are there but other people don't.
Before I was diagnosed, I was having a bad day. I was very agitated and easily upset. I began screaming. I left and took the kids to school. Everything went well until I had just walked my youngest to his classroom. I saw myself ripping the spines out of kids and throwing them against the wall- blood and all. I shook it off. The visions went away. Then, a minute later, I went to get a drink of water at the fountain and had yet another vision of smashing skulls. I shook it off again. When I got back to my car, I called my psychiatrist. (Different one than now.) She was worried about what I was telling her, and told me to not drive anywhere. She called me in a prescription for Celexa . No mention of bipolar was made.
Four years earlier, when my youngest was born, I'd had similar "horror movie hallucinations", but this time it was while I was showering my 2-year-old daughter. I was washing her hair and it was as if someone turned on a movie on top of real life: I saw my hands on her head, crushing through her skull, fragments, crushing and blood everywhere! I reported this to my psychiatrist (same as above) and I was told to keep on my Zoloft. This is the same year that Andrea Yates killed her four or five kids! My Ob/Gyn picked up on this and we had a heart-to-heart conversation.
I have since asked my current psychiatrist why my former psych doc never caught on to my bipolar- she didn't really answer me.
Normal hallucinations just play out as if they were real. They might come and go, but they seem like real life happening, rather than something playing on top of reality. The horror movie hallucinations come on quickly, too. One second you're seeing life normally, and the next a horrible vision plays in your mind and is projected into your eyes. They are scary and unpredictable. They go away on their own- or in my case, maybe the antidepressants helped to get rid of them. I'm still kind of miffed that my bipolar wasn't diagnosed earlier than it was- but then again, if I were and I were medicated, I might not have experiences with which to diagnose me. :)
Before I was diagnosed, I was having a bad day. I was very agitated and easily upset. I began screaming. I left and took the kids to school. Everything went well until I had just walked my youngest to his classroom. I saw myself ripping the spines out of kids and throwing them against the wall- blood and all. I shook it off. The visions went away. Then, a minute later, I went to get a drink of water at the fountain and had yet another vision of smashing skulls. I shook it off again. When I got back to my car, I called my psychiatrist. (Different one than now.) She was worried about what I was telling her, and told me to not drive anywhere. She called me in a prescription for Celexa . No mention of bipolar was made.
Four years earlier, when my youngest was born, I'd had similar "horror movie hallucinations", but this time it was while I was showering my 2-year-old daughter. I was washing her hair and it was as if someone turned on a movie on top of real life: I saw my hands on her head, crushing through her skull, fragments, crushing and blood everywhere! I reported this to my psychiatrist (same as above) and I was told to keep on my Zoloft. This is the same year that Andrea Yates killed her four or five kids! My Ob/Gyn picked up on this and we had a heart-to-heart conversation.
I have since asked my current psychiatrist why my former psych doc never caught on to my bipolar- she didn't really answer me.
Normal hallucinations just play out as if they were real. They might come and go, but they seem like real life happening, rather than something playing on top of reality. The horror movie hallucinations come on quickly, too. One second you're seeing life normally, and the next a horrible vision plays in your mind and is projected into your eyes. They are scary and unpredictable. They go away on their own- or in my case, maybe the antidepressants helped to get rid of them. I'm still kind of miffed that my bipolar wasn't diagnosed earlier than it was- but then again, if I were and I were medicated, I might not have experiences with which to diagnose me. :)
"This Whole Place is Bipolar!"
My youngest son's teacher said this to me yesterday. "This whole place is bipolar." She meant the teachers in the school. She said there is a bit of upheaval going on with the new interim principal.
I'm not quite sure what she meant. Lots of people seem to throw around the term "bipolar": Sometimes they mean "Crazy"; sometimes they mean "unpredictable"; sometimes they mean "wild mood swings"; sometimes they mean "mentally unstable". The meanings change with who is saying it. I was taken aback. I thought to myself, "Hey! I'm bipolar. How dare you bandy the term around!" Its like saying, "That person's a drug addict," whisper whisper... Scenes from movies must play in their heads - a woman screaming and saying incoherent things; a jab of Haldol given in a hurry and then the person slumps over... who knows. Even television portrays bipolar people in the stereotypical extremes. On House a few years ago, the title character got admitted to an old-style mental hospital. His roommate? A bipolar man! What was he like? VERY VERY VERY bouncy and never stopped talking. Granted, he also said he refused to take meds, but if this fictional character really didn't take his meds, he's LUCKY that he just got very talky/bouncy. He likely would've had psychosis and suicidality at some point, or even major depression. THAT would've been interesting to watch - especially derealization. Hollywood: Work that in, would ya? But back to what I was typing. If this teacher would've thought, she would've remembered that I told her once that I'm bipolar and edited herself.
