Sadness Cylindrical Seconds 2

This week has been tiring. I've gotten and presumably lost a job in a few days. The details are what they are, but when you work and then never hear from the boss again on a job that is site-specific, its pretty obvious. I think I did a great job working. I wasn't late. I wasn't rude to the workers or clients. But now how to get paid? Seems she wants to ignore me. She hasn't answered me texts or calls. I've been somewhat sleep-deprived because of the job, too, as I was getting up many hours earlier than I was used to. I like getting up early, mind you. It just caught up to me, and I felt more easily emotionally triggered: Easily teary from music or videos, and yet feeling inklings of mania. I knew I was, too, and I tried to be mindful of this, but physically past it is physically past it, sometimes. I started feeling like people didn't like me, when, in fact, people still do. Boy, does being tired mess with your brain! (Sleep is very important to people with bipolar.) By 5:00 p.m. on Thursday- Its Saturday, now- I wanted to go to crash into bed. I wanted to cry. I got into a fight with the friend who is the subject of this famous post. In fact, what happened next prompted me to post today, but I just don't feel that creative. I feel like listening to this song, "Sadness" by Chopinover and over. I once had the translation, but have since lost it and a search turned up nothing. Its about lost love, but more than that its about 'you're with someone else and do you think of me when you're with her?' And to be sung by a child- what an other-worldly chill- what a warmth, what a comfort, what sadness indeed. It was all that is in that now-infamous post, and more. Amplified and yet like two very old friends who could talk for years- who have been talking for years, who will continue talking for years. The cylindrical conversation that has seemingly always been, that will continue, whether it be having tea or more passionately and intensely in that place that, once again, comes around and will not leave. It can't. It won't. It is that gentle comfort. And yet always on the verge of saying, "Enough!" And it turns around again and that tender look, or the sweet stroke of a finger across the cheek, or the silly grin from behind the shower curtain... Or just talking about things over warm drinks from our past. A well-worn-in friendship that nobody wants to lose and yet.... and yet... And the song plays again. Over and over. You do think of me when you're with her. If only to convince yourself you really don't want me. But you do. And the circle continues. Press play again. He will sing you to sleep one more time. For now.

I've found the translation!

My heart is sad without you,
You who are so far away and who no longer think of me.
Tell me why
do you make my soul suffer, my soul who loves you
and wants you near me?
Every night you are the vision that
make this heart dream, this heart that dreams of love,
but it is an illusion
you will not return to me.
Maybe you are kissing someone else
even though the song that I am singing for you flies
only to you.
I dream gently of time (???)
This is what my heart wants,
my heart that is sad without love.

Buzzing Brain, Lips and Hands

Sitting at Starbucks. Its Saturday. I'm in a "good" seat by the fireplace. Its nice and warm. My friend is here with me. We're both just surfing online. I've been feeling rather optimistic the last few days. My therapist had told me about a place that can help you with your finances and I finally got the guts to look them up online. They seem like they might be good. I also got a lead on a job and I'm waiting for her to email me this weekend about it but supposedly I start Tuesday. If I could get both of these things going I would feel so much better! I think a great weight would be lifted. But for now, I just wait wait wait. I did talk with the woman about the job on the phone and it all seemed optimistic.

Earlier, I was feeling off a bit. I had dropped the kids off at parties, or they were home, or out with friends. So much social buzzing going on this weekend for them. And then I felt alone, I guess. And felt like *I* was buzzing internally. That old familiar feeling but it didn't feel good. Starting-to-be detached feeling. And on top of it, my hand was buzzing like it was asleep- a side effect of the Topomax it seems. I'd gone to the doctor the other day saying my lips have been numb off and on and so have my hands and she said that that can happen on to the Topomax but that its nothing to worry about. I'm just glad its gone. At the moment, those feelings are pretty much gone, thank goodness. I had thought it was the coffee I'd had earlier. I wasn't feeling really bad, just buzzed in a really weird way and I didn't like it. I went and had something to eat and thought maybe that was it, but it turns out I'm not having blood sugar issues after all, and that didn't really help even though I hadn't eaten all day. In fact, I couldn't finish the small meal! Maybe I'm just nervous. Up until this afternoon, I've been feeling happy and optimistic about things. Well, not always. Last night, I couldn't sleep because I'd taken Nataleigh out to see Les Mis. and it ended at midnight and by the time I tried to go to sleep it was after 1. Too late. So I felt overly tired and couldn't sleep. I had to use Ativan. If I'm to get this job, I can't do that! No way. Up and at 'em in the a.m. with bells on. :)

