Flash-backs of Mania

Just visiting me manic again: In Paradisium. There was so much more to it than this. (More posts, too!) I remember wanting to be one with the universe and angels giving me messages that told me the secret to the universe. They did this straight into my brain. I felt I knew everything and I was a peace with the entirety of creation.

(It seems I end up here in the Fall. I think its the light changing, but nobody believes me. Hopefully, I can stay out of the hospital this year in September/October/November.)

And yet it was more than this: I thought angels were giving me messages but I also thought aliens had abducted my friend, K, and had taken over his mind and body. I thought, therefore, that he was an alien. I thought I could fly. Every time I saw the doctor in charge at the psych. hospital, he'd ask if I could fly, and I'd reluctantly say yes and then no and then yes again.

Reading this post doesn't given you a good idea. You have to go back and read how disjointed the originals are. The lights outside that I describe, too, called to me, shining brightly in the rain. That was the day I went to the psych. hospital last October. I recall wanting to feel the hard metal of the cars making contact with me and then breaking my bones. The light poles stationary, taking the force of my body and the warped metal of the car at the same time, as we tried to take up the same area of space. It was a cold, slow dance, I envisioned, with the wipers tocking back and forth in the rain. I wanted the heightened sensations. I needed every nuance: each step I took, the feeling of the cold metals, becoming one with it all- the heightened mania that NEEDED the desperation of it all, yet the floating detachment of each footstep.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Whirling Wipers

Walking through the fog I breathe in its viscosity. The cars drive one way- a wiper swipes- then the other whooshing by. They don't exist. I can walk between the most and air as it overburdens my lungs, thick. The air blows around my ankles and is soothing.

Whirling through the cars like the fog. Like the ghost that I am. I don't exist. Time changes. Every bit of what I am and was and could be are now one. I take another step. One. Two. The lights change. The fog lays low, cuddling around the hard bright surfaces of metal. I step again. Red.... Green. Step. Whoosh! Honk! I am free! Time and I are one. I step again.... Breathe in that thick air. Stop.

Floating Meditation

Last evening, I took my younger son to the community pool. It had just opened a week before for the season, after having been closed last year for renovations. It wasn't too much different just to look at, but it was nice.

While my son swam with his friends, I had an intrusive thought. It was of self-harm. It took me by surprise and in the sun and water I tried to push it away. It was stronger than I had thought, when it came to me, too. It went into my mind and took over, saying, "This is truth!" The idea of self-harm felt seductive again. I felt myself going down that path. My hair was wet. The water was warm. The sun was beating down hot. I shook it off. I decided to try to float on my back. I had never really gotten the hang of this as a kid, but now it seems effortless. (I'm not sure if its the added pounds from zyprexa or maybe I just "get it" now, but I could do it.)

As I lay on my back in the water, the liquid filled my ears. The sounds were muffled- quiet- and the water lapped in and out of my ear canals, making tiny intermittent "tinking" noises. My eyes were closed. The rest of me was free. I buoyed gently back and forth and felt at peace. Every so often, a voice called out, but I could barely make out what it said. I was transcended. I opened my eyes, seeing the blue sky, but the water sometimes covered them, so I closed them again. I wondered if this is what fetuses experience- but I had to breathe air, of course. I did this several times, opening my eyes in between and looking around. Next time, I will try and not open my eyes for longer- more than a minute.

When I finally stopped and went upright, I felt as if I'd been meditating: relaxed & calm: nothing like several minutes before when I'd had the intrusive thoughts. We are thinking of getting an annual pass to the pool this year. Maybe this can be a new way to meditate for me. The swimming itself is good exercise, even if you're only just wading around, like I usually do.

Secondary Emotions

Today in DBT we learned about secondary emotions. That is, you get mad that you are mad, or sad that you are happy, or any number of other combinations. Usually, these tend to escalate both moods, it seems. I'll write more about it the more we talk about it. I have yet to do the homework. It doesn't seem to me, however, that these secondary emotions are good, for the most part. We usually get upset at having the first emotion, be it anxiety, anger, sadness, or any other. This seems to be a trigger of a snow-ball effect which is not good. Then again, if your secondary emotion is a positive one, then maybe not. I'll have to do more research. It just seemed to me that most of the examples given were negative ones. More later!

Transformer

Today I took my youngest son out to take photos downtown. A few hours in, as we were walking outside, I heard a voice that sounded like a robot. "Did you hear that?" I asked my son. "That?" He asked. "Yes." But Ithought he mustve heard something else. When I told my friend S later about this, saying it sounded like a Transformer [robot] he replied, "Was there one there? Cause that'd be odd." Too true!

Emotion Regulation

This is our topic for the summer in my DBT class. In the homework for the week, I chose an anxious evening for my example. There are many emotions to choose from, of course.