At any rate, if someone is angry in one part of the day and then happy the other part, does that make them bipolar? Probably not. I will say again: Bipolar is NOT just "really happy" and "really sad". During one of my episodes- the one where I was going to leap off a balcony at the grocery store that I mentioned in a previous post- I was walking around town completely detached. Nothing seemed real. I talked with people, but it was as if they were in a parallel universe. As if the two universes were on top of each other but we couldn't communicate. I did manage to talk with the owner of a record shop about my record collection. He said, "Wow! Do you have a degree in this?" What a compliment! And yet, that state helped me to remember and list off all of these facts in the back of my brain. I doubt he noticed anything different about me- after all, he didn't recognize me from any other time I'd been in. I've never gotten so psychotic or detached that I actually go arrested. (That's possible.) I've been to the psych ER, though, and almost was admitted. (Future post.)
So next time you are feeling frustrated, or having a bad day and crying, or you get good news after the bad day and feel elated, please don't say to the world, "I must be bipolar!" Or the next time you feel like punching someone in the face, or the lady in front of you at the grocery store checkout line is slow as tar in January, don't say, "Damn! I must be bipolar!" Count yourself lucky that- more than likely- you're not.
I'm not quite sure what she meant. Lots of people seem to throw around the term "bipolar": Sometimes they mean "Crazy"; sometimes they mean "unpredictable"; sometimes they mean "wild mood swings"; sometimes they mean "mentally unstable". The meanings change with who is saying it. I was taken aback. I thought to myself, "Hey! I'm bipolar. How dare you bandy the term around!" Its like saying, "That person's a drug addict," whisper whisper... Scenes from movies must play in their heads - a woman screaming and saying incoherent things; a jab of Haldol given in a hurry and then the person slumps over... who knows. Even television portrays bipolar people in the stereotypical extremes. On House a few years ago, the title character got admitted to an old-style mental hospital. His roommate? A bipolar man! What was he like? VERY VERY VERY bouncy and never stopped talking. Granted, he also said he refused to take meds, but if this fictional character really didn't take his meds, he's LUCKY that he just got very talky/bouncy. He likely would've had psychosis and suicidality at some point, or even major depression. THAT would've been interesting to watch - especially derealization. Hollywood: Work that in, would ya? But back to what I was typing. If this teacher would've thought, she would've remembered that I told her once that I'm bipolar and edited herself.
At any rate, if someone is angry in one part of the day and then happy the other part, does that make them bipolar? Probably not. I will say again: Bipolar is NOT just "really happy" and "really sad". During one of my episodes- the one where I was going to leap off a balcony at the grocery store that I mentioned in a previous post- I was walking around town completely detached. Nothing seemed real. I talked with people, but it was as if they were in a parallel universe. As if the two universes were on top of each other but we couldn't communicate. I did manage to talk with the owner of a record shop about my record collection. He said, "Wow! Do you have a degree in this?" What a compliment! And yet, that state helped me to remember and list off all of these facts in the back of my brain. I doubt he noticed anything different about me- after all, he didn't recognize me from any other time I'd been in. I've never gotten so psychotic or detached that I actually go arrested. (That's possible.) I've been to the psych ER, though, and almost was admitted. (Future post.)
So next time you are feeling frustrated, or having a bad day and crying, or you get good news after the bad day and feel elated, please don't say to the world, "I must be bipolar!" Or the next time you feel like punching someone in the face, or the lady in front of you at the grocery store checkout line is slow as tar in January, don't say, "Damn! I must be bipolar!" Count yourself lucky that- more than likely- you're not.
Money
This is a touchy subject for everybody. Especially in the last 5 years.
Mania tends to make one lose inhibitions, and depression to ignore problems. One day, you think you're on top of the world and can afford to max out all your credit cards, and a month later the bills come and the guilt hits. And the month after that. For some people this means $15,000 in a year or two; for others its that much in a MONTH!
Its a horrible problem for anybody, but for bipolar people, that lack of checks-and-balances - literally- is a huge deal. I've heard of others who have had friends give them loans or family members cosign for things. Most of us aren't that "lucky". I say "lucky" because once you do that you are forever "attached" to that person in a more intimate way than you probably were before.
Mania can make you feel like you not only WANT every book of your favorite author, but NEED them- NOW and maybe to go on a vacation, buy a new car, or any other big item. "Lucky" for me, I don't have a lot of money and the great credit I had was shot on tummy tucks, trips, and various other "fun" things.
Is there a bill that says "All those with bipolar are forgiven their debts?" Nope. Not unless they added to the "Lord's Prayer", or Obama somehow gets really empathetic with us.