I saw my psychiatrist/nurse practitioner yesterday. Turns out my hunch was right: She's pregnant. It was hard to tell a month ago or so when I saw her, but now its obvious that she's about 5 months pregnant. Her first. How exciting. Those days were so long ago for me. The appointment was fine. Seems I have enough refills on file and all of that. My Lithium level may be off hence why I've been very thirsty lately, so I'm rechecking that on Monday morning.

So at the moment I feel fine but somewhat hungry. Odd how I got so full but now am hungry. I didn't work out today but I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

Funny Cartoon

Working-out Update

I've now been working out for about a month. I can tell that my clothes feel looser and my muscles feel a bit more developed. I've been going every other day. As far as pounds lost, on the one hand I think its not very much, but on the other hand, one scale had it at about 10 pounds. So who knows. Whatever it is, I'm making some progress. I can feel that I'm getting more endurance for walking quickly when just out and about- either with kids or with friends with long legs! So I'm not at my goal size or weight, but its only been a month. I am looking forward to seeing what 3 months will bringing especially. The gym has tvs and that's at least entertaining when you're on the treadmill for an hour going nowhere. (Especially since I only watch tv at night. I've gotten into the home and garden channel which is really the buying-a-house channel in the daytime.) The weight machines are less entertaining that way, but oh well. You pretty much are going from one thing to then next there and by that time you just want to get to the finish line and get a shower!

I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday to talk about my blood sugar. For the last week, my lips have felt numb quite often and I've read that that's a sign of low blood sugar. I also have been pretty thirsty. I've checked my own blood sugar and its been okay, so I'm not really worried. I think I'm going to have to adjust my diet to working out. More protein before and after working out and more water, too.

As far as my Topomax is concerned, all is well. No side effects that I can see, lately. I am not easily upset as I once might have been. In fact, at the gym today, someone next to me admonished me for using my cell phone, pointing at a sign that says no cell phones. I just said okay and said I had to go and hung up. Eh, no biggie! I'd never seen that sign before. Usually, I'm texting when I am no the treadmill to keep up morale and such. That's okay, still. At any rate, the weight might not come off as easily as it might because of the Zyprexa AND it might be causing any blood sugar issues, we shall see. Zyprexa is pretty evil that way. Thank goodness its not at that double dose like it was for a while!

Christmas went well. The kids were happy with their gifts. A friend of mine came over in the morning to spend the day with us. We ordered pizza for dinner and just hung out with a fire on. It was very nice. The DVD I ordered of the barbershop quartet competition that I was worried about for Noah turned out to be quite nice and showed up in plenty of time, so no need to worry. :) All-in-all, all the planning and work and money spent was well worth it.

I would like to take the kids out for an other photo session sometime soon. Where and when are the questions. It gets dark soon still these days. We have also been so many places that its hard to think of a place we haven't been that they'll want to go. Heck- I'll take a place they just want to go that we can take pictures! Last time we did any real photos we this past summer in August.

I am ready for a nap. Five o'clock is evil that way. So is four o'clock, but mostly five. Its nearly dark, AND I'm sore from today. One good thing is that I've been watching "Are You Being Served?" with Noah on DVD over vacation. He really likes it! We have a boxed set, but got some of the later ones that I don't have from the library. Its been fun sharing that with him. You wouldn't think that someone that's 11 would like a show that was made in the 1970s and early 80's in England about a department store!

Relationship-wise, I'm enjoying finding what I want in each one. Its freeing!

I saw my therapist several days ago. That was productive, as usual. But not always easy! Then coming up soon, I see my psych dr/nurse practitioner.

All for now! Sorry its not creative and such. Maybe next time.