Hospitalized again

So where to start. For a while I'd been sleeping more- long naps, sleeping in, etc. It got to where I was upset by almost everything. I called the after-hours help line at my psych's office several nights in a row. They kept telling me to read a book or watch a movie. Those only helped at first and only when I was doing them. I began to have what they call suicidal ideation- otherwise known as thinking about killing myself. Everywhere I turned seemed like a dead end in my life. As I talked to the after-hours help line, I paced my bedroom- back and forth, back and forth- and told them how I wasn't sure I wanted to kill myself but I didn't feel safe either. They suggested I hide my pills just in case. Well I didn't. Pills stayed where they were thank you very much! I picked up a bottle of low-dose Zyprexa and poured it into my hand wanting to take the pile in front of me. I put them back. I went into the hallway and did the same with Benedryl. I had already taken too much Benedryl a month or so ago actually and knew what that would be like, but I put them away like the Zyprexa too and picked up the phone to call the after-hours people yet again. This time, they decided that I should go in to the psych ER.

Once at the ER they green-banded me so I couldn't run away, took blood and pee and so began the long night as usual. I passed the time watching videos on my friend's computer in between talking to nurses and doctors. I told them that I'd quit my tiny dose of zyprexa a week or two ago and that I wanted to kill myself. I added that earlier in the day, on the way home from getting Wendy's for my daughter, a voice inside my head kept telling me mean things and to harm myself. It was like another me was inside my head but it wasn't me: it was someone else! They asked if I recognized the voice and I said no I didn't. Eventually, they found me a room at another hospital- this one was full- and I was transported via ambulance for the 45 minute ride. I was strapped to the bed with a 5-point harness which was good because it was a very bumpy ride.

Once we were at the new hospital, there was a bit of a wait before I went upstairs which was a bit annoying as I had to pee which distracted me from everything else that was going on. By the time I got my room, it was about 7 a.m. and I was beyond tired. They let me sleep, thank goodness, but they didn't let me have my cpap machine (helps my breathing at night). I could've gotten better sleep with it, but as it was, I slept pretty hard even without it most of the afternoon. While I was there, I made a couple of friends and days were spent seeing the dr, getting meds, getting my blood pressure taken, and reading my book. They really frowned on you being in your room alone too much, but I was very tired the whole time I was there. They said it was the depression and maybe so, but everybody that saw me said I was very slow and just looked exhausted. Even people on the phone said I sounded slow. We watched movies during out free time too. All I wanted was to sleep but I had to force myself to stay awake. They changed my medications too. They increased my Zyprexa from the 10 mg I had been taking (after stopping the 2.5) to 15 mg, decreased my lithium from 1000 down to 800 (I think), and added Zoloft which is an antidepressant. They also added Trazodone which is a sleeping pill. So far, I feel better but it does take some time to feel the effects of antidepressants- about 2 weeks. Trazodone, howeever, has made my sleep better even after 3 days: I sleep mostly through the night instead of waking up 3 or 4 times to pee. This makes me feel refreshed when I wake up! I'm happy about this.

I saw the doctor several times. She had plenty to type into her computer, but I didn't see what she wrote. I told her that I'd been hallucinating at the hospital. There I was, sitting in a group session, and whatever I was thinking of would suddenly turn real! I could see my thoughts! I only have one blurb that she wrote about me that that was in my discharge paper work. It says, "Reason for admit: increased depression, suicidal ideation driven by auditory hallucinations telling her to overdose on medications. Diagnosis: Bipolar 1 disorder with psychotic features versus schizo-affective disorder. AXIS II: Probable cluster B traits." I agree with all of this except the cluster B traits and axis 2. This is personality disorders and I do not believe that I have any.

After a week, I was finally discharged and sent home. Yesterday, I counted how many pills I take and its 20 a day. Some of those are repeats: that is, I take 3 lithium pills a day, so that's 3 pills but only one prescription. So I'm taking my medication as prescribed even though I still have a bone to pick with this weight gain. I'm hoping that as the Zoloft begins to work more and I get better sleep I'll feel even better.

This disease really is unpredictable sometimes. Its not the Fall (when I'd had my other hospitalizations) and I rarely get depressed. I'm trying to take things day-by-day as I ease back into regular life. Zyprexa seems to be squelching the hallucinations for now. Tomorrow is a new day and I look forward to it.