Its just gonna take one of three things: 1. A miracle 2. Winning the lottery. 3. bargaining and paying the bill collectors. I've only heard of once someone giving a loan for debts and then not asking for it to be paid back. That was many years ago and I'm all-the-more surprised to this day.
Mania tends to make one lose inhibitions, and depression to ignore problems. One day, you think you're on top of the world and can afford to max out all your credit cards, and a month later the bills come and the guilt hits. And the month after that. For some people this means $15,000 in a year or two; for others its that much in a MONTH!
Its a horrible problem for anybody, but for bipolar people, that lack of checks-and-balances - literally- is a huge deal. I've heard of others who have had friends give them loans or family members cosign for things. Most of us aren't that "lucky". I say "lucky" because once you do that you are forever "attached" to that person in a more intimate way than you probably were before.
Mania can make you feel like you not only WANT every book of your favorite author, but NEED them- NOW and maybe to go on a vacation, buy a new car, or any other big item. "Lucky" for me, I don't have a lot of money and the great credit I had was shot on tummy tucks, trips, and various other "fun" things.
Is there a bill that says "All those with bipolar are forgiven their debts?" Nope. Not unless they added to the "Lord's Prayer", or Obama somehow gets really empathetic with us.
Its just gonna take one of three things: 1. A miracle 2. Winning the lottery. 3. bargaining and paying the bill collectors. I've only heard of once someone giving a loan for debts and then not asking for it to be paid back. That was many years ago and I'm all-the-more surprised to this day.
Hunger & Getting Fat
Nobody likes getting fat. Our society says that fat is bad. So what happens when the vast majority of drugs for bipolar seem to make you gain weight?
Its a terrible choice we have to make. When I first went on a drug for bipolar, I was told that I likely would gain weight. I remember holding the bottle of pills at the doctor's office building and looking at my svelt body and back again at the bottle. I took the pills. Depakote. Known for causing weight gain. I gained 50 pounds.
Eventually, I switched to a more-weight-neutral drug, Lithium. I didn't gain as much. Then came the antipsychotics.
I was off and on so many of them because of side effects. I was in an "off" period, when I started hallucinating about six months ago as of this writing. For other reasons, I ended up the psych ER and was put on Zyprexa. I'm still on it. It works very very well. But it also makes you want to eat. Its not a normal hunger. Its an internal "I'm-missing-something" feeling. Its like you're a newborn baby again and need to eat every two hours. Its that Zyprexa goes in and not only makes you more hungry, but it is obsessed with storing every bit of fat it can, AND it makes you more tired so you want to sleep about 14 hours a day, when you get your dose upped.
So how is this a good thing? I've asked my therapist and my primary doctor about switching meds, but I just get side-stepped. There are meds that you can add to hellp with the weight gain, but usually you get told you need to exercise more. The plain truth is that I can FEEL how my body has changed in the way it works- even though exercise is still good for me in every other way. I just had a rhythm going with food and exercise before the drugs. And after the drugs, even with exercise it has been different. As things change, I will update this topic.
UPDATE: I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. She prescribed Metformin, a diabetes drug. I don't have diabetes, but there's some thought that it helps you not gain weight on antipsychotics. Supposedly, I should've started them at the same time, but we're giving it a try anyway.
Its a terrible choice we have to make. When I first went on a drug for bipolar, I was told that I likely would gain weight. I remember holding the bottle of pills at the doctor's office building and looking at my svelt body and back again at the bottle. I took the pills. Depakote. Known for causing weight gain. I gained 50 pounds.
Eventually, I switched to a more-weight-neutral drug, Lithium. I didn't gain as much. Then came the antipsychotics.
I was off and on so many of them because of side effects. I was in an "off" period, when I started hallucinating about six months ago as of this writing. For other reasons, I ended up the psych ER and was put on Zyprexa. I'm still on it. It works very very well. But it also makes you want to eat. Its not a normal hunger. Its an internal "I'm-missing-something" feeling. Its like you're a newborn baby again and need to eat every two hours. Its that Zyprexa goes in and not only makes you more hungry, but it is obsessed with storing every bit of fat it can, AND it makes you more tired so you want to sleep about 14 hours a day, when you get your dose upped.
So how is this a good thing? I've asked my therapist and my primary doctor about switching meds, but I just get side-stepped. There are meds that you can add to hellp with the weight gain, but usually you get told you need to exercise more. The plain truth is that I can FEEL how my body has changed in the way it works- even though exercise is still good for me in every other way. I just had a rhythm going with food and exercise before the drugs. And after the drugs, even with exercise it has been different. As things change, I will update this topic.
