O Solitude

Feeling depressed when I'm not really used to it is weird.  Its hard.  I have the symptoms and my pdoc says I have it but like when I am manic, I just can't see it.  Everything feels dark, but at the same time, I want to crawl into a small dark place and never come out.  I am being lead by an invisible force/being.  I am falling away, even as I see myself I can't stop.  I wait for bad things to keep happening - its like I'm constantly dodging them.  I can't hold still on top of it all.  I yearn for music- angels singing, voices ringing.  I seek the lithe tones and the fullness of souls yearning for help, yet cherishing every sob, every wave of pain.  I fall into the darkened cold, cold skies and stay still, motionless.  Quiet.  Solitude.

Lighting Depression

I'm currently sitting in the middle of the mall having a coffee I shouldn't've spent my last 2 cents on. (Well it feels like it!) Its very depressing in here: the lighting- the skylights projecting a dreary sky yet the electric lights in thin "X" shapes are almost too bright. The temperature is a little too cool but I have my coat off. I just wanna crawl into a hole and never come out. Closest I can come is getting in bed with my million pillows and my weighted blanket under my comforter. But the hole would be dark. The mall is boring. Its also big. Im glad there's enough light to go around.

Accepting My Diagnosis

If a manic episode in retrospect does not convince me, what will it take? Ive been locked in a small padded room before. They barely checked on me and they didnt let me out to pee. This was at the psych emergency services. Ive been hospitalized lots of times and they always say bipolar. Except once they said I had bpd and I disagreed and so did my regular pdoc so that was dropped. Ive been to the PES more times than Ive been hospitalized and all but once they say im bipolar. That once they said I had delerium and sent me to the regular ER across the hall.

Pieces

If someone moves my stuff- or even if I do- mentally and physically!- I can't find these things again. Pieces of paper, thoughts, my car keys, etc. They must go in the same spot every time. Its highly frustrating. I have a vague recollection of typing this exact post before but without a reference it all drops away: I am lost. Not good when I have important paperwork to do.