In my example, I chose a prompting event as a recent evening where I thought people were talking about me - and negatively. I then figured that they were going to kick me out of where I live. I wanted to take Ativan. My heart was racing, my breath was quickened. But I didn't. I told myself that I didn't actually know what they were talking about and it could be about someone else. The after effects of the emotion were that I had many thoughts that Ihad to get rid of and memories of other bad times when they had talked about me. However, what this emotion did do for me was that I willed my anxiety away; I did not need ativan; I watched tv instead. I feel I was effectivebecause my anxiety was reduced and without drugs.

We have other emotions we talk about in this module, ofcourse, but I chose anxiety for my homework this week. I feel that this is going to be an interesting module. Its also the longest at about 11 weeks. As part of the reading, we have lots of emotions listed, including examples of actions taken in that specific emotion.

We take emotions for granted, but they aren't always so simple.

New Diagnosis On Hold?

My therapist and I were talking about my diagnosis today. I just saw my psychiatrist last week, too, and she didn't mention my diagnosis. It previously had been schizoaffective bipolar type since November last year. (This was given to me by my old psychiatrist/nurse practitioner.) Now, my chart says "Unspecified psychosis, rule out bipolar". Huh. That's even MORE of a head-scratcher! Its been there a while, apparently, but it seems like a transient diagnosis. When exactly will she rule it out? And if she does, will I have to change the name of my blog? Ha! Its just sitting there for now, making it seem like I have a psychosis NOS diagnosis. Bipolar 1 and schizoaffective aren't all that different, so it just is interesting to see my diagnosis change.

Whatever they I am reminded by a good friend that I am still me. That makes me happy.

In November 2013 I wrote another post on this topic with more details.

Here is an older post I put up about being schizoaffective: New Diagnosis, November 2013

Mindfulness & Mania

Mindfulness is part of DBT. Essentially, its what you probably think it is: paying attention. But its more than just paying attention. Its paying attention to both the good and the bad and letting them be what they are and then moving on. Its paying attention to the little things- being present in the moment, and moving from moment to moment. It is the opposite of multitasking. (In fact, a study proved that you actually get less done when you multitask.) A definition I found online says, "Mindfulness: a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique".

So today, I was at Lowe's home store. I needed to use the restroom and had to walk quite a ways to find it. Suddenly, I found myself wandering down one of their big isles, feeling the vastness of those isles, noticing the nuances of the colors, the textures of the metal cans, the fuzziness of the brushes.... I had a thought: This is a lot like when I'm manic- but I'm not! Lots of times when I get manic, I like to touch things for their textures, or taste things for the nuances, for example, because they are so heightened. I will run my fingers across the mortar between bricks, for example, just to feel the heightened sensations. So how are these things alike? Aren't they contradictory to each other? Being manic is bad, isn't it? Being mindful is good! The difference is this: Walking down that isle I felt at peace because my mind was on that one thing only: That isle in the store and my walking through it. No other thoughts were in my head. I was in the moment. I guess if I think about it, in mania, I am the opposite: not in control; not in the moment, but the moment takes me along with it. The question is: Can I be mindful next time I'm manic?

Bipolar and The Flu: A Vaccine

I was talking to a friend of mine about influenza. He found some articles online saying "It's Baaaack!" for a second round at this late date in May. It got me thinking: What if bipolar acted like other diseases? The flu comes around every year- this year, twice, apparently. We make our best guess at a vaccine of a number of flu viruses and hope for the best. What if bipolar were this way? We could give a vaccine for it one a year and the symptoms would be at bay- or at least lessened. (The flu shot doesn't prevent the flu 100%.) Would I take it? That's along the lines that I've heard other people with bipolar ask: If you could be cured of bipolar somehow, would you? Most say no, that bipolar is part of them. What if it would merely lesson the symptoms- so the mania wouldn't be so severe, or so the depression wouldn't turn into suicidal ideation, or an attempt? What about other diseases like Ebola? There is no known vaccine, and it is a terrible disease where the victim essentially bleeds internally and cannot move; their insides turn to soup. Luckily, it is not very communicable, or it would be used as a biological weapon, for sure.

But, moving back to bipolar, I'd say its not nearly as bad as the flu, but is constant. That is it has hills and valleys. Right now, I'm pretty much in remission. The flu lasts a week, and if you're lucky, you're down in bed with a fever for that time, and then better. Some people do die from it. Bipolar is deadly as well. We don't have a vaccine, but we do have drugs that are supposed to keep our brains in check. Right now, I'm on Zyprexa and Topomax and Lithium. Zyprexa has made me gain weight and made my triglycerides over 400! (I am going to be taking a statin drug to lower this number, pretty soon.) There are just so many other drugs that I've tried that do not work for me- one made me suicidal and hear voices inside my head: Saphris (asenapine)- that I pretty much have to stay on zyprexa unless something bad happens. Sometimes, bipolar FEELS as bad as ebola sounds- like there is no end, and if there IS an end, its a horrible one. Hopefully, DBT is keeping my thoughts in check, however.