UPDATE: I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. She prescribed Metformin, a diabetes drug. I don't have diabetes, but there's some thought that it helps you not gain weight on antipsychotics. Supposedly, I should've started them at the same time, but we're giving it a try anyway.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Anxiety & Guilt
Anxiety is definitely part of being bipolar. It doesn't necessarily have to be overwhelming anxiety, either. It usually turns up as an underlying uneasy feeling. Lots of times, I'll start feeling this way and on top of it, I'll feel guilty. Guilty for not doing enough in my life, or guilty for not cleaning enough, or guilty for not doing enough with my kids.
Sometimes however, it does get bad enough that I need to take Ativan. Sometimes it gets so bad that it takes over my body inside and I can't do anything to get my mind out of repetative negative thinking, or even just not know WHY I'm feeling that way. I just do.
Sometimes, this feeling moves into more intense feelings but for now I'll leave it to the fact that anxiety and guilt often go together and they don't necessarily seem to stem from anything.
Sometimes however, it does get bad enough that I need to take Ativan. Sometimes it gets so bad that it takes over my body inside and I can't do anything to get my mind out of repetative negative thinking, or even just not know WHY I'm feeling that way. I just do.
Sometimes, this feeling moves into more intense feelings but for now I'll leave it to the fact that anxiety and guilt often go together and they don't necessarily seem to stem from anything.
Off Topic - I Forgive You
This is a bit off topic, but my 14-year-old son just posted this:
All things are worth forgiving. it may be hard, but never forget that people will be people and make mistakes. Do not grasp anger because it uses energy and prevents you to think and do other basic functions. Its self mortification to to hold on to grudges. please go to everyone who has done something to do and simply say Ï forgive you
All things are worth forgiving. it may be hard, but never forget that people will be people and make mistakes. Do not grasp anger because it uses energy and prevents you to think and do other basic functions. Its self mortification to to hold on to grudges. please go to everyone who has done something to do and simply say Ï forgive you
Monday, March 19, 2012
Overwhelming Stimuli
The following italicized text is a post I wrote on 1/1/11. I comment about it after.
I am out at the movies and in the hallway waiting for the last 15 mins so my 2 friends can finish the movie. My o e friend suggested tron a d I said no because it's very loud and I get migraines. Well sure enough he just picks tron! He vetoed out of hand the others that we picked.
So the 3D was making me dizzy. But it's the sound. I get it at restaurants sometimes. It's like it physically is overwhelming from the inside- not just hurting my ears. I also get migraine and luckily I don't have one from it but the whole experience was not fun.
Other times, it's people talking- I can hear each voice rather than tuning them out to a din. It's physically unsettling and makes me irritated as in manic unsettled. Right now I'll be ok. But it was so unpleasant.
I have been in busy restaurants where I felt like I could hear each and every voice that was talking. Every voice was permeating- almost grating- and pervasive, so that the total effect was like being cut repeatedly with tiny knives. There is a scene that got to me in "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close": The main character, a 10-year-old boy, was "borderline" autistic. He was in the bathroom in the tub when the colors seemed brighter and the sounds seemed much louder. This is a lot like what its like to have overwhelming stimuli during hypo/mania.
I am out at the movies and in the hallway waiting for the last 15 mins so my 2 friends can finish the movie. My o e friend suggested tron a d I said no because it's very loud and I get migraines. Well sure enough he just picks tron! He vetoed out of hand the others that we picked.
So the 3D was making me dizzy. But it's the sound. I get it at restaurants sometimes. It's like it physically is overwhelming from the inside- not just hurting my ears. I also get migraine and luckily I don't have one from it but the whole experience was not fun.
Other times, it's people talking- I can hear each voice rather than tuning them out to a din. It's physically unsettling and makes me irritated as in manic unsettled. Right now I'll be ok. But it was so unpleasant.
I have been in busy restaurants where I felt like I could hear each and every voice that was talking. Every voice was permeating- almost grating- and pervasive, so that the total effect was like being cut repeatedly with tiny knives. There is a scene that got to me in "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close": The main character, a 10-year-old boy, was "borderline" autistic. He was in the bathroom in the tub when the colors seemed brighter and the sounds seemed much louder. This is a lot like what its like to have overwhelming stimuli during hypo/mania.
Hypomania ("Diagnosis codes")
As I said before, hypomania is "under mania"- not as much as mania. The problem is that its a continuum without clear "stops" along the way. Sure, books will tell you that extravagant spending and sex with strangers are sure signs of hypomania, but its not often that clear-cut.
