Ambulances?

Now hearing ambulance sirens that also sound far away. 

Zombies

All of the sudden I’m hearing zombies do screamo songs.  It sounds like it’s kinda far away but I can still hear it. 

Knives

 I just put all the knives in a bag to take to my mom’s later but not before turning one inward on myself and feeling the sharp point press into my skin.

Talked with case manager

My case manager called.  She wants me to give the knives to my mom.  She told me to talk back to the voices and say things like “No.  I’m not going to do that”.  She thinks I should go to my mom’s.  I dunno if she works tonight or not.  I told her that the voices tell me to harm myself and others and she said that’s what concerns her. 

They aren’t me

 I am not thinking things but the words come from elsewhere.  They are planted in my brain.  By what or whom I don’t know.  They say it’s my brain going haywire.  Maybe it’s stress.  But all I know is that I was not in control last night!  The voices were as random as could be.  Derogatory, mean, hateful, swearing, evil, sadistic psychotic voices and that is not me!  Nothing could be further from who I am.

Voices out of control

 These hallucinations are out of control!  The voices are commanding, insistent and mean!  I tell them to shut up yet they just mock me.  They are almost constant.  They want me to hurt myself and others!  I do not want to do that, needless to say!  At least Scott and Caleb have talked with me this evening and been loving and non-judgemental.  I have been listening to music to distract myself.  I feel like they are my fault but someone pointed out that my brain’s been through the wringer lately so no wonder it’s gone haywire.  

Saw psych nurse practitioner

 Saw my psych nurse practitioner this morning.  She put me on Caplyta (Lumateperone).  I can’t pick it up until tomorrow morning because the pharmacy had to order it.   We’re weaning off Rexulti- guess she thought it wasn’t working anymore.  I did take a shower which has improved my outlook although I am still having the intrusive thoughts about stabbing myself. (NP asked if I had a plan and I said no.  Hence why I’m not in the psych ER right now.).   I did, however, take a survey of which knives I have and found the “best” one, although I did not take it out of the drawer.

Rumination and Psychosis

 I was up till 3 a.m. ruminating about various things playing out every possible conflicting scenario in my mind ad infinitum.  The shakes last night were really bad too- I could hardly type anything.  My right hand is the worst. 

Tomorrow is my pnurse appointment.  Finally!  I’ve got such high hopes and I hope I am not disappointed.

I was reading my bipolar blog to Caleb last night.  Interesting reading.  

I thought I heard country music earlier.  Never heard the neighbors except when they fight.  I think it was just a hallucination.  Also having conflicting commanding internal voices.  Nasty nasty stuff they say.  

Thinking I’ll just sleep in what I wore today and wear it again tomorrow to see Pdoc.  I should look how I feel- a mess!