So would I take a bipolar vaccine? That's a difficult question to answer. It would be directly affecting my brain, but then again so do the pills. If it got rid of all the symptoms, I might go for it. On the other hand, look how hit-and-miss it is to guess which flu strains will be out each year. Is it a virus that causes bipolar? Just what DOES cause bipolar in the brain? Right now, we know but we don't know. And does it affect each person the same way? These are questions that would have to be answered, as well as a large study done before a vaccine was available to those of us with bipolar. I don't think I'd sign up for the trials.

Doing One Thing at a Time

Of the many things I'm learning in DBT, one that stands out lately is doing one thing at a time. They did a study and asked two people to do the same tasks, one all of them at once and one one at a time. Guess who did a better job? Yup. The one who did them one at a time! We talk about being in the moment of what we're doing and doing that one thing well. I know in the past I've found my brain whirring with too many worries while I'm supposedly out doing things fun. If you can just focus on that fun thing and set the un-fun things aside for the time being, you'll feel oh so much better! The same goes with doing too many things at once. You also should be in the moment when you're doing that one thing. If bad things come up, you should simply observe them and then move on. I know I've had a tendency to worry about the bad things with no solutions- just whirring anxiety. Simply observing them and moving on for now is such a better idea!

Sidewalk Bending Hallucination / Realization

A few days ago, I went for a walk for about an hour. I had been talking on the phone to a new friend. Just as I decided to go home, I walked up to the sidewalk to the porch of the house. It began to warp! So much so, that I felt unsure of my footing and steadied myself. It moved beneath my feet, bending itself over and over. I realized what was happening and willed it to stop! I took a step up onto the first step of the porch and began to walk again and all was okay, so I went inside.

I am editing to add that today I saw my therapist. We were talking about my hallucinations. Not at first, but after a while, I realize that they are indeed hallucinations, so I do something to make them stop. (After I've had my fill of entertainment that is!) Usually, all it takes is leaving the room I'm in, but in the case here, I mentally willed it to stop and it did. My therapist thought this was great and said that most people can't do this. It doesn't matter if its a visual or auditory hallucination. Of course, after a while, the hallucination will go away on its own without my doing anything to stop it. I am lucky that none of them have scared me. Even the "radio" that was playing jazz music and commanding me to do things didn't scare me.

Anti-Depressants and Bipolar

Anti-depressants are well-known. There are commercials for them on television. You think, "I'm depressed, we'll reverse those chemicals with an anti-depressant and everything will be wonderful". But with bipolar, its not so straight-forward.

I've been on anti-depressants several times in my life. Sometimes, they've helped, like during my three pregnancies. (Zoloft.) (Before I was diagnosed bipolar.) Sometimes, I've had strange, almost scary side effects from them. I say "side effects" but really they were effects of my bipolar brain having a drug which lets in more feel-good chemicals than normal.

Take this case in point. I had been prescribed an anti-depressant by my psychiatrist. This was before I was diagnosed bipolar. I had been having hallucinations- seeing horrible scenes playing out of spines being ripped out of children's bodies, and blood splattered all over against the walls- at my son's preschool. I walked in a semi-daze. I had called my psychiatrist because of this and she'd prescribed an antidepressant called Celexa. A few days later, I found myself at Wendy's. I stared at the menu board. The words meant nothing to me. I kept reading. I could make out what they sounded like, but it was as if it were in another language. "What do they DO here?!" I wondered to myself. I looked around, then back again. I looked down a long hallway. How had I gotten here? I had no memory at all. I had no emotions. A total lack of happiness or sadness, or fear, or curiosity. Let me repeat that to you: I had zero emotion. It was both freeing and odd at the same time. I just did not care for anything one way or the other. It dawned on me that maybe I should call my psychiatrist. Her response was an immediate, "You DROVE!? You're not supposed to drive!" After this, my memory is fuzzy, but I eventually drove myself home. I don't even think I ate anything.

My next fore into antidepressants was several years later. I had been diagnosed bipolar for a few years. I was seeing a new psychiatrist. I was in a depression for quite a while, so we decided to try Celexa again. (Again for me, first time as far as this psychiatrist knew.) It was going okay, until some time into taking it, I was at a restaurant with a friend. I picked up my knife and fork and began to bank them over and over and over again on the table- quickly! I couldn't stop! My friend watched this for a bit and finally said, "I think you should call your doctor." I did. I'm not sure if I left a message. The next thing I remember is calling my friend who is a Behavioral Pharmacologist- he has a PhD in researching brain drugs. I was talking rapidly, joking and being silly. He laughed at me and we had quite a nice conversation, but he, too, said I should call my doctor. I finally did. I was taken off Celexa- again.