The last time I had hypomania, I had been prescribed Celexa which is an anti-depressant that's supposedly good for people with my type of bipolar. I had been having depression for at least three weeks and we hoped I wouldn't get this particular side-effect. Within a week, I was clearly agitated. I couldn't stop bouncing my legs, tapping my fingers and hands on the table, and flicking a straw on both ends against the table with such speed that it seems like strenuous finger torture now! I had to get up and walk and pace and talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk... and laugh and laugh and BOY! was I funny! EVERYbody thinks I'm funny when hypomanic! (They think I'm funny anyway, but there's no denying it then!) I finally called my doctor when not one but two friends- on in person and one on the phone- said, "I think you should call your doctor now." These are friends I've known quite some time, but even so, they don't often see me during episodes, and yet THEY said to call.
I've ridden a bike with headphones on with a choir SINGING AWAY and I SANG AWAY at full volume, high-pitched soprano line and everything in public. Its FREE. Its euphoric. I didn't care what other people thought! I was happy. I was alone in my own world. What is different about this time than any other time I might sing along to music is the feeling of invincibility. The feeling of flying in another plane- literally "on top of the world".
Other times, I've had hallucinations- what I THOUGHT were halmarks of mania- and yet when I told my doctor about the episode, she'd mark my check-out sheet as "Most recent episode hypomanic". Go figure.
I'm typing all about hypomania and now that I mention the check-out sheets, it reminds me that I'm told NOT to dwell on my diagnosis. Not to dwell on the numbers they write on there- "296.6", etc. Yes, its a continuum, but each state has its distinct feelings and symptoms. Why would they come up with new names and diagnosis codes, if not?
The last time I had hypomania, I had been prescribed Celexa which is an anti-depressant that's supposedly good for people with my type of bipolar. I had been having depression for at least three weeks and we hoped I wouldn't get this particular side-effect. Within a week, I was clearly agitated. I couldn't stop bouncing my legs, tapping my fingers and hands on the table, and flicking a straw on both ends against the table with such speed that it seems like strenuous finger torture now! I had to get up and walk and pace and talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk... and laugh and laugh and BOY! was I funny! EVERYbody thinks I'm funny when hypomanic! (They think I'm funny anyway, but there's no denying it then!) I finally called my doctor when not one but two friends- on in person and one on the phone- said, "I think you should call your doctor now." These are friends I've known quite some time, but even so, they don't often see me during episodes, and yet THEY said to call.
I've ridden a bike with headphones on with a choir SINGING AWAY and I SANG AWAY at full volume, high-pitched soprano line and everything in public. Its FREE. Its euphoric. I didn't care what other people thought! I was happy. I was alone in my own world. What is different about this time than any other time I might sing along to music is the feeling of invincibility. The feeling of flying in another plane- literally "on top of the world".
Other times, I've had hallucinations- what I THOUGHT were halmarks of mania- and yet when I told my doctor about the episode, she'd mark my check-out sheet as "Most recent episode hypomanic". Go figure.
I'm typing all about hypomania and now that I mention the check-out sheets, it reminds me that I'm told NOT to dwell on my diagnosis. Not to dwell on the numbers they write on there- "296.6", etc. Yes, its a continuum, but each state has its distinct feelings and symptoms. Why would they come up with new names and diagnosis codes, if not?
You ARE Your Brain!
I have a friend who researches brain drugs- yes I know, ironic! One day, we were at a cafe talking and I said something to the effect of "I don't.... my brain". He jokingly replied, "You ARE you brain!" That's one of those comments that you just think on. (In "What Dreams May Come", Robin William's character says something about his brain being separate from him; the whole movie is kind of like a lucid dream.)
So, I AM my brain. There is no me outside of my brain. In my last post, I talked about feeling disconnected from myself, but this is different. My brain runs EVERYTHING about me. I cannot distance myself from it. And yet, therapy is about trying to see around what your bipolar brain is doing. I tell you what: Sometimes, my brain seems so scrambled that I can't figure out left from right. Once, I found myself in a Wendy's and yet couldn't figure out how I'd gotten there, and was asking myself, "What do they DO here? Hmm..." I could read the signs and see the chairs and people, but I seriously had no idea what one did there, and my mind was blank as to the driving I (now obviously) had done.
I've heard other bipolar people say that they've been told to "just pick yourself up by your bootstraps" or "stop thinking and just do it" or "if you'd only..." These things certainly have their place, but say them to a bipolar person in the middle of an episode and you'll just get a blank stare since that's what his brain is processing at that moment.
It seems as if my brain runs the show and when it DOES, it takes over! I have had to learn how to back myself out of situations- how to catch the little clues that I'm heading into an episode, before they get out of control. Sometimes I can, and sometimes I end up in the middle of it and don't know how I got there. In my last post, I talked about realizing when I'm hallucinating and a friend commented on how good that was. It takes practice! I suppose that there could be SCARY hallucinations and then I might not be so quick on the updraw. (Spiders come to mind!! EEK!)
As I said before, sometimes it almost seems preferable to have an episode than to be turned into a jar of molasses and then told that you need to go exercise for heaven's sake!
So, I AM my brain. There is no me outside of my brain. In my last post, I talked about feeling disconnected from myself, but this is different. My brain runs EVERYTHING about me. I cannot distance myself from it. And yet, therapy is about trying to see around what your bipolar brain is doing. I tell you what: Sometimes, my brain seems so scrambled that I can't figure out left from right. Once, I found myself in a Wendy's and yet couldn't figure out how I'd gotten there, and was asking myself, "What do they DO here? Hmm..." I could read the signs and see the chairs and people, but I seriously had no idea what one did there, and my mind was blank as to the driving I (now obviously) had done.
I've heard other bipolar people say that they've been told to "just pick yourself up by your bootstraps" or "stop thinking and just do it" or "if you'd only..." These things certainly have their place, but say them to a bipolar person in the middle of an episode and you'll just get a blank stare since that's what his brain is processing at that moment.
It seems as if my brain runs the show and when it DOES, it takes over! I have had to learn how to back myself out of situations- how to catch the little clues that I'm heading into an episode, before they get out of control. Sometimes I can, and sometimes I end up in the middle of it and don't know how I got there. In my last post, I talked about realizing when I'm hallucinating and a friend commented on how good that was. It takes practice! I suppose that there could be SCARY hallucinations and then I might not be so quick on the updraw. (Spiders come to mind!! EEK!)
As I said before, sometimes it almost seems preferable to have an episode than to be turned into a jar of molasses and then told that you need to go exercise for heaven's sake!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Bipolar Terms
Even though I just said bipolar is often lumped as a list of terms, I'm going to put a few here so you know what I mean when I use them.
Bipolar gets its name from the two ends- or poles- of the emotional spectrum. It used to be called "manic depression", since the "really happy part" is mania, and the "really sad part" is depression. While correct, just thinking of bipolar this way is simplistic.
Bipolar even has two types: 1 and 2. I'll get into more detail later, but for now, its easy to think of bipolar 1 as the "classic" bipolar, with the very high highs and the low lows. Bipolar 2 doesn't get the high highs; they get the hypomania that I mentioned in my first post- its all the hyper, fun, racing, taking-chances, money-spending-without-a-care part of mania, before it all goes very UN-fun! Bipolar 2 seems to have more depressed episodes and its depression is often described as more severe than unipolar (regular) depression. What is certain: Both types of bipolar are equally as serious. Those with bipolar 2 are often told that since they don't get the mania or the hallucinations of bipolar 1, they aren't as bad off. This is not so!
What's in the middle between mania and depression? I'd like to think "remission!" Unfortunately, sometimes we can get what is called a "mixed state" where both mania and depression happen at the same time. This is one of the most dangerous states, as you can have the suicidal thoughts from depression PLUS the energy from the mania or hypomania to carry those thoughts out. What does it feel like? Its extreme agitation. Not restless, but rather like an electric buzzing inside where you don't HAVE to move (as in hypomania) but you can't stand to be in your own body! You are simultaneously in depression- negative thinking, sucicidality, crying- and this extremely intense agitation. In total, it feels HORRIBLE!
A rarely discussed state is one where you are thinking in one emotion and feeling another. For example, I once went to the bookstore and was walking around looking at movies and books feeling perfectly calm and rational, yet I could NOT stop crying for the life of me and had absolutely no idea where it came from! Yes, I know! When you're thinking sad thoughts, you cry. Not necessarily!
This is a BIT like a disassociative state. That's where you feel like you're outside your body. It can happen to anybody during times of stress and feels like you're not part of your body anymore Derealization is a bit like disassociating, but it feels like you are in a dream- that the world around you is not real, basically. I once walked around town in one or both of these states. I was in a movie, or a more like a lucid dream (where you know you're dreaming, if you've had one). Or maybe more like a tv show where the person is dead but nobody else can hear or see them. Could they see me? I'm sure. But it FELT as if they couldn't. That same day, I thought I could fly and almost attempted to climb over a balcony to do so. THIS, is a delusion. THIS is mania.
Mania only happens with bipolar 1. I have rarely exprienced it- I take my meds, but "breakthroughs" do happen!- but its basically like hypomania, but without the fun. During mania, people often to harmful things. Its not just drinking too much, its not just sleeping around, it can be screaming, scary hallucinations... its all of the "up" of hypomania but that's where it stops- its as if it all goes very BAD. That's the only way I can describe it right now. Hearing voices? Yup! I've had times when I'm in a room alone in the house. A voice says, "Hey!" Silence. I go back to doing what I was doing. "Hellooooo!" Silence. I ignore it. This can go on for several minutes. Sometimes the voices say more than just hello. Once, my tv reciever box started playing music and talking to me. It was commanding me to look at it and do various other things. The voice was tinny and it sounded like a radio that wasn't quite tuned in. (Common, I've heard.) I listened to what it had to say and texted my friend just exactly what that was. It was mostly commanding and deragatory- both of which I hear are more in the spectrum of schizophrenia, but both bipolar and schizophrenia are on the same "line", so they say- but I knew what was happening so I wasn't afraid. I was amazed, actually! That my brain could be doing all this! The voice and radio and music sounded absolutely as if they were in the room with me! (Unlike when you think of a song you like and "hear it" in your head.) Yes, I take antipsychotics now. But they are EVIL drugs! The side effects are HORRID. And not every drug works the same way for everybody, so there is a LOT of trial and error and a LOT of "non-compliance" among we bipolars. (That means we don't do what we're told- like take our meds! But YOU try them.) Geodon (means "down to Earth" hahahahaha!) made me feel like I had an atomic bomb inside me... or like a CT scan; both feel like a ton of radiation!) Others- like Zyprexa- make you gain a LOT of weight. It increases appetite and stores more fat that your body normally would, PLUS makes you very sleepy. Not nice! I've been on several other antipsychotics, like Risperdal, but that "only" made me lactate. So you see the choice we have to make: Have my brain function "normally" and feel crappy, or feel a bit up or a bit down- until REALLY "up" or REALLY "down" sends us to the Psychiatric Emergency Room.
Bipolar gets its name from the two ends- or poles- of the emotional spectrum. It used to be called "manic depression", since the "really happy part" is mania, and the "really sad part" is depression. While correct, just thinking of bipolar this way is simplistic.
Bipolar even has two types: 1 and 2. I'll get into more detail later, but for now, its easy to think of bipolar 1 as the "classic" bipolar, with the very high highs and the low lows. Bipolar 2 doesn't get the high highs; they get the hypomania that I mentioned in my first post- its all the hyper, fun, racing, taking-chances, money-spending-without-a-care part of mania, before it all goes very UN-fun! Bipolar 2 seems to have more depressed episodes and its depression is often described as more severe than unipolar (regular) depression. What is certain: Both types of bipolar are equally as serious. Those with bipolar 2 are often told that since they don't get the mania or the hallucinations of bipolar 1, they aren't as bad off. This is not so!
What's in the middle between mania and depression? I'd like to think "remission!" Unfortunately, sometimes we can get what is called a "mixed state" where both mania and depression happen at the same time. This is one of the most dangerous states, as you can have the suicidal thoughts from depression PLUS the energy from the mania or hypomania to carry those thoughts out. What does it feel like? Its extreme agitation. Not restless, but rather like an electric buzzing inside where you don't HAVE to move (as in hypomania) but you can't stand to be in your own body! You are simultaneously in depression- negative thinking, sucicidality, crying- and this extremely intense agitation. In total, it feels HORRIBLE!
A rarely discussed state is one where you are thinking in one emotion and feeling another. For example, I once went to the bookstore and was walking around looking at movies and books feeling perfectly calm and rational, yet I could NOT stop crying for the life of me and had absolutely no idea where it came from! Yes, I know! When you're thinking sad thoughts, you cry. Not necessarily!
This is a BIT like a disassociative state. That's where you feel like you're outside your body. It can happen to anybody during times of stress and feels like you're not part of your body anymore Derealization is a bit like disassociating, but it feels like you are in a dream- that the world around you is not real, basically. I once walked around town in one or both of these states. I was in a movie, or a more like a lucid dream (where you know you're dreaming, if you've had one). Or maybe more like a tv show where the person is dead but nobody else can hear or see them. Could they see me? I'm sure. But it FELT as if they couldn't. That same day, I thought I could fly and almost attempted to climb over a balcony to do so. THIS, is a delusion. THIS is mania.
Mania only happens with bipolar 1. I have rarely exprienced it- I take my meds, but "breakthroughs" do happen!- but its basically like hypomania, but without the fun. During mania, people often to harmful things. Its not just drinking too much, its not just sleeping around, it can be screaming, scary hallucinations... its all of the "up" of hypomania but that's where it stops- its as if it all goes very BAD. That's the only way I can describe it right now. Hearing voices? Yup! I've had times when I'm in a room alone in the house. A voice says, "Hey!" Silence. I go back to doing what I was doing. "Hellooooo!" Silence. I ignore it. This can go on for several minutes. Sometimes the voices say more than just hello. Once, my tv reciever box started playing music and talking to me. It was commanding me to look at it and do various other things. The voice was tinny and it sounded like a radio that wasn't quite tuned in. (Common, I've heard.) I listened to what it had to say and texted my friend just exactly what that was. It was mostly commanding and deragatory- both of which I hear are more in the spectrum of schizophrenia, but both bipolar and schizophrenia are on the same "line", so they say- but I knew what was happening so I wasn't afraid. I was amazed, actually! That my brain could be doing all this! The voice and radio and music sounded absolutely as if they were in the room with me! (Unlike when you think of a song you like and "hear it" in your head.) Yes, I take antipsychotics now. But they are EVIL drugs! The side effects are HORRID. And not every drug works the same way for everybody, so there is a LOT of trial and error and a LOT of "non-compliance" among we bipolars. (That means we don't do what we're told- like take our meds! But YOU try them.) Geodon (means "down to Earth" hahahahaha!) made me feel like I had an atomic bomb inside me... or like a CT scan; both feel like a ton of radiation!) Others- like Zyprexa- make you gain a LOT of weight. It increases appetite and stores more fat that your body normally would, PLUS makes you very sleepy. Not nice! I've been on several other antipsychotics, like Risperdal, but that "only" made me lactate. So you see the choice we have to make: Have my brain function "normally" and feel crappy, or feel a bit up or a bit down- until REALLY "up" or REALLY "down" sends us to the Psychiatric Emergency Room.
Its Time to Write!
Today was a good day- had a fun day out and my bipolar seemed in check. (These two don't always go together!) I figured today is as good as any to start a memoir of having (/being) bipolar.
I am now nearly 40, and have been officially diagnosed as bipolar for about six years. Like most people diagnosed with bipolar, I had symptoms many years before I was officially given the label. Most of us go 10, 20, 30 years before some psychiatrist finally says, "You know, you don't have depression; you're bipolar," or, "What your regular doctor said was PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder), is really mania..."
What's more, websites, books, and magazines often list the symptoms of bipolar in a way that makes me scratch my head and say to myself, "Yeah, but..." Things like, "Fast speech, lowered inhibitions, depression, mixed states..." aren't very descriptive and leave the general person confused. It seems the disease de jour is bipolar, with the least bit of irrational behavior being tossed aside is "oh, she's just bipolar!" and laughter ensues. But, having bipolar is anything but funny. Oh sure, hypomania- "under mania"; e.g. less than manic- has made me "laugh my head off", and run around making passes at men as if I've had a bit of cocaine (or two Red Bulls, pick your poison- and no, I've never had either!). But the reality of these states isn't as clear-cut as the labels make them, and it isn't as fun as society makes them out to be. In fact, they can be seriously dangerous!
More then any of this, I am ME first and then bipolar. There was a thread online where some people asked "Am I bipolar or do I have bipolar?" The score was pretty divided. Although, most of what I will type here will be about bipolar, remember that there are certainly days where I'm perfectly hunky dory and those just don't get included because they aren't as on topic. I may try to go find some old posts of mine that illustrate how I was feeling at the time I was having an episode, but I will also try to recreate things from memory.
On to the next post!
I am now nearly 40, and have been officially diagnosed as bipolar for about six years. Like most people diagnosed with bipolar, I had symptoms many years before I was officially given the label. Most of us go 10, 20, 30 years before some psychiatrist finally says, "You know, you don't have depression; you're bipolar," or, "What your regular doctor said was PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder), is really mania..."
What's more, websites, books, and magazines often list the symptoms of bipolar in a way that makes me scratch my head and say to myself, "Yeah, but..." Things like, "Fast speech, lowered inhibitions, depression, mixed states..." aren't very descriptive and leave the general person confused. It seems the disease de jour is bipolar, with the least bit of irrational behavior being tossed aside is "oh, she's just bipolar!" and laughter ensues. But, having bipolar is anything but funny. Oh sure, hypomania- "under mania"; e.g. less than manic- has made me "laugh my head off", and run around making passes at men as if I've had a bit of cocaine (or two Red Bulls, pick your poison- and no, I've never had either!). But the reality of these states isn't as clear-cut as the labels make them, and it isn't as fun as society makes them out to be. In fact, they can be seriously dangerous!
More then any of this, I am ME first and then bipolar. There was a thread online where some people asked "Am I bipolar or do I have bipolar?" The score was pretty divided. Although, most of what I will type here will be about bipolar, remember that there are certainly days where I'm perfectly hunky dory and those just don't get included because they aren't as on topic. I may try to go find some old posts of mine that illustrate how I was feeling at the time I was having an episode, but I will also try to recreate things from memory.
On to